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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Purgatory Incorporated.dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: comradenessie
    Elite Ratio:    6.5 - 626/539/110
    Words: 136
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 1246
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 830



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsPurgatory Incorporated.dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Turn in here at the main gate,
    checking your watch for the time,
    your anxious not to be late,
    impunctuality is a crime.

    It is one of those sterile buildings,
    functional without form,
    and with all those shareholdings
    they’ll weather the worst of a storm.

    A young man glances up as you enter.
    He puts your name in a book.
    You press on to the corporate centre
    and nobody bothers to look.

    In the hallways people drift
    in and out of the doorways
    and up and down at the lift
    and it's this way for ever and always.

    You commence pondering ways of escape,
    and wonder if it is heaven or hell,
    your mind is on a dark landscape
    and only the Big Boss can tell.




    Submitted on 2006-03-24 09:25:02     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      good morning!

    so this time your muse is the faceless big corporation office hell that sucks humans down into little ants in the search for bigger and bigger profits - a madness solidified into sky-high glass and uniform suits and i'm left standing outside thinking WHY? and then, because of your use of the second person, i'm trapped inside still wondering.

    and you rhyme, i can't remember you rhyming like this before although i'm sure you have. i'm not a big fan of rhyme unless it has meaning and reason and this does - your thoughts are trapped by the ever repeating rhyme that mirrors the trapped worker.

    but you're meter seems a bit sparodic - rhyme generally sounds better if every line has the same number of syllabals.

    haha sorry - i always have to find one nitpick.

    well i hope all's well and thanks for sharing this.

    Adam.
    | Posted on 2006-04-05 00:00:00 | by Icarus | [ Reply to This ]
      nice write
    it can be translated in two ways upfront or deep
    i dont get the deep one cuz i havent started work work yet
    i jus work parttime at a clothing store


    Queen darkness of the Grim Draco
    | Posted on 2006-03-31 00:00:00 | by darkness | [ Reply to This ]
      Corporate purgatory? Or an observation of humanity pressed into service on an assembly line comprised of Satanic overseers and the Borg Collective? In either case, the fly has stumbled into the web and died from the neck up. This reminds me of every job I've ever held; individuality goes unrewarded, original thought is condemned, guidelines exist to be followed, check your soul at the door. Looks like your comments are about 50/50; some get it, some don't. Oh, well. Take care of yourself, comrade. Nicely done again. Bill.
    | Posted on 2006-03-24 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
      The forced sound of the rhyme completely destroys a really good poem. I like the theme of the poem and I even like the idea of a rigid rhyme structure to the poem, it does well to compare the subject matter with the actual structure of the poem. Unfortunately you don't quite work it out.

    I'll try to break down some of what I mean:

    The first stanza is fine. Nothing real earthshattering, but you establish a tone (the kind of unstoppable, ploddign drumbeat of human progress, etc.) and setting.

    In the second stanza you just completely loose me. I have no idea what the "shared holdings" refers to... stock shares maybe. Also "they can weather any eye of the storm" just doesn't make sense. Again, no idea what you mean when you say "a storm"... plus, I don't think you weather the eye of a storm since that is the calm. Also, your sintax in this line is strange (unless you are personafing a storm giving it eyes... hmmm, I didn' think of that, thats actually kinda interesting. If thats what you were going for, you need to give me more.). If you mean the center of the storm, the line should read: "they can weather the eye of any storm" All this leads me to believe you jsut couldn' think of anything to rhyme with "buildings" and "form." There needs to be some meaning behind the lines, they cannot rhyme just for rhymings sake.

    In stanza 3, "saunter" just doesn't fit. I have never seen a buisness person "saunter" to work. You can use the idea of a person going to work as a metaphor for something larger, but you still need to describe them with reality.

    Stanza 4, in direct contrast to stanza 2 actually has some wonderful rhymes and line breaks. You should look to this stanza as inspiration. "In the hallways people drift/ in and out of doorways" are great lines! "In the hallways people drift" can stand as an idea on its own (a chilling and depressing yet wonderfully imaged idea), yet is part of the larger picture painted by the stanza. Just great. The last line in that staza is a mouthfull and can be trimmed a bit, but this one is far and away you best stanza. I really like it.

