Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Teeny Tiny (working title)dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Raivn
    ASL Info:    33/f/al
    Elite Ratio:    4.28 - 1222/916/231
    Words: 916
    Class/Type: Story/Misc
    Total Views: 730
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 4644



    Description:
       This is an excerpt from the book that I am writing. In all honesty, I am posting this because the people that I have allowed to read it have loved it, but they kind of have to. I want to know what everyone else thinks about it. So, please, read, and feel free to rip it apart. I need to know if it's worth keeping on with...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsTeeny Tiny (working title)dots
    -------------------------------------------


    There was something moving underneath the rich, red comforter that adorned the bed. It wiggled furiously, like some tiny animal trapped in the clutches of a naughty child. Drew watched it in puzzlement for a few moments, then cautiously made his way to the side of the bed. He stood there for quite some time, weighing his options, and silently wishing that the wiggling would stop. It didn’t. Drew took a deep breath, and gave the tiny lump a gentle poke.
    “Hey!” a tiny, but strangely familiar, voice came from beneath the comforter. Drew shook his head, as if to clear it. He took another deep (and slightly quavery) breath, and gingerly pulled the comforter away from the lump, then took an involuntary step backwards.
    Staring up at him from the bed was a figure that could not have been more than seven inches tall. She was dressed in nothing but a lacy red bra with matching panties. When the cool air from the room hit her bare skin, she began to shiver uncontrollably. She looked up at Drew, and her tiny jaw dropped.
    “Oh, shit,” Drew said in surprise. The teeny woman continued to stare at him in utter silence. Her hair, tousled either from sleep or from her struggle to free herself from the comforter, was cut in a short, choppy style, and had bright pink streaks mixed in with black. Her tiny little body was quite voluptuous, her breasts heaving so violently that they threatened to spill from her bra. She inhaled sharply, and dropped to her knees, curling her minuscule arms around herself. She began to rock back and forth, mumbling, and sneaking glances at Drew. He continued to stare at her in disbelief, his mouth hanging open. He racked his brain for some sort of substance that he could have ingested to cause crazy hallucinations. He thought about this for a good long while as the tiny woman continued her agitated rocking. He finally ruled out drugs, but could not fully accept the sight that he was seeing.
    Meanwhile, the figure on the bed had come to grips with her situation. She stopped her rocking, and slowly got to her feet, as if she doubted that her tiny body could support the sudden weight on her shoulders. She gave a resigned sigh, and gazed up at him, with a frown on her face.
    “You look pretty stupid with your mouth hanging open like that,” she said to him, attempting to cover her chest with her arms. Drew’s mouth snapped shut. He lowered himself to the floor so that he could get a closer look. No doubt about it, it was definitely her. No one else would respond to such a situation by telling him how stupid he looked.
    “ Well, you look pretty crazy with your arms crossed over your chest that way,” he retorted. “It’s not like you have anything there that I haven’t seen.” She uncrossed, then re-crossed, her arms over her chest, this gesture more defiance than anything. It also served to push her generous breasts upward, and Drew’s eyes lingered on them for a moment. She glared at him with all the ferocity that her tiny little body could manage.
    “You always said you liked little breasts,” she shot back, her eyes flashing, “and I always did try to give you whatever you wanted.” Anger was the only kind of defense she had in something like this. She tried to hold on to the anger, turning it over in her mouth, savoring the taste. Unfortunately, as soon as it came, it was gone again. She stood, letting the full weight of the situation hit her. The strength went out of her legs, and she collapsed to the bed, and began to sob. Drew reached to console her, and then realized that he would probably just make things worse. She was really too small for him to touch her. Her tiny little body shook with her sobs, and he lightly stroked her head. She gave a frightened twitch, then looked up at him, microscopic tears glimmering on her doll-like cheeks.
    “What am I supposed to do, Drew?” she tearfully asked him. He looked at her in silence, trying to think of an answer to her question. She gazed at him so trustingly that it almost broke his heart. He took her tiny hands and gently pulled her to her feet.
    “It’s okay,” he said. “I’ll take care of you till we figure this out.” She continued to look at him, her mind turning the situation over in her head, attempting to determine what needed to be done. Her proud little shoulders slumped, and she gave another resigned sigh.
    “Well, you got your wish,” she said, somewhat bitterly. “Your ex-girlfriend is now the perfect size to carry around in your pocket.”




