Abnegation by BLee

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Submission Name: Abnegation dots

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Author:	BLee
Elite Ratio:	5.37 - 62/60/10
Words:	65

Class/Type:	Poetry/Longing
Total Views:	200
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	427

Description:
For reasons of my own making I am cut off from pursuing unfulfilled dreams. This is my way of describing that feeling.

Abnegation dots

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A chunk of the moon
bitten off
by the sharp teeth of stars
the remaining doughy broken orb
a sugar cookie
dropped from the table of heaven
and caught
in the winter bare tree limbs
of a shivering elm
that brushes the edge
of the burnt and blackened sky
with tongues of pencil thin hunger
asking only for crumbs
of the vast night bounty.

Submitted on 2006-03-25 13:39:28 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  Gorgeous flow of imagery without so much as a hiccup. A few changes I would advise--

I would change "the table of heaven" to "heaven's table" for rhythmic reasons. For the same reasons, I'd change "that brushes the edge" to "brushing the edge." I also change "vast night bounty" to "vast night's bounty"... but for less aesthetic reasons. It just bothers me. *skulks*

But those aren't very significant. The most tangible flaw (or maybe not flaw, just an oddity) with this piece is the bizarre introduction of a sugar cookie in an otherwise very traditional atmosphere-- blackened trees, gloomy night, cold stars. Lines like "pencil thin hunger" make their point (ha! punny) but by poem's end, I still can't quite recover from seeing "sugar cookie" splashed across the middle.

Incongrous imagery is not necessarily a bad thing, it's often required to keep the piece from going stale (so many puns, so many), but there's a certain something required to make the (delicious, tasty, crumbly, okillstopnow) pieces fit together. Strange enough to pique the reader's interest, and smooth enough not to jolt (in a bad, unintentional way) his/her experience.

It's still an excellent piece... and I will be looking forward to more from you.
| Posted on 2006-04-03 00:00:00 | by mara | [ Reply to This ]
  There is a lot of good imagery here. Though I had problems with the doughy sugar cookie. Only because if it's doughy I don't expect there to be crumbs, but that might just be me. I like the image of the tree as human. It's trope but a powerful trope and one humanity will never be with out. Probably because it is so powerful and true. But that's what makes a trope right?
I think your lineation worked pretty well. Each line is compact and says no more or less than it needs too. No extra language.
The one line that breaks that at the moment is
"dropped from the table of heaven"
Could it just say
"dropped from heaven's table?"
I think it would help to pare that down a bit... to keep your language a bit more spare, barren, hungry. Get the idea?
| Posted on 2006-03-26 00:00:00 | by DavidHirt | [ Reply to This ]
  Lemme guess, you were hungry when you wrote this. Hungry, and...high? Just kidding. Most poems i've read that were written while high are total baloney. This is...interesting. I mean, not the most, most original, but you did manage to make it your own. Really, it could mean surprising things...maybe. I think, perhaps the piece of moon that fell onto the tree branches represents moonlight?
I especially liked your description of the 'shivering elm' as having 'tongues of pencil thin hunger'.
I wish more people could write with such metaphorical originality.
This is a chuckle and a half, with sprinkles ontop. I see it as being just a different way of describing the beauty of a moonlit night.

And when you reply, I would ask that you don't bother to return the favor by commenting, because I'm not ready for any more comments at the time. I'm working on my ratio....
Thank ya.

Shalom

~Skyniffer~
| Posted on 2006-03-25 00:00:00 | by Jeniffer | [ Reply to This ]

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