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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Obsession of Lovedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: comradenessie
    Elite Ratio:    6.5 - 626/539/110
    Words: 139
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 1543
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 933



    Description:
       For Alteredlife - who inspired this poem.

    A huge thanks to Phil for his first class suggestions. It seems a lot richer now.



    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsObsession of Lovedots
    -------------------------------------------


    Obsession of Love
    -------------------------------------------

    The young man sat down
    and placed blue ink on virgin sheets:
    She was Athena, Venus, Brigit,
    Helen of Troy, the Three Graces
    -- all beautiful women who inspire
    a youthful heart to pour out words
    in poetic rivers of hope.

    They were Spring, Summer, Autumn,
    Winter: neither light nor dark;
    yet he felt no weariness,
    only the desire to write
    timeless passages
    in an unending stream
    -- to expend his life
    on the altar of their loveliness.

    And when at last he paused,
    he noticed how strange his hands
    appeared: how old and wrinkled
    his ancient eyes could barely decipher
    his own expression; as unreadable
    as his words on the mildewed sheets
    or the woman who had led him here.




    Submitted on 2006-03-27 10:20:43     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      In the ways that you have this man describing his woman of desire (Athena, Venus, Helen of Troy) has certainly been used before in love poems, but the entire way you've written this is so original. It strikes a chord inside of me that screams for undying love. It's the true romantic part of me...and of you, I'm sure. I wouldn't change a thing about this.
    Ah, now I just want to slow dance with my husband...lol. Thank you for putting me in this mushy mood :)

    Be Well,
    ~Rachel~
    | Posted on 2006-04-26 00:00:00 | by nebnim | [ Reply to This ]
      I really like this one! This is the poet who spends his life writing about love and then suddenly wakes to realize his life is gone, "sacraficed" as you say. This is beautiful, classical, original, and entertaining. It is a theme much used, but you have given it a new direction, a new voice. I have a few suggestions:

    Keep the tenses the same and the women in the plural. It should be past tense to show his aging, and as much as possible use "time-passage verbs."

    S1 - L1 I perfer "A" to "The". To me it's more singular in this instance. L3 "They were" in place of "She was". L5 Change "inspire to past tense, "inspired." L7 I think "golden" might be better as something like "poetic."

    S2 - L1 "They were" again in place of "She was."
    L2 "neither light nor dark" to me meant he did not sense time passing. I would, however, want something like "timeless passages" to refer to the writing. Maybe you can work both of these in, somehow. L3 I would add yet" to begin this line and make it "had felt."L6 "sacrafice" doesn't imply the time passing, why not someting like "expend." L7 "their" for "her."

    S3 I agree with koster. Using that change, as suggested, L3 "appeared" to imply time change try "had become', and end the line at "wrinkled." L4 Begin new line "His." L7 "women" - plural.

    All this is just to show clearly that time has passed and he has aged. His writing has consumed his life.

    This is a beautiful poem as is, but please consider these suggestions.

    What I like about this poem is how it is simple and straight to the point, yet it has an aura of classic nobility. It is the poetry he attempts to write. It also has a sexual undertone, "virgin sheets", "desire", "altar of loveliness", etc. It is not blatantly sexual just a mild wisp of it. That fits with his attraction to writing "of", "for", "about" women. It also spans time, subtly, as he ages at his desk. I just think that it is very clever, overall, in how it wraps all three of these things together, and yet remains a relatively short and concise poem. Beautifully done!

    Phil
    | Posted on 2006-06-10 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ]
      I always find your posts to be interesting to decipher and find meaning to.
    I particularly like this one and the feel I get while reading it.
    This man who is captivated by the beauty of woman.. her goddess-like features (S1) and her naturalness (S2).. finds that he himself has lived his life through her (or them.. I can't quite get if it's one woman in particular or just women in general).

    I have a bit of history with the story of "Helen of Troy" so that line drew my attention.

    Seems this man spent his life in the pleasure of women (even if only on paper) and suddenly stopped to see how much time had passed.

    A very well thought-out piece of writing here. I enjoyed reading it.
    | Posted on 2006-04-11 00:00:00 | by Intricate1 | [ Reply to This ]
      Got my full attention...my nit pick is the ending... His expression

    And when at last he paused,
    he noticed how strange his hands
    appeared: how old and wrinkled
    his ancient eyes could barely decipher
    his own expression -- amongst
    the mildewed pages of his life
    and the women who led him there.


    perhaps
    he noticed how strange his hands
    appeared: how old and wrinkled
    his ancient eyes could barely decipher
    his own expression; as unreadable
    as his words on the mildewed sheets
    or the woman who had led him here.

    Ties in the writing, a muses uncapture-ability...unreadable, ...?

    But this is a wonderful write and you know i like the classical references and the slight hyptnotiv feeling a reader gets when the scene is as well delineated as this.
    Multi huzzas. (?)

    My regards,
    Steve
    Submitted on 2006-03
    | Posted on 2006-04-03 00:00:00 | by koster | [ Reply to This ]
      beautiful, truly beautiful. I studied classicals and art history at high school, so this kind of thing is "right up my street" as they say.

    I have nothing to add to this other than to say I thoroughly enjoyed reading this, from the first sight of "School of Athens" by Raphael on your profile to the end. Loads of classical imagery and dreaminess. Which, incidentally I'm not certain is an actual word. But hey, the point is that i loved this :)
    | Posted on 2006-04-01 00:00:00 | by Senna27NZ | [ Reply to This ]
      You know, I meant to come back to this - not to nitpick yet again lol, but to tell you a little secret... well, it's not really a secret... but more to do with why I find women to be such an inspiration in my life...

