Sign up to EliteSkills

Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password

A Beautiful Patriot Torn

Author: icaughtfire591
ASL Info:    16/f/MI
Elite Ratio:    4.27 - 75 /74 /39
Words: 209
Class/Type: Poetry /Serious
Total Views: 1514
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1281


i had to write it for government.

A Beautiful Patriot Torn

The beautiful patriot
Lies on the battlefield
Under a threatening foreign sky…

Curious that as the bullets whistle past,
The one that found it’s target
Does not seem to matter much in him
Or his comrades that have been downcast,
But he is so thirsty for a sip of water
To clear the dust from his throat,
Yet on the thick crimson liquid that spills so warmly,
The soldier will choke…
As it puddles around his head,
the gunfire fades away, and
Fallen face down, he drowns in the drink
that his country has provided for him.

So we can only ask this government
Which seemingly knows best,
Smiling with it’s painted over face
Under a falsely warm pretense
Where is the life
in liberty and the pursuit of happiness?

There is only one solution to keep the flag
from being ripped and torn;
We have to find an alternative
To these deadly wars.

The beautiful patriot
Lies on his country’s battlefield,
Beneath a cold, gray foreign sky…
But he cannot see the flag that he lost for,
And is blind to the purpose for which he dies.

Submitted on 2006-03-23 20:04:59     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!



This is well said and moving.

I happen to agree with your point so this hits near home for me. Beyond that I feel the images are stark and on target. The form and flow make the point vividly clear.

Nice work!

| Posted on 2006-03-25 00:00:00 | by beatthedrum | [ Reply to This ]
  This was a very powerful write. I think you had a fine use of imagery and was able to capture your reader completely. This was well written and it was something that we all that are Americans probally think about. I like the way you did not bash, but simply told a tale with a bad end. Great wrok!

| Posted on 2006-03-24 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]
  Hmm... very true! The futility of ALL wars, and who really suffers in them comes to mind.

I liked the irony you used of thirst he feels as he is dying and the warm liquid (his own blood) that DROWNS him at the same time.

Well written.

| Posted on 2006-03-24 00:00:00 | by Psyve | [ Reply to This ]

Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?