Dry Passion by insphered soul

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Submission Name: Dry Passion dots

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Author:	insphered soul
ASL Info:	17/M/Bacon Sandwich
Elite Ratio:	6.57 - 450/374/89
Words:	64

Class/Type:	Poetry/Passion
Total Views:	242
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	504

Description:
I'm trying to get the hang of using semi-colons and such, so im not sure if I used them correctly. please tell me if I didn't.

This was mainly about what happened at my girlfriends house. Of course, we didn't lose any clothes, but our bodies did colide.......in other words: dry humping, or as she calls it, grinding. grinding? sounds like some fake word for it. I guess its just one of those times she tries to act black, idk.

~Zach~

Dry Passion dots

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Lust is the key,
for the couple,
that can't wait
to share their live's

As the heat of the moment,
takes place in its
most powerful form,
urges take over

Many things happen;
clothes are lost,
bodies collide;
temporarily, urges are satisfied.

Now, laying in the after,
their tired bodies
snuggle together,
for shelter from loneliness.

Submitted on 2006-03-29 07:35:15 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  *takes deep breath*

k, first of all, lets start at the beginning (where else?)

the title drew me in

second, about the semicolons, as they are the next thing mentioned in my trip down to here,
i understand that you were trying to get the hang of them, and you used them well, but perhaps a bit too much, but bc of the first reason in this paragraph, the second will be forgiven

next, the rest of the description caught me WAYYY off guard. WAY.

WAY

but, after a few moments on internal struggle, i decided to read it

the description also made me wonder a few things:
1.) why would you date a white girl if she's trying to act black (aka, be someone she's not)
2.) you talked about it? that had to be a weird convo...buti just dont even know where to go with that

anyway, i did a lot of thinking before i decided to comment on this, as you may imagine

i had to...think...so i read everyone else's comments, which i usually dont do

but anyway, the apostrophe in "live's" bothers me

really

it REALLY bithers me and i just want to slap it

*glares at it*

i had no idea what to expect before i read it

and when i did, well, i would say it was nothing like what i expected, but, as i just pointed out, i didnt know what to expect

but it was REALLY good

...in the first stanza, the comma at the end of the second line seems out of place and disrupts the flow...same for the one in the first line of the second stanza...

"Now, laying in the after"

i really liked that, how its different than anyone else would have put it. just makes me wanna say

"you're an extraordinary poet"

like i said, it was REALLY good, i liked the way that, as a few of the other critiques point out, the mood changes from the beginning to the end

and, as a guy, it's amazing how you see things like this (or anything, really)

you're so...sweet...

in a way, and i hate to say it but-and as i've said before, i wouldn't change anything in my past or yours bc we may not be with each other today-but anyway, "there's a first time for everything" so im kind of glad you were with her before me...for one thing, you wouldnt be who you are, and for another, well, it would ('ve) be(en) weird if you hadnt..done anything before ou met me.

so yeah

i think that's about it...after i resolved to read it as two ppl in a story as opposed to, well, you and her, i was able to appreciate the poem for what it is...its extremely well-written...you're a really good poet when you have something to inspire you/something to go on...but i guess just about anybody can be. but you never cease to amaze me

and i love you

love,
me

| Posted on 2007-03-17 00:00:00 | by GoKart Mozart | [ Reply to This ]
  This was pretty short, but got the feelings out quite nicely I think. I really liked how the poem took me from seeing 2 people just trying to get it on and in the end, it actually turned out to have some meaning to it. I know that it said that these 2 were waiting to share their lives together, but I think I kinda lost that a bit in the heat of the moment...what was described to me isn't "making love", it's heat of the moment good 'ol sex. That's why I said that. But anyway, this was pretty darn good.

Candi
| Posted on 2006-04-14 00:00:00 | by dreamweaver | [ Reply to This ]
  Grinding... LOL! reminds me of making coffee.....
But I get the picture....

The last line made it somewhat poignant.... lending a feeling almost like the main reason for 'grinding' was a mere momentary escape from loneliness..... now that can be seen as a hopeful longterm solution or could be seen as a sad attempt to relieve an ailment with an alternative that doesn't quite match up to the requirement.... confusing? so is love and relationships.....

btw.. semicolons? I didn't notice... so your use of them didn't trip me up. And believe me, I'm one to point out a blaring misplacement of markings.

good stuff man :_) Ricky
| Posted on 2006-07-22 00:00:00 | by CrypticBard | [ Reply to This ]
  I like this. Though you gave a description, I hope that you don’t mind if I tell you what I got out of it.

In the first stanza, it sounds as though you are speaking about a couple that moves too fast, they cannot wait to be together physically even though they are not in love. And that is lust; wanting the body more than the heart.

In the second stanza, you talk of getting “caught up in the moment,” in this form of uncontrollable yearning for skin on skin. Perhaps because it is wrong, the temptation is even stronger and harder to resist.

I won’t say much about the third stanza, obviously it is what it is. However, the “urges are satisfied” part is interesting. Because while the initial urges may feel satisfied, there will most likely soon be a feeling of unsatisfaction to follow. Which will most likely result in more lustly relations.

