Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • ES Magazine
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • Video Tutorials
  • RolePlay
  • 90% off Amazon
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Untitled Short Story...dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: stefhy
    ASL Info:    18/f/Canada
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 142/62/20
    Words: 895
    Class/Type: Story/Serious
    Total Views: 262
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 4732



    Description:
       Alright, well I may only be sixteen and particularly novice in the writing area - but I do my best to try hard and strive for excellence whenever I can. One of my dreams is to write a book, or atleast a short story that will appeal to people all around, not just my friends and I... This isn't actually the end of a short story, but the beginning of a much longer one. Let me know what you think please, and be brutal - it's the only way I can improve :)


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsUntitled Short Story...dots
    -------------------------------------------


    "Stop Yelling!" The first words I have said in days, and they burst out of my mouth causing a painfully loud silence as my family looked around at one another. All they had been doing for days were fighting, everyone mad at everyone else. This time it was Grahams fault for not being smart enough to hide the booze from Mom and Dad ahead of time; however Mom and Dad never once thought maybe they knew better and could handle themselves. I'm only just celebrating my twelfth birthday and I know better than they do...
    "Young lady you do not tell us what to do," bellowed Mom, her index finger held stiffly in place firing hot bullets between my eyes. "Your father and I have told you to do this many times before, and we will get it through your thick skulls if we have to beat it in there!" Her eyes skimmed across the three horrified children beside me, sending the hot bullets to each of us; her finger, still nicely in place with my head. Dad must have felt over powered, because he soon stepped in to play - starting off with a crisp back hand slap across Jordan's already bruised cheek.
    I hate it when they get like that; I keep telling myself its because they want to discipline us so that we can grow up and be successful - everyone knows discipline is a key step to raising children... That old excuse for hitting us was wearing thin on me though. I am only twelve and I have seen more hatred than I know how to explain. More drunken acts than I care to explain. All I can do is sit and ask myself why. Why are people like this? Is it just our family? When will it end?
    From the time I knew how to speak I have always felt like I needed something more. I never really knew what it was until now. I want to be loved. I want someone to take care of me, like I see in the movies. Someone who will bring me soup when I'm sick, or simply offer a shoulder to cry on when I'm down, listen to me when I have something to say... Just as I think this last thought to myself I realize that I have been day dreaming the whole time the parents were rambling their complaints. The lack of attention paid to my father seemed to be disrespectful toward him, and this was the time for punishment. Reaching out to me, he pulled my hair and my three siblings scurried off to bed before they could see much more...

    One scratch and four bruises later, its two oclock in the morning; the only thing I could think of was having to be up in five hours for school. I set my alarm clock, turned off my light and quietly slid inbetween my torn grey blankets on the floor. I rest my head on my pillow, careful not to disturb the cut that I had finally got to stop bleeding. My eyes heavy from exhaustion closed fast and I found myself in a most wonderful place...
    Sittin on a picnic table with a group of people I haven't met, yet seemed unbelievably close to. They were friends, best friends; the first friends I had ever had. All of us staring intently at an hour glass, which for a second only showed our reflections. My golden brown hair shining brightly from sun light. Warm hazel eyes like my father's, and the small ears that hung in place with my wide smile like my mother's. I look to the right of my reflection and see a red haired boy, skinny with a rounder face - and as big a smile as the sun in the sky. I blinked for just a second and when I opened my eyes again our reflections were gone... The sunglight was gone, surrounded by a cold shadow; yet all we do is sit, and watch the hour glass start to glow a dark purple as if storm clouds were gathering. I see the full moon in all its glory inside the hour glass, its stars are falling down around it; thus they fall down the middle tube and into the darkened sun and dreary clouds that lay in the bottom of the hour glass. It made no sense, none of the kids around me looked as scared as I felt; though its magic was calling to me - we all stared into it a little bit longer. The glow protruding from the stars was enchanting as they were slowly engulfed. The moon was starting to fall now...
    I am rudely awaken by the screeching of that damn alarm clock. Seven o'clock on what looks to be a very sunny Monday morning. I creep down the stairs trying not to awake my drooling mother in the room next to me. Every foot step makes the floor creak, and when I reached the hall the sound of my feet slapping the cold tile seemed to intensify. Graham is already downstairs; the aroma of burnt toast told me he was attempting to make breakfast for everyone. The first sign of another day... I wonder if I'll make it through this one... I wonder if I want to.




