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Right in front of you
Under your nose
If you weren't so goddamned blind
you'd see me...
| Ok, this was a bit unexpected. The beginning was a little bit awkward, I think, but you really pulled it together at the end. Just simply restate the first stanza to be more graceful; in fact, you might do something to make it kind of funny:|
"Hey! I'm right here!
Right in front of you.
I'm waving my arms around,
but you show no sign of noticing
that I'm right under your nose.
Maybe if you weren't so goddamned blind
you'd see me......."
There we go, now it seems more complete.
I gotta admit, the ending makes me chuckle.
I like how it is perfectly plain and to the point;
it gets the idea and mood across with a down to earth, frustrated, slightly desperate mood; I can just see a tiny human figure running and jumping back and forth beneath this gigantic nose, waving it's arms around and shouting and cussing in a teeny tiny voice....
I'm losing it.
|| Posted on 2006-04-22 00:00:00 | by Jeniffer | [ Reply to This ] || Well, this is a good start but you really need to elaborate on this one more. I think we can all relate to what you have written here as I have known people like this myself and damn it is frustrating. But in order for this to make an impact with the reader you need more details on who and what and why. I think if you just ask yourself what does this person do that makes you feel this way and why do they do what they do and how it makes you feel, you may be able to find the words to make this poem work. If you do, let me know and I will come back and read again. Take care.|
|| Posted on 2006-04-06 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ] || I like the thought and I'm a believer that short poems are sometimes the best. I'm afraid this one needs a little more. |
I think the problem is that you're assuming that we already identify with person you're speaking of. I think you need to introduce that person a bit.
You might want to consider adding a bit of song and dance to the beginning talking about "Oh how lonely she is" and "How nobody cares", all of the typical stuff that goes with this mindset. If you write it well, people will begin to identify with her a bit and they'll see her as lonely. Then you wrap it up with what you have here and it gains more impact.
Hope this helps,
|| Posted on 2006-04-04 00:00:00 | by Lost Sheep | [ Reply to This ] || wow, so short, but says so much. I always feel that way, everyone does. But not many people will tell they feel that way, the just keep it inside. But to tell all that in just a few words, wow.|
|| Posted on 2006-04-04 00:00:00 | by daughterofdeath | [ Reply to This ] || huh, wow read minds much? i think at times, everyone feels like this. some more than others. me and you in perticular i guess. like no matter how much you can love someone they're never going to realize it. or something like that. this sounds even a bit like a haiku, just the wrong structure... but hey at least it'd be easy to set up. anyways i think you can pry a bit further into this feeling, and make it into something magnificant that many can relate to. its heartbreaking, to feel that way. you're so powerless. hope this works out for you|
|| Posted on 2006-04-01 00:00:00 | by playcrackthesky | [ Reply to This ] || hi zu...long time since you've written stuff on eliteskills! well, i find this post very different one from all your other stuff. I think it deals with something very relevant, although it deals with just a single thing. The first interpretation - Taking people for granted when they are always around you to help you, second- Not realising what we have in our own backyard before going for a world tour... i like the fact that it is short and yet conveys the meaning, however, maybe you could combine stuff related to this. That would make it a rich text with a lot more meaning in it. |
|| Posted on 2006-04-01 00:00:00 | by mihir | [ Reply to This ] || Short. I'm sorry, it is a good start, but it lacks thought and...mmm...a sense of...not style, but...feeling. I got a brief glimpse of your anger or sadness, but then it just came screeching to a halt with the end of the write. It almost sounds like the beginning of a song, and then fades off. |
It's not that I don't like it, it is just that it is too short and incomplete.
|| Posted on 2006-03-30 00:00:00 | by Raging Rain | [ Reply to This ] || An interesting assessment of the overlooked/debased/discouraged/disenfranchised, and how society pays no attention to those among the masses until they've become famous (or infamous). Strangely enough, more people are interested in standing next to those who've just acquired their fifteen minutes of fame than connecting with their families on a daily basis. An intriguing write. Take care of yourself. Bill.||| Posted on 2006-03-29 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ] || Actually, I like it just the way it is. |
I 'see' you perfectly and the point of the poem as well.
I feel as if you are 'In my face' and 'in my space' Perhaps you are very short of in a wheel chair. Whatever the case, I should see you eye to eye.
Especially because the poem is so short, punctuation is very important.
|| Posted on 2006-03-28 00:00:00 | by D McDaniel | [ Reply to This ] || There is so little here to really make and effort to try and understand . obviously the narrative is looking for attention, and can't believe that they are missing him although he's in front of them...but there is no heightened language, it lacks music, magic, emotion. It get's one feeling across. EOUND. Dig deeper into yourself, find a vehicle for metaphor, find a trope -- something to make it not quite so obvious, but at the same time evident. You have a good start, dig deeper into your self...that's all i can offer.|
|| Posted on 2006-03-28 00:00:00 | by 27_deadpoets | [ Reply to This ] || I'm not sure that this thought or whatever is complete, if that makes sense..expand on this thought, what is provokes this person to feel that way? I want to know more.||| Posted on 2006-03-28 00:00:00 | by norm | [ Reply to This ] || Even though this was short, it has a good meaning. It took me a little bit but lol that's just me. If you add more, it could be better but I still like it the way it is right now.|
I think you're saying that you're invisable. Just like the title. But I think that you or the person you're writing about feels unwanted or un noticed. Like whenever you say something, nobody listens. That's just my way of seeing it so yea...
Keep on writing!
~*~ Lisa ~*~
|| Posted on 2006-09-02 00:00:00 | by Nani | [ Reply to This ] |