    Submitted on 2006-03-24 07:44:00     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      you have a wonderful imagination! i love it!

    I really like the main idea, and the way that you express it, the way that you bring realistic humanity into the first character that the reader encounters, and that your main cahracter is so fiesty.....the emotional rollercoaster ride though!

    it seems like your main character is super hormonal so far, but i probobly would be too, i suppose.

    you have great imagery and a lovely style. its very vivid and life-like.....too often creative fiction writers go a little bit nuts, and you have, but in a great way....

    i think it could use some explanation of what he's doing there when she' n her undies if he's her ex, though....

    "She tried to hold on to the anger, turning it over in her mouth, savoring the taste. Unfortunately, as soon as it came, it was gone again. She stood, letting the full weight of the situation hit her. The strength went out of her legs, and she collapsed to the bed, and began to sob"

    i liked that part the most, it seemed the most true, and the most creative all rolled up together.....it seems to me that you may have borrowed your style from lkhamilton just a bit as far as emotions are concerned, very focused on the strenght and depth of it, the way it feels to wrap it about you like a fuzy blanket and embrace whatever emotion it is...

    although, to be honest, there the similarity ends, except in terms of imagination, because you have a wonderfully unique story and style here.

    cant wait to read more

    xoxo
    | Posted on 2007-03-20 00:00:00 | by blu_kittin | [ Reply to This ]
      (Let's call these opinions)
    1. I think the way this opens up is far better than if you started out with her. In this way, you have a hook, the reader reads the first bit, and is tempted to read a bit more to find out what is going on, and then they find out They don't know before-hand.

    2. I actually think the title is good as it is, if you can think of a better one (Little Woman is not a better one). I have to say, on that other suggested title [Little Woman], it seemed more like a cheesey, cheap movie title than a title fitting of this. So, "Teeny Tiny" is a great title.

    3. Some of the ways the things were portrayed such as, "...her breasts heaving so violently that they threatened to spill from her bra." it made me half-expect a fan-fiction sex scene. It didn't end up leading to that (at least not in this excerpt), so I'll hope it never does.

    4. I think you could fix up the wording on some things, "He lowered himself to the floor so he could look at her closer." Probably, "He lowered himself to the floor to get a closer look." or "He lowered himself to the floor so he could get a closer look at her." Maybe, "He lowered himself to the floor to get a better look." All I know is that sentence in particular really bothered me. Maybe no one else, but to me it just seems poorly constructed.

    5. I like how the female character has been shown so far. Because it is only a short excerpt, I can't really judge on character development, but her attitude thus far is very nice and it seems as though she could turn out to be a very interesting character if done correctly. I would not have her reaction be made any other way than how it is at the moment. While she is surely surprised, she is less surprised than the guy [Drew] because she already knows what has happened, I'm assuming she didn't shrink just seconds before the guy came in. Both characters are well done over all.

    7. "She uncrossed, then re-crossed, her arms over her chest, this gesture more defiance than anything." I just love that part.
    " “Well, you got your wish,” she said, somewhat bitterly. “Your ex-girlfriend is now the perfect size to carry around in your pocket.”" That is a great line to end the excerpt on.

    This can still go either way, it is a great start, and I'm sure you've done more with it, but this is all I have to go on, so here's to hoping you pull off something worthwhile. I guess I'm drinking some water.

