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    dots Submission Name: untitleddots

    Author: beth freese
    ASL Info:    18.F.Earth
    Elite Ratio:    3.5 - 74/113/39
    Words: 40
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 759
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 281

       universe is translated into one song. i was just sorta thinking when i found that out. tell me what you think. i think it's sorta interesting so meh.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    one song.
    but i walk to the beat
    of my own drum
    here i am
    messing up the world
    with the boring snap
    of my fingers
    destructing the beautiful symphany
    of the universe
    simply put, i don't belong here

    Submitted on 2006-03-28 21:49:04     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I'd like to see you expand on this one; it has resonance and power but it's a bit too brief to have the impact it might have had. Perhaps if you broke this up into three four line stanzas with an equally brief title ("1NE" comes to mind).As it is, it serves as a nice intro to a longer work on the theme of individualism and visionary uniqueness. Just some thoughts. Take care of yourself. Bill.
    | Posted on 2006-04-01 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
      I have to agree with chilz, but it's great the way it is. Some poems are just meant to be left short. And I totally understand short poems, cause I do them all the time :P
    I really liked this, overall.

    | Posted on 2006-03-28 00:00:00 | by darkwinged | [ Reply to This ]
      this is simple yet strong in its messege. i believe it has th petential to become a bigger greater poem but i like the simplistic (i dont know if that is a word or not) of it. Simple messege simple text. lovely.
    | Posted on 2006-03-28 00:00:00 | by chilz | [ Reply to This ]
      Short, but strong. Very simple and direct yet it definately carries weight. I would like to see it with some deeper or heavier words. Not neccesarily more words, just different words.
    shaking apart the world
    with the reverberating snap

    shattering the beautiful symphony,
    the universe.
    Simply put...
    I don't belong here

    Those are just suggestions. Pardon my spelling by the way. Not much good without spell check :). Anyways, I enjoyed this piece and I hope you continue writing.

    | Posted on 2006-03-28 00:00:00 | by rockunsilenced | [ Reply to This ]

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