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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Fury I guessdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: beth freese
    ASL Info:    18.F.Earth
    Elite Ratio:    3.5 - 74/113/39
    Words: 72
    Class/Type: Poetry/Sorry
    Total Views: 707
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 499



    Description:
       i punched a hole in my wall. yeah i was pretty pissed off. but now i pretty much regret it. meh. i'm pretty sure that's to be expected. oh well though. i need a good title...i don't really like Fury so i'm open to suggestions there too. thanks.


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    dotsFury I guessdots
    -------------------------------------------


    like some kind of boxer,
    rocky perhaps without the heart
    throwing useless punches
    into the helpless victim
    watching it split
    and give up on me
    dust hits the air
    right where I breathe
    and I cough
    but keep going
    watching the wall,
    cringe in pain
    it has nothign left,
    I have nothing left.
    so i stop
    and look at the damage
    my red fists have created
    and my blue eyes cry.
    sorry.




    Submitted on 2006-03-28 21:59:53     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Craziness. I ninja kicked a hole in the wall at my old place. That was on accident though. I was just kind of tapping on it, and then my foot went through. What I usually end up doing when I'm in a weird sort of a mood is turning up my music really loud, and shadowboxing for awhile. I went all night once cause I couldn't sleep at all.

    Anyhow, I think the feeling is there. I definitely know where you're coming from, but the mechanics need some work. Small things really. Capital letters at your first word, and then again at Rocky, that sort of thing. Maybe it's just me, but the 'and' at 'and I cough' doesn't feel right. I would have just cut that word myself. And your first 'nothing' got the 'g' and the 'n' flip-flopped.

    Look through it one more time, and make sure you like it. I love the ideas and the feeling behind it all, but the technical stuff needs some work. Otherwise, nice job.

    So says Queen Vanessa.
    | Posted on 2006-04-01 00:00:00 | by Zabriel | [ Reply to This ]
      Your title is in the line "Right Where I Breathe." It tells the story more or less in your frustration and angst. There were some very powerful word pictures in this write.
    | Posted on 2006-03-29 00:00:00 | by The Gadfly | [ Reply to This ]
      This is pretty cool...I've known so many people that do crazy things like that, punching stupid inanimate objects, and ending up hurting themselves instead. My friend in high school punched the concrete wall and broke his hand. My exboyfriend got pissed and punched the side mirror on his truck, and still has a scar where a chunk of his hand was taken out by the glass. And I know that I've felt like punching things like that before...I just wonder, does it help? From reading this poem, I guess it doesn't...Really interesting topic to write about...
    | Posted on 2006-03-29 00:00:00 | by Raivn | [ Reply to This ]
      What a unique issue to write a poem about. Punching a wall, man thats got to hurt. I like how you wrote this. Your description of the situation was very nice and I commend you for that.

    On the issue of the title I guess it could use a change, hmmm... In Anger or My Fury... or Venting or something like that. Anyways I like this. Keep up the good work and have a blessed and wonderful day.

    How you work or worked out whatever made you so mad.
    | Posted on 2006-03-29 00:00:00 | by Departed One | [ Reply to This ]
      sorry...for what? Hitting the wall? At least it was the wall and not some person...but what made you so mad?

    It's fine by itself. These are just questions that rise when I read it. (just so you know!)

    I like this, and am becoming quick a fan of your work.

    kassandra
    | Posted on 2006-03-28 00:00:00 | by darkwinged | [ Reply to This ]


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    96834

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