    That is all.
    | Posted on 2006-04-02 00:00:00 | by Sir Jimeth | [ Reply to This ]
      “It’s okay,” he said. “I’ll take care of you till we figure this out.” She continued to look at him, trying to figure out what to do.

    When you end the quote try and find another way to say 'trying to figure out what to do' maybe sizing (good word because she is small) up the (dilema,problem...you're better at this part than me) But you said "what to do" twice and it just takes away from the style


    Okay now the part that you wanna hear. I think this is just awesome...I expected a lot but man...this was GREAT! And yeah...maybe you could start with her but I'm thinking that the way it came naturally into your head is the way it should probably be...unless you wanna give it a go at changing...the chioce is yours. I love it though. The only reason I have waited so long to critisize it is because I thought it would be longer, so now you actually need to write more. That would be cool. I think that you did a really good job making this believeable and shaping your characters. I not only could see this with you but with him as well, but even if I didn't know either of you I would love this, I think you have gotten your teeth onto something you could really fan out and use to like...publish or something. You have to establish an audience though or you are just writing for yourself...which is fine but now that you are finally writing this thing you should do everything you can to make it brilliant. And...I encourage you to do more. And don't let TOny now screw up your vision of what this needs to be. Don't let your inspiration go...because it is easy to fade out of it. Just try Raivn...you will feel so much better when you have accomplished what you were born to do.
    | Posted on 2006-03-31 00:00:00 | by lori_tab | [ Reply to This ]
      I was thinking, maybe you should name the story Little Woman instead of Teeny Tiny. It's like the name of a cartoon, which is what i was expecting, something cartoon like. That surprised me when Drew cused and the girl (who should have a name) was in a bra and panties. The story itself looks like an excerpt and if you could finish the story, i would love that because it seems as if it isn't finished. And the way it's going, it will have an incredible ending.

    ~*~katara~*~
    | Posted on 2006-03-31 00:00:00 | by daughterofdeath | [ Reply to This ]
      This was different! I am asking all the questions Candie asked right about now. I think that it would help if you gave the tiny woman a name like you did Drew. I think also maybe having her act shocked like him would be nice. And start off with her waking up and realizing she is trapped under the comforter. Let us hear her thoughts first and read from her thoughts why she is angry and why she may be little. Yeah, start it off with her, it will make more of a impact in my opinion. Overall, this was good.

    Maggie
    | Posted on 2006-03-24 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]
      I personally love it... and I can't handle an excerpt... I want more. What happened to her that made her teensy-weensy... and what happened to their relationship that was so horrible? and what happens to them pass this point? do they fall back in love? does she somehow become life size again?

    -x- Candie
    | Posted on 2006-03-24 00:00:00 | by teenage_dirtbag | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    96198

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Things They (Don't) Say written by TheStillSilence
    Twin Intercept written by Daniel Barlow
    Live In Between written by teika5
    going,,,"Skin." written by teika5
    Rooted in Nature written by Chelebel
    Keep written by TheStillSilence
    Meaningless Meanings written by ForgottenGraves
    Untitled written by Daniel Barlow
    Day 5 written by TheStillSilence
    Snippet written by Daniel Barlow
    Florida's Autumn Solstice written by closetpoet
    Relentless. The Visceral Fracture. written by Daniel Barlow
    A Worsening Effect written by Daniel Barlow
    Whispered written by endlessgame23
    Not the Devil, but the Wind written by endlessgame23
    To the Artist written by HisNameIsNoMore
    In a Corner written by jeniecel
    Coversheets written by TheStillSilence
    Adoration written by TheStillSilence
    FamiliarDemons ©™ written by kyserin
    Loop-di-Loop written by endlessgame23
    Starseed written by endlessgame23
    Dream written by closetpoet
    A Sense Of Things written by Daniel Barlow
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Mystery Read written by kyserin
    Lie back & tan written by Daniel Barlow
    no sky on the other side written by teika5
    Beauty Rest written by jackz
    Deep written by Janesaddiction

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry