Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Red Waterdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: vintagepepper
    ASL Info:    21/F/OH
    Elite Ratio:    7.05 - 191/153/46
    Words: 127
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 751
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 843



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsRed Waterdots
    -------------------------------------------


    When the red water comes out,
    my eyes glow green.
    There's your inspiration,
    your motivation.
    Kill me before it's too late;
    kill me before i'm already dead.
    Lick the sweat from your lip,
    breathe in my dying wish.
    My soul's hollow is seen in your eyes of fire.

    Your brow raised,
    my heart melts away...into red water.
    Scream at me your insecurities,
    watch them lull me into sweet submission.
    Lead me on the death march
    and lay me in my grave,

    your bitter heart, fading, rotting
    in its own jealousy.
    Erase me from the eye of your past.
    Forget i ever walked with you,
    forget i ever breathed your name,

    forget i ever spoke of loving you.






    Submitted on 2006-03-28 12:05:55     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I think this poem rocks! Just get over it man, and get on your way! It's like, "i'm sick of the drama, leave me the hell alone."

    I don't quite get the "my eyes glow green" part. That sort of trips me up a little. It's the only thing that breaks up the flow/structure, at least for me.
    Later,
    Toby
    | Posted on 2006-04-03 00:00:00 | by afterglow | [ Reply to This ]
      Sounds like you broke up with someone and you feel really bitter about it...you want them to erase you from their memory. Usually when I've had a bad breakup I'd just want them out of my memory. lol

    Your brow's raised,
    My heart melts away...into red water
    Scream at me your insecurities
    Watch them lull into sweet submission
    Lead me on the death march
    and lay me in my grave

    Your bitter heart fading
    Rotting in it's own jealousy
    Forget I ever walked with you
    Forget I ever breathed your name

    Forget I ever spoke of loving you


    Beautiful! The best part of the poem, the heart of it really. I think it would stand stronger on it's own.
    | Posted on 2006-03-28 00:00:00 | by fo | [ Reply to This ]
      Well, I can really feel where you're coming from on this. To just melt away into puddles, the pain and rage is so hot... waxy, sticky hateful love, because if they apologized or did something to reunite, you know you'd cave in on the spot and die to go back. And I totally get the "forget I ever walked with you, breathed your name... It is just crippling to leave someone and know that they still carry those intimate pieces of you that you gave them.... no matter what happens, it has already happened and you can't un-do loving them... and they have that piece of you, even if it is memory, and you just want to tear it back from them, tear their eyes out, tear their worthless [censored] cheating lying heart out and smash them to death....

    OMG, shut me up! Red water... precisely!
    | Posted on 2006-03-30 00:00:00 | by grey_girl | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    96762

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry