Description: I was trying the express love that I have found very hard in myself. So I thought I would put my feelings into these two characters. This is my first un-rhyming poem posted so I'm a little self-coscious. Feedback plz!
All They Ever Knew -------------------------------------------
He was all she ever knew in this world,
In the paradigms of life
Her soul spoke it softly,
When her heart screamed it loudly
Just touch her heart, feel it beat
Feel the words reverberate to your mind
Maybe someday I’ll say it…
She was all he ever knew in his life
His prison of time
His soul stands divided
Tears magnify the pieces of his heart
“Don’t touch it, you’ll hurt yourself”
Whispered softly in the loneliness of night
…….And maybe someday I’ll let you feel it…
Their fingers touch gently at the tips
For an instance of time
She wonders if he can
Hear her heart screaming
He wonders if she can
Feel his heart’s pieces
….And maybe someday I won’t feel the pain…
The cool wind breaks the stillness of time
They move away in fear
Of unveiling their hearts
He runs away with the rush of the wind
She falls to her knees like a leaf from its tree
With pain over whelming like a wave from the ocean
……And maybe someday we’ll see each other…….
The sands of time have built a mountain
Age has disguised their face
They brush pass with a single touch
And turn….and know
For they are all they ever knew in this world
And time has made them understand
…….And finally feel it, hear it, say it; the love for each other
You know... Jaydee (Someone's Epiphany) writes like this most of the time. What I like about this style is that it disregards the rules in the interest of pure unfiltered catharsis (like watching an independent film.) The disadvantage of this style, I think, is that it will be hard to read alone... while trying to capture it's essence.
So you could say that it serves the eyes more than the ears.
With that in mind... I would suggest that you italicize the one liners to give the visual and emotional double-layered feel. It's like telling the audience to read it but do it at your own risk. It's like offering some sort of temptation to go further into the writer's mind... unaware of what the person might find. It's also like giving them the option to breath before going back in because the 6-lined stanzas are more aggressive compared to the one-liners. It also reminds them that they could either see these lines as a seperated entity or an add-on... that gives them the power to jumble your piece and see if there is more for them to find.
That keeps it interesting.
With that being said... I think this is a fine piece.
I like the way you structured this piece and that you are saying what you feel through two characters. The beginning two sections have an eroticism to it and then you move on to the imagery of "the cool wind breaks the stillness of time, they move away in fear of unveiling their hearts" ( screaming truth , right there) and him running away with the ( I would use the word that here instead) rush of the wind while she falls to her knees like a leaf from a tree...nice presentation. I think that "pain overwhelming like a wave from the ocean " is a little too cliché. I would like to see something a little more creative in that place that relates to the wind and trees you previously mentioned. But overall, it has a rhythm and order that flows well. Obviously, keep writing what you call unrhymed poems , since you have a gift of internal hidden rhyming thing going on. :) BLee