The fourth stanza describes the bitter taste that comes afterwards, as they “snuggle together, for shelter from loneliness.” Possibly the loneliness they will feel if they are apart, intensified by the ultimate closeness they just shared, forging the feelings that they never let develop into something they are not ready for. That's sad and...well...lonely!

If you haven’t noticed, sex is a very serious thing to me, a deep connection. Perhaps they are simply closer now and are turning to each other as protection from outside cruelty, allowing their relationship to turn into something more. Though it seems more like the first way to me.

Whatever it is, you’ve read my view, and I like this piece. I also like that although you included a description, it has little detail and still allows the reader to get his own meaning out of it.

As for the grammatical things, I’m pretty sure Steve caught those, so I won’t repeat what he said. This is an interesting piece, and it obviously made me think quite in depth. Nice job.

-Cari
| Posted on 2006-03-29 00:00:00 | by prettybaby | [ Reply to This ]
  I really like the simplicity to this.

I read this, and it took me back in long forgotten memories of my younger days. Lol, that was oly 5 or 6 years ago and just remembering makes me feel old, O.o

Good poem, screw punctuation, when you feel something in your heart or in your mind it just slows you down. It may be a good idea eventually, but this is as good as anything I write in first stage.
| Posted on 2006-03-29 00:00:00 | by ThisIsReal | [ Reply to This ]
  Punctuation in poetry is always murky. I think you've technically used the semicolons correctly, but even though I use them often in stories, semicolons seem a little stuffy for romantic pieces.

Lust is the key,
for the couple,
that can't wait
to share their live's
You don't need the apostrophe in lives, as it's just a plural.

As the heat of the moment,
takes place in its
most powerful form,
urges take over

Many things happen;
clothes are lost;
bodies colide;
Should be collide
urges are satisfied.
I think ellipses might work better here than semicolons. They would force the reader to pause a bit.

Now, laying in the after,
their tired bodies
snuggle together,
for shelter from lonliness.

There are a couple of problems with the last line. Spellingwise it should be "loneliness".

<Right Click, delete>
I'm rethinking my approach to the second problem, LOL.

I guess it's not really a problem with the poem, it's a problem with the characters. Early on, it seems that we have two people that share a serious bond; they can't wait to share their lives. In the end, we find that they are really two lonely people clinging together looking for happiness. Their relationship seems to based on avoiding the negative (loneliness), rather than adding positives (love). That's actually a very common mistake real people make. It's well written, leading us along a bit, then exposing the reality at the end. Viewed this way, it's a pretty sad piece.

Thanks for sharing

Steve

| Posted on 2006-03-29 00:00:00 | by Lost Sheep | [ Reply to This ]
  Wow for someone so young you describe a nice escape where animal instincts take over... I have to say when I was around your age sex wasn't so beautiful in my mind it took some years added before I realized what it was... Don't lose that a women can tell whether you're making love or just trying to thrash her... But wonderful write as for the semi-colons Mel covered it pretty well if you want help Microsoft word I think adds it automaticly so you can see where they are supposed to go... Keep writing Anthony
| Posted on 2006-03-29 00:00:00 | by Kersofmia | [ Reply to This ]
  Hi, firstly the semi colons, my interpretation of a semi colon is of a mark that sort of says 'for example' or e.g. so the first semi colon was used correctly, but the second one was not necessary and a comma (,) would have been better. As for the poem. I really enjoyed the lustful explosion described in the poem and the peace and sense of unity you described at the end. The poem tells a story of a new relationship where sex is almost like a drug; you need it, you have to have it, and that inner peace you feel for a while afterwards, is irreplaceable....until the next time!!! Nice little poem. Mel
| Posted on 2006-03-29 00:00:00 | by litllost | [ Reply to This ]
  I thought this poem was rather cute. The title caught my eye and I guess I was ready for some broken hearted romantic thing, but this works too. I loved the second paragraph to your description; made me giggle.

Anyhow, you said you're just working with semi colons, well, semi colons are used to connect to phrases together, which have some connection! I had toruble iwth them at first <_< putting them in wrong places, but now I thikn I've gotten the hang of it, and you will too!

FOr the ones I read in this poem, they seemed put correctly. Yes, they were used rather correctly. It's always good to have a variety of punctuation! And the fact that you're trying to improve with yours, shows you want to becoem a more experienced writer. So that's a good start.

Now, onto your poem.

I think this described your situation although... I think it may have represented sex too much, so maybe if you went back and added a little hint, other than the title, the theme will be more easily understood. But that's merely my opinion. My fav stanza had to be the first and my least fav, the last. I didn't like the last much because you went too far off from your original stand point which was, dry sex. It sounded more like sex, and that you two were rather tired from the... interaction. Although, the last line was kinda cute.

Anyway, overall, I guess I enjoyed this, it was rather cute, had a sense of passion so it was well done. Good luck with yer semicolons, and take care. Thanks for sharing.
| Posted on 2006-06-22 00:00:00 | by Rask | [ Reply to This ]

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