    The last stanza is a lot like the first. Not spectacualr but it works and fits well into the poem.

    I think you have a great base for a poem here and with some work, it could be really good.
    | Posted on 2006-03-24 00:00:00 | by RodeoClown | [ Reply to This ]
      Its as if you talk of life, using the metaphor to show how life is. Many times I have looked for an escape but can't seem to find it. They say that heaven and hell are part of the beyond but I feel that it exists here, right now. I won't just say bravo, although you truly deserve it. It was a wonderful poem. Instead I will give you my insight on every stanza.

    Turn in here at the main gate,
    checking your watch for the time,
    your anxious not to be late,
    impunctualities a crime.

    impunctualities a crime.
    It would sound better as impunctualities are a crime. When I first read this I thought it was just talking of a job. This reminded me of the many times I have had to run so that I wouldn't be late for work. It seems many times that I am always running, as if I think that I am going to be late for something or that I am missing out on something. Who knows what it could be?

    It is one of those sterile buildings,
    functional without form,
    and with all those shared holdings
    they can weather any eye of the storm.


    I didn't really understand this. Maybe I did but I thought my thoughts were wrong. While reading this stanza I thought of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and how though their home was tipsy it still was a home because of the people and love it held inside. Perhaps this is what you tried to say. I still see the poem as if it was talking about life. When I think of life I think it as without purpose. See if life has no purpose then you have nothing and if you have nothing then you have no barriers, so you can finally live. When we give to much purpose to things they somehow lose their meaning because we are so worried about losing them. Its the same with life, we are so worried that death will come and take life from us that we ignore it because of our fear but if life means nothing then we can live because there is no more fear. While reading this I also imagined walking into a building where you are no more than a number, where nobody knows your name and everybody ignores you. Sometimes life feels like this. I can imagine someone walking among a crowd yet still feeling left out, ignored.

    A young man glances up as you enter.
    He puts your name in a book.
    You saunter to the corporate centre
    and nobody bothers to look.

    Again a feeling of being ignored,of a redundant life where you know what is going to happen and you become paralyzed. Before this feeling of being ignored could have injured you but now you are so used to it that it doesn't even make you flinch.

    In the hallways people drift
    in and out of the doorways
    and up and down at the lift
    and it's this way for ever and always.

    An observer analyzing life. How others seem to find it but you are still trying to know what it is and trying to solve its riddles. As if you were in a race and everybody was near the finishing line but you have not yet begun. I felt this throughout the poem a feeling as if the protagonist whoever that was was observing instead of living.

    You commence pondering ways of escape,
    and wonder if it is heaven or hell,
    your mind is on a dark landscape
    and only the Big Boss can tell.

    Escape something I look for everyday yet I don't know where to find it or if I do find it how to accomplish it. THis was my favorite stanza. This is how I got the idea that this felt like a metaphor for life.

    Great poem. You made my day with this poem. *Bravo*
    | Posted on 2006-03-24 00:00:00 | by Katrinagolden | [ Reply to This ]
      "they’ll weather the eye of any storm. "
    I have a number of issues with this line. First... It's almost too cliché. It feels like you threw it into the poem to round out the rhyme.
    Also... the eye of the storm is the calm part, not the worst part. Lime the eye of a tornado is the calm air at the center. It sort of hurts the impact of the line. I think what you meant was the worst of an strom, not the calm central part it flows around.
    Also, if you want to stay away from a ehavy meter, which, like Icarus says, falters a bit, you could try a syllabic verse. I thought that was what you were trying for at first.
    On the other hand, the struggle for rhyme and meaning could be indicative of the character in the poem... your persona... the person so hurt by this corporate purgatory that while s/he struggles against it, trying to get poetry... the natural inclination is warped and twisted by the illness around it. That would make sense too.
    | Posted on 2006-04-19 00:00:00 | by DavidHirt | [ Reply to This ]


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