Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • ES Magazine
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • Video Tutorials
  • RolePlay
  • 90% off Amazon
  • Funny Pics
    • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
    • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Bleeddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: The_Forsaken1
    Elite Ratio:    3.01 - 18/25/11
    Words: 128
    Class/Type: Poetry/BrokenHeart
    Total Views: 201
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 746



    Description:
       What are you looking for in terms of feedback? Any background information behind the piece? Hints? Is this just to vent? Emotional state while writing?


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBleeddots
    -------------------------------------------


    If I 1 2 3 will u let it out???
    The evil inside!
    I just cant see to face you
    tonight.
    My heart just beams at your touch
    why wont I try?
    try to hide this hunger
    And let it die!!

    Now I stand to face the fear ive kept in for so long.
    Falling on my own,
    My soul turns to stone.
    now I have to live what you did,
    with what we've done.
    And come face to face with myself
    watching over you as you die

    If I 4 5 6 learn to breath out
    the poison inside!!
    I just wont have enought to live
    tonight
    You raped you stole somthing that was mine
    tonight
    You stole my heart and bled me dry!




    Submitted on 2006-03-27 16:00:53     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      the numbers really added something to this piece but I'm not sure exactly what it is...maybe just more a realistic connection? anyway the flow was kinda off in a few places but your emotion made up for it without question. I think this was a really good write and as long as you felt it and still understand why you felt/still feel it, then maybe it doesn't need to change? I'll have to read some more from you, I think u have alot of talent.
    peace,
    jess
    | Posted on 2006-04-11 00:00:00 | by silent_death12 | [ Reply to This ]
      I like the numbers. Like taking deep breaths to hold back something, like pain or anger... or sadness. The lines could have had a better flow I think. It seemed almost rushed in places. The theme seemed to skip a little as well. It went from talking about something you did to someone else to someone else doing something to you. Although the last line of the second stanza seemed very sincere. I think you shold maybe take a look at it and see what you can do to make it make a little more sense. Sometimes when you fall you fly, but sometimes the fall kills you... Overall I think it was decent. Needs work, but you definately have something there. Keep it up!

    Forever,
    Lilithe
    | Posted on 2006-03-29 00:00:00 | by Lilithe_Aislin | [ Reply to This ]



    Full Anime Episodes Streaming Free
    5 million youtube videos all rated over 4.7 stars with 40+ ratings

    [ Copy this | Start New | Full Size ]

    Google
     

    [ Chrispian ] [ Write Forum ]
    [ Friends ] [ SNESroms ] .
    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry
    This user has been inactive for more than 5 days.