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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Freddy Krueger goes Down!dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Rokhal
    ASL Info:    21, f, USA NW
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 85/71/18
    Words: 223
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1212
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1589



    Description:
       Please let me know if anything is confusing so I can fix it.
    This was for fun, and to practice creating a poem with a beginning, middle, and end, as opposed to watching it grow up like a spring crocus, or a man-eating zombie rabbit. I tried out sprung rhythm (I think) which is a way of counting meter that uses only the accented syllables. That's why the lines vary wildly in length, but they're each built around five beats.
    The opposing character is one of my own; Freddy is courtesy of Wikipedia and the first few minutes of Freddy vs Jason. Please tell me if I've missed what Freddy is all about or anything like that.
    "Insult" as I used it means bodily injury or trauma.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsFreddy Krueger goes Down!dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Soft teasing into the mindscape,
    The burnt man stretched and leered, itinerant maggot
    In feeble sleepers’ blood, flexing lock-talons
    And rearing erect, as though fresh from the ooze of his parentage.
    The associative brain is most hospitable to ghosts.

    He winks and it’s all red.
    Wakey, wakey.

    Dragging air in, thorny air
    To unsuspecting lungs, Annmarie panics.
    Red room! Red room! Stranger!
    Pain’s dikes rear like footmen’s pikes,
    Hiking enemy colors, homeland scalps.

    She kicks like a dead thing,
    No screaming.

    Rust and coal, crusty sparking pyre
    The walls screech and hiss in ritual ire,
    Forms like frozen seething snakes
    Or entrails, black and gurgling with steam
    Their lord hefts his prey, stroking her deep

    Slitting bone, trigger
    The girl jerks—

    “You played the wrong mind, worm.”
    Her voice rails from the pipes, changed.
    In his hands, throat bones hackle to roar:
    Like cutting ants, the sound seismiphies his bones.
    Scourged, the burned man chokes and coils,

    The insult of her talon
    Is a mercy.

    The boiler’s walls rally to the girl
    Like nestlings, stretching budding iron teeth.
    At her nod, they tear him. She grins like shrapnel.
    “Meet my dragon,” she tells the air, absent.
    She wakes cold, ringed by watchers,

    And checks her hands for claws.
    “I got him.”





    Submitted on 2006-03-29 18:34:39     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      This is marvelous. You did wonderfully with the sprung meter, and it's certainly more than I could have handled. I've never seen the movies, but I certainly would like to see Freddy meet his end in such a wonderfully wicked way. It's structured beautifully. Way to go!
    | Posted on 2006-04-12 00:00:00 | by JAvery | [ Reply to This ]
      How perfecly sickening! I agree it was comical. It reminded me especially ithe third stanza of the Lord of the Rings It has that 'epic' quality of the all out battle between powerful forces. I think the rhyme scheeme worked well.
    Jeannine
    | Posted on 2006-04-11 00:00:00 | by Lafferty | [ Reply to This ]
      Are you sure you've never seen the movies because some of them do involve a boiler room, so you got that part right (good job if you just kind of wrote it just to write it). And you also got it right about him entering through dreams -2 for 2. As far as your character, Annmarie, well, I don't think you butchered it because in dreams, anything can happen. It's actually quite comical, if you ever do get the chance to see the movies, maybe it will make more sense to you. But as it stands, having not seen the movie beforehand, this was pretty good. Nice job. ...bb...

    XoXo
    ~Tayla~
    | Posted on 2006-03-30 00:00:00 | by Phoenix2004 | [ Reply to This ]


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