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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Six O'Clock Girldots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: andrya
    Elite Ratio:    4.87 - 508/419/62
    Words: 119
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 970
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 941



    Description:
       This poem is as dizzy at six o'clock girl feels.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSix O'Clock Girldots
    -------------------------------------------


    Six o'clock girl
    escaping the shadows,
    purples, pinks, vivid oranges
    is the morning palette
    the sky paints for her.

    Six o'clock girl
    escaping the dream world
    back to the moment
    when she awakens,
    alone.

    Six o'clock girl
    falling into pattern,
    lives for the now,
    repetition contented.

    Jazzy, flashy, musical moments,
    lonely lola cherry cola, six o'clock girl
    lives through the words,
    mechanical action would be refusal;
    disapproval of society's pretense.

    Six o'clock girl is dizzy
    from the spinning, fast paced world.
    She makes her aura her own,
    built from the soul.

    Six o'clock girl agrees
    that purpose is, in fact, purposeless,
    but continues to live
    in this six o'clock world.




    Submitted on 2006-03-28 14:38:41     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Alright, something a little lighter than the last one I read.

    I really liked the structure of the poem. It was fairly fast paced and the minor inconsistencies seemed to play into the tone that this created. It was, in fact, lighthearted in that bright morning sense, with playful phrases like "lonely lola cherry cola". I think it was more coherent than you made it out to be, but it was shown in a series of sharp cuts and turns, which, again, contributed to the tone.

    Ok, so I imagine you drew this from personal experience and your own commentaries of life at dawn. You offer us some quick but insightful philosophical expressions and then continue on down the line. Yes, it was fast paced.

    Personally, I can't remember the last I woke up at six o'clock. It seems almost inhumane to be up at that hour. I love the morning, though. I'm certainly a morning person, it's just, I happen to be a sleeping person, too.

    One thing I caught in s4.
    disapproval of societies pretense.
    Do you mean society as in ownership? I read it as
    disapproval of society's pretense.

    Anyways, I liked the speed of this one. I don't believe I was much help or very revealing , but a comment is a comment.

    I am glad to see you are posting again.
    | Posted on 2006-04-10 00:00:00 | by Eggman | [ Reply to This ]
      I so love the originality of your concept,bravo, which's what I look for first when I read a poem.

    It takes more talent to write something dizzy,yet still have your message come across,again which I also liked.

    It was fun, silly, fast pace and even though,only the six clock girl you speak actually see the world in slow motion for her to get things done.

    very clever piece
    | Posted on 2006-04-06 00:00:00 | by edthepoet | [ Reply to This ]
      I think this had the effect thaat this girl stays busy in life, yet don't live it fully. you had some nice imagery and a good flow. I think the use of free verse helped make this confusing to the reader as you planned. I liked this, but felt somethinf was missing from this...I guess that is the point, the girl is missing the point of life. Nice work.

    Maggie
    | Posted on 2006-04-03 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]
      awesome.
    the futility of modern technological life.
    how it robs us of our humanity, how it limits our ability or opportunities to be ourselves.
    this is beautifully written.
    i love the repetition.
    | Posted on 2006-03-29 00:00:00 | by treybur | [ Reply to This ]
      Poor girl, sounds like she needs more of something called 'love of life' in her life sometimes. Almost as if she pretends to be happy and puts on a happy face for the world, but is too frightened to tell the world how much it drags her down, so she creates her little space, ya know? Does that make sense or am I just rambling?
    I liked how your repetition of six o'clock girl didnt take away or make the poem flat. Hard to do sometimes, but you pulled it off.
    | Posted on 2006-03-28 00:00:00 | by hyproglo | [ Reply to This ]
      Very interesting piece of poetry you got here.
    I love the feeling of vertigo that you gave this, it was almost as if I could experience what your character was going through and I like that.
    I also felt the title was most appropriate too.

    There are a few minor errors in this from my reading though. Your word disapproval as only one P and I believe its two and also you word infact is actually two words in fact, other than and that it was okay and like I said and interesting read.

    Keep up the good work and have a blessed and wonderful day.
    | Posted on 2006-03-28 00:00:00 | by Departed One | [ Reply to This ]


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