    You know how a lot of ancient goddesses had triple-sided aspects to them? Maiden, mother, crone... the three cycles of the moon etc...?

    Well, I've got three women in my life... ok, that sounds dodgy lol... but one represents the maiden lover (passion and excitement), one represents the mother wife (love and endurance) and the third represents the crone friend (wisdom and understanding)... I'm not going to name names... because this is a public forum and I'm paranoid about who reads this lol...

    I just wanted to say how I perceive muse/goddesses and how it comes out in my writing... in sheer adoration I suppose... sometimes you ladies upset me lol, but for the most part, there is such grace and beauty that I cannot live without... that I seem to be attached to by a silver cord of sorts...

    Also, my only real family in New Zealand has been my mother and little sister... which is another angle to this... does this make sense?

    Sorry to bog you down with a completely useless comment... but this is how I connect to it.

    And the dedication was very sweet of you Ness.
    Peace,

    Jase
    | Posted on 2006-03-30 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]
      Ok Ness, you've already got a few other comments regarding how your third strophe needs fleshing out, which I agree with... visually, it's a lot less to look at... less full on the eye... and sonically, I think you can fit in a few more words to round it off nicely.

    An example of re-enjambment:
    'And when at last he paused,
    he noticed how strange his hands
    appeared: how old and wrinkled
    his ancient eyes could barely decipher
    his own expression'

    - with this you have a line and a half to say what you want... see what I mean?

    Just a suggestion (by all means don't take me literally here, it's just something to flesh it out visually and sonically):
    'And when at last he paused,
    he noticed how strange his hands
    appeared: how old and wrinkled
    his ancient eyes could barely decipher
    his own expression -- amongst
    the mildewed pages of his life
    and the women who lead him there.'

    - as you can see, the seven lines are a lot more fleshed out... and it sounds fuller.

    Your last commenter said something about him feeling like he was made to feel dumb because you listed off some goddess/muse names... I have to disagree... it's central to the poem, and without the names people are left fishing for what you mean. I mean, I know what these ladies signify and what their attributes are, and I don't feel like you're making me feel dumb lol... it gives it flavour... after all, names are powerful in their own right... and what better way to evoke them than to name them outright? Just my two cents on the matter.

    I notice you got rid of 'notes' after 'streaming' which is good... I never thought that sounded right... I wasn't too keen on what you had before 'streaming', which was 'reams' - to me, it brings up the word 'reaming' - lol, I know that's nasty but it does... and I don't think you wanted that... maybe as a double entendre in another poem, but not this one lol.

    What else can I say? You've incorporated everything else I've PM'ed you about regarding a revision... the 'golden rivers of hope' part really does sound a lot better to how you originally had it. And changing 'alter' to altar' was a good move... since you and I were the only one's to get that reference... and really, you want it more universal than that, don't you?

    Anyways, work on the last line and a half or so... that's all I can really say... I'm sure you can come up with a killer ending lol.

    Peace,

    Jase
    | Posted on 2006-03-28 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]
      A lifetime devoted to the muse in all her splendor, beauty and inspired grace? Somehow, the devotion to another allows the soul to remain young as the body ages (and immortalizes the essence of the poet in the presence of the divine spark). You make an interesting statement about classical forms creating both a universal lineage of writers and the energy necessary to inspire them (in a way that spans time, era and culture). Nicely written, comrade. Take care of yourself. Bill.
    | Posted on 2006-03-27 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
      Another nice and original work!

    Let me just point out a few specific comments, since I don't have much time.

    i like the "virgin sheets" describing the paper he's writing on and this hints as a bit of sensualty/desire instead of just love. I'd like to see that played up more in the poem.

    When you tell us who the famous women are, I felt like you betray the readers intelligence. As lovers of poetry/the arts (and indeed even those who aren't) we know who those women are you don't have to tell us. I know you use that statement to describe the writers work, but it made me feel like you (the poet) thought I was dumb. That said, I love your images at the end of the first stanza so maybe make that a pointed description of his writing instead of the more roundabout way you have right now.

    In the last stanza there needs to be some sort of punctuation after "wrinkled" to break up that thought. I'm reading the whole stanza as one sentance and it is throwing me off.

    Hope these ideas help. Nice poem!
    | Posted on 2006-03-27 00:00:00 | by RodeoClown | [ Reply to This ]
      I really like the piece, but I have to solidly disagree with your description. I'm not sure the piece needs much improvement, LOL.

    The one minor change I might make would be in the line
    unending streams of notes
    To me, notes seem like hasty scribblings, and this guy is far form hasty. Unless (on a second reading) you're thinking of musical notes?

    One act of "homonocide"
    on the alter of her loveliness
    should be altar (unless English is different than American).

    VERY cool piece.



    Steve
    | Posted on 2006-03-27 00:00:00 | by Lost Sheep | [ Reply to This ]
      excellent...am honored to see my suggestions taken...beautiful! steve
    | Posted on 2006-06-12 00:00:00 | by koster | [ Reply to This ]
      This was quite an original and very interesting piece, and I verily enjoyed it. However, as you rightly proposed, some work could make this poem even better. I think the first two stanzas flow with eloquence and excellent diction. The imagery and use of literary resources is astonishing and at the same time clever. However, the last stanza is inconsistent with an incoherent tone, and shorter lines. Perhaps, you intended something with those lines, but I see no clear purpose to them, so I recommend revision of the last stanza. But still, I liked this piece a lot. Well done.
    | Posted on 2006-03-27 00:00:00 | by HansRik | [ Reply to This ]


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