    Submitted on 2006-03-24 16:58:10     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I have a lot of feed back on this one.
    But I dont think that I want to write it out in the open for everyone to read.
    If you want to know what I honestly think just go ahead and send me a note. I will tell you.

    longwd
    | Posted on 2006-10-02 00:00:00 | by longwinterdays | [ Reply to This ]
      Steffy this sounds like an old played out story. one that pains to even think about it. A story that no one should live with. A story of shelffness and abuse. One that sounds all to filmier to me.

    Let me tell you where ALL arguments come from.
    "The bottom line"
    People will tell you "Why cant you do this right?
    Why do I tell you all the time?"

    Let me tell you something!!

    Things are not the way people put them. When people argue its almost never what they say it is about.
    For example. When some stands over there pointing every little flaw out High Dry Proud.
    It never has to do with the issue at hand.
    No it has to do with "Why, How come you cant do this thing for me?.................Ok I feel like Shit so I will tear you down to make myself fell better." And as long as It takes I will stand here . This is what I do! "

    of course this will never be said this is the "Bottom line"

    And this is not only with parent and child this is with with couples as well. Boil everything down and what you get is one shelfish person pushing his will (or hers) on to others.

    Its simple...........................Most would not think so. Most would put up excuses. "NO YOU DONT UNDERTSTAND!!!"

    Think about it.................Is what it boils down to
    is one person pushing there will onto another

    This does not come from a text book. Ive lived it.

    Now what I just told you, now what you do with it is up to you.

    In your life I dont know where you are at. Just remember people fight because there are selfish.

    ok I am done ...... Joshua
    | Posted on 2006-05-16 00:00:00 | by ooononotthatguy | [ Reply to This ]
      Ah yes, I finally have dropped in to do as I said,

    This write was like a roller coaster for me. The first two increments were like a re-run of of other writes I've read, and then the next was your heart beginning to pour out your you. The next paragraph was my favorite, it had the emotions in which you were feelng inside I beleive, the descriptions were well done, but then the last paragraph was back to the re-run.
    I think that you should concentrate more on what is inside of you or even what is inside of the person in the story, rather than what is going on outside, make sense? I am a dreamer myself, I have written in first person, but it does get old after a while, that why I feel and would rather go elsewhere in my writing, The discription about the index finger with the hot bullets was cool, but I did notice that when you came to talking about the three others next to you, and they getting the hot bullets, you also said right then the index finger was right in the middle of your face., well shoot I take that back because you were talking about her eyes; I didnt realize that her eyes shot out hot bullets also.my bad.

    I also would like to write a book, I have met people that have, my work associate is trying to get me to write kids books with him, but I would like to publish a book of poetry first, then go the next step.


    talk to you soon--

    mike
    | Posted on 2006-04-10 00:00:00 | by Brack-Attax | [ Reply to This ]
      I enjoyed this write, although it felt more like an introduction to a story than a short story all in its own...i feel like i am left wanting more, which isn't a bad thing it means that youve intrigued at least one reader...i can relate to this story, which is something good (you've picked a topic a lot of people can relate to)...i'm sorry if this comment isn't especially helpful, the only suggestion i really have is that perhaps you could add to it because like i said above it feels like an introduction...keep up the great writing
    | Posted on 2006-03-24 00:00:00 | by morte | [ Reply to This ]
      I really like this and I think it can go very far... I can relate because from 2-7 I lived with my dad who was extremely abusive... he once stabbed me in the leg all the way to the bone and refused to take me to the doctor... so this touches me somewhere deep... I almost cried. My one suggestion is to maybe get a bit more graphic about the violence... I think some graphic imagery will touch your readers who haven't experienced abuse in a way that shows them just how painful it is. What you have now is enough to touch those who are experienced and relate, but you gotta open it up to touch everyone. Anyway, definately a great write!!

    -x- Candie
    | Posted on 2006-03-24 00:00:00 | by teenage_dirtbag | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    96285



    Full Anime Episodes Streaming Free
    5 million youtube videos all rated over 4.7 stars with 40+ ratings

    [ Copy this | Start New | Full Size ]

    Google
     

    [ Chrispian ] [ Write Forum ]
    [ Friends ] [ SNESroms ] .
    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry