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He follows


Author: Rain
ASL Info:    22/F/Idaho
Elite Ratio:    3.84 - 531 /514 /70
Words: 138
Class/Type: Poetry /Depressed
Total Views: 1851
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 922



Description:


Okay, I was bored in Math class.



He follows



One dark hole,
five black spirals,
three bright lights flashing.
The bleakness of the world falls
around the feet of many.

Stumbling fools make their way through life
without a care, without a hope.
Jabbering morons talk their way through situations,
not a real thought crosses their mind.

The stepping stones of life
are only as big as you make them.
And the larger the foot,
the more they take for granted.
The river stops for no one.

Five black spirals plunge
into one dark hole.
A final resting place for some,
but three turn toward the bright light.

The misery of life,
can be escaped by only the innocent.
Those pure at heart and soul are unlikely to be found.
The darkened souls over populate
and the Reaper is never far behind.




Submitted on 2006-03-29 11:11:24     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  Okay Kim, what has happened? Where the hell did this extremely fine piece of writing come from?

Optimistic, full of hope...it's really good, you know?

Make it perfect and fix the typos in S3 "plunge" and "towards"
I'd also find another word for "bleakness" and use that at the end instead of the repeat, even "pure" could be subbed in the last stanza.

Excellent work Kim, and you know I mean it

be happy

Graeme
| Posted on 2006-04-09 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]
  Well, hell! Boredom has definately sprouted a mighty fine write today! There are so many things in this write that I find to be just grand and educational in the ways of the world and of life Kimbre. Shadowed in the darkness of this write is the purity of the light, and that takes some skill to do that. Like I said, you are a good writer.

O.k. Gotta nitpick a bit:

not a real though crosses their mind

Did you mean "thought" there? Dunno, might work better.

And grantid should be spelled granted.

Those pure at heart and soul are unlike to be found

Maybe "unlikely" ooo...or maybe even "not likely"...?

Just some thoughts, but definately not enough to keep from the faves list.

Flowing rivers can never be stopped...I loved that part.
| Posted on 2006-03-29 00:00:00 | by hyproglo | [ Reply to This ]
  I believe you are referring to five black spirals as the major senses making a human life
You worded this very well and this poem really created some intense visions
Very Well Worded
God Bless
Ron
| Posted on 2006-03-29 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
  hmmm overall i find this poem mysteriously appealing tho it has some spelling mistakes and some parts are more unlcear than mysterious

Those pure at heart and soul are unlike to be found

perhaps u meant unlikey to be found but a little proofreading and revision could make this into a very beautiful poem nice job :D
| Posted on 2006-03-29 00:00:00 | by Shadows Life | [ Reply to This ]


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