Lazy Verbatim by bonita2689

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Submission Name: Lazy Verbatim dots

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Author:	bonita2689
ASL Info:	18/f/in
Elite Ratio:	3.86 - 42/58/33
Words:	75

Class/Type:	Poetry/Misc
Total Views:	178
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	641

Description:
So I was just going through an old friend's poetry and I just noticed how well chosen and placed her words were. I was just completely jealous which helped me to notice how sometimes I am very ignorant in my word choice and usage...hence my lazy verbatim.

Lazy Verbatim dots

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What's this?

Quaint gestures
shooting clever smirks my way?
Waves of stealthiness crashing
against my humble tide?
Effortlessly composed riddles
that teeter the edge of justified prose?...

My tethered and weathered,
braced and re-laced vocabulary
stumbes shyly at your feet.
I'm clutching my frayed knuckles,
crumpling the same ideals time
and again...

You spit out puzzled delicacies
with confident daily pattern,
while I lull in prosaic unconsciousness-
sheer poetic ignorance.

Submitted on 2006-03-27 15:12:05 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  This is exactly why I do plenty of reading. To learn and to apply what I learn in my vocabulary and my writing. Don't feel hard on yourself just because you haven't used Antidisestablishmentarianism in a poem yet. I mean, neither have I. Come to think of it, I haven't used Deoxyribonucleic Acid in one yet either. Eh, whatever.

Keep on writing, Bonita. You are a strong writer, no matter how you see yourself.
| Posted on 2007-09-21 00:00:00 | by manwithnoname | [ Reply to This ]
  I think this is a strong piece Bonita. At 16 you can't be expected to know everything and you shouldn't have too. You have time to learn. The key to learning is to read and see how others do it. Then take the pieces that work for you. And don't try to do it all at once. Work at bits and pieces till you get the whole that is you at the end. I think you're off to a great start. Don't worry about being perfect. Try and learn from your friend.
| Posted on 2006-03-28 00:00:00 | by DavidHirt | [ Reply to This ]
  I agree with Rodeo, though you wrote this to, I guess, vent your jealousy, it was actually really good. The funny thing is, I sometimes feel this way when reading other people's poetry, doubt my own work and then write something that is being heralded by the other patrons of the site. I think all poets go through this from time to time, feeling as if we can do better or that we're not as good as everyone else. This is a poet's curse, I guess. Anyway, really great job, definitely a favorite. ...bb...

XoXo
~Tayla~
| Posted on 2006-03-28 00:00:00 | by Phoenix2004 | [ Reply to This ]
  "My tethered and weathered,
braced and re-laced vocabulary" is excellent. the rhyme is a technique that is often misused, though here it works, and is only made stronger because you are using to describe works that ARE wrong in some way.

my anal-retentive nature must point out a typo. 3rd stanza, 5th line. "sames" should be "same."

you have a wonderful basis for your poem, and have brought it accross wonderfully. even without the explanation in your description, you make it perfectly clear what you are writing about.

I would like to see more feelings, however - wether it be jealousy, hopelessness, anger, whatnot. I think you were getting close on the last stanza - you seem downgrading yourself in the last line and jealousin the first three. I will have to read more of your work.

This reminds me of a piece i read when i was in college. i don't remember the title or author, but it was about a woman who considered her works her children and didn't necessarily like them. if i remember correctly, she refers to them as [censored] children. I will have to try to find that one again.

On a personal note - don't be jealous of your friend's ability. Everyone is at different stages with different words, feelings, and experiences. Maybe she would help you, but beware of her turning her works into yours without realizing it. You have somehting to aspire to.

Just keep pounding them out.
| Posted on 2006-03-27 00:00:00 | by Whildkaht | [ Reply to This ]
  I really couldn't grasp the idea you are trying to portray here, but don't worry, you lost me at the title.
| Posted on 2006-03-27 00:00:00 | by Fat_Rob | [ Reply to This ]
  This is a really good write! The irony is, of course, despite your humble opinion of you own writing when compared to others, you word choice of sound is great.

I really enjoy good sound in a poem and the second staza delievers is spades. Not just the internal rhyme but the word choice. Choosing "teathered" "braced" and "re-laced" to describe your stumbling vocabulary is wonderful (and again witty and ironic) I love the personification. Best of all, though, are the es sounds of "braced" "re-laced" "stumbles" and "shyly" which give the stanza confident and stylish flow.

Nice Work!
| Posted on 2006-03-27 00:00:00 | by RodeoClown | [ Reply to This ]
  I think this is a pretty good piece, and it shows the feeling of being less worthy than someone else very well. I can relate very well to it, especially the last stanza.
There is one thing, though. In the second stanza, the second last line, you have put a comma after "time". In my opinion, this hinders the flow of this piece a bit, as it rattles the readers concentration a little, especially because of the next line. I had to read it a few times to get what you meant. Just something to think about.
All in all, I think this is a great poem, with some great ideas in it. I feel it is an original piece as well, which is definitely only a plus. :D
Take Care,
-Natalia
| Posted on 2006-03-27 00:00:00 | by Natalia Petro | [ Reply to This ]

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