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Author: expiring_touch
ASL Info:    30/f/Hamburg
Elite Ratio:    3.94 - 139 /256 /171
Words: 136
Class/Type: Poetry /Longing
Total Views: 1225
Average Vote:    5.0000
Bytes: 953



It's spring, and streets are melting,
Open up its eyes and look
Into the heavens, their hysterics
Is too much to bear, and laughs,
And shadows, justified mistakes
Won't stop their blubbing in the corner.

Behold! One shift in mood,
Of ghosts of snowflakes to spring
About in the window, and clear-headed
Languid autumn is strolling down the hall,
Coming undone at whiffs
Of first November snow.

I wanted ending, pale, pallid.
And knees, so fraught to hug,
And lean across
And walk away with head
High in the air, and fingers intertwining.

I finished all unwanted explorations,
I tasted tasted pears in your mouth,
Corrupting thoughts, and blood, and sense.
All I can do is find a marble staircase
And kiss the sounds of your footsteps 'night.

Submitted on 2006-03-24 07:47:44     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  You have "the knack" for poetry. this is fine. Some humble suggestions: line 3 should read,
"ARE too much to bear, and laughs"

Also in the first stanza you say "its eyes", however, it is extremely unclear as to who or what you are referring to--the street, or somehting else.

The second line of the 3d stanza the word "fraught" is used incorrectly{fraught--full of or accompanied by something specified, as danger, etc...)

I do not understand the final word of the poem-- 'night ! I do not know what the apostraphe is for!!

If you make those simple changes, you will have a most excellent poem, indeed!

The second line of the final stanza is brilliant!! I
loved it!

bravo... bravo... bravo... Michael
| Posted on 2008-06-18 00:00:00 | by Algol46 | [ Reply to This ]

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