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    dots Submission Name: Marchdots

    Author: expiring_touch
    ASL Info:    30/f/Hamburg
    Elite Ratio:    4.03 - 137/243/158
    Words: 136
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 775
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 953


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    It's spring, and streets are melting,
    Open up its eyes and look
    Into the heavens, their hysterics
    Is too much to bear, and laughs,
    And shadows, justified mistakes
    Won't stop their blubbing in the corner.

    Behold! One shift in mood,
    Of ghosts of snowflakes to spring
    About in the window, and clear-headed
    Languid autumn is strolling down the hall,
    Coming undone at whiffs
    Of first November snow.

    I wanted ending, pale, pallid.
    And knees, so fraught to hug,
    And lean across
    And walk away with head
    High in the air, and fingers intertwining.

    I finished all unwanted explorations,
    I tasted tasted pears in your mouth,
    Corrupting thoughts, and blood, and sense.
    All I can do is find a marble staircase
    And kiss the sounds of your footsteps 'night.

    Submitted on 2006-03-24 07:47:44     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

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    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      You have "the knack" for poetry. this is fine. Some humble suggestions: line 3 should read,
    "ARE too much to bear, and laughs"

    Also in the first stanza you say "its eyes", however, it is extremely unclear as to who or what you are referring to--the street, or somehting else.

    The second line of the 3d stanza the word "fraught" is used incorrectly{fraught--full of or accompanied by something specified, as danger, etc...)

    I do not understand the final word of the poem-- 'night ! I do not know what the apostraphe is for!!

    If you make those simple changes, you will have a most excellent poem, indeed!

    The second line of the final stanza is brilliant!! I
    loved it!

    bravo... bravo... bravo... Michael
    | Posted on 2008-06-18 00:00:00 | by Algol46 | [ Reply to This ]

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