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    dots Submission Name: The dark lane i walkdots

    Author: keestu
    ASL Info:    32/male/Sydney
    Elite Ratio:    5.61 - 153/95/116
    Words: 165
    Class/Type: Poetry/Dark
    Total Views: 761
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 817

       My very own dark poem

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe dark lane i walkdots

    More that we find that we find in our life
    Mind that the world so fine around us
    Kind are we to line the life up
    To bind in the corners till all that's a fuss.

    Seem to be that all are bleak
    Doomed are we in the wrong that we seek
    Go for the not and no that we take
    Hell we get into the hell that we fake.

    Make the right or as it is called
    We go it in a smooth path to walk
    Troubles competition all that are customs
    The heaven of the right as so as we talk.

    Choose that have i in the right and the wrong
    Made that have i in the path to be found
    Ying and the yang together in the pound
    Is the dark lane i walk the dark lane so profound.

    The lane of glory.

    Submitted on 2006-03-30 04:38:12     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Agreed, I love how it play with the mind. Kinda though to read at point cuz the flow was off. When I was reading it at points I noticed that some words could be knocked off and it would make it much better....

    To bind in the corners till all that's a fuss.
    <I'd knock off 'that's' and just put 'all's'>

    Doomed are we in the wrong that we seek
    <knock off the 'that'>

    Hell we get into the hell that we fake.
    <again, say bye-bye to the 'that'>

    Make the right or as it is called
    <might have been easier to say 'or so it's called'>

    We go it in a smooth path to walk
    <I understnad what you're trying to say, but it seemd forced and didn't sound right>

    Otherwise, this was a nice poem.

    | Posted on 2006-03-31 00:00:00 | by Toxic_Rayne | [ Reply to This ]
      this poem is pretty good. it kinda plays with the mind of the reader and i like it.
    still i don’t now if i truly understood the meaning of the repetition of “that we find” in the first verse: “More that we find that we find in our life”...maybe you will explain it to me :)

    P.S.: i read your last comments and i want to tell you that you can't criticize a writer just because he/she makes long submissions. it is their choice on how long the poems should be.
    + abcd……is NOT a good comment.
    Big ratings are for those who have something to say.
    | Posted on 2006-03-30 00:00:00 | by Sad Lion | [ Reply to This ]
      I have nothing to critique. This was beautifully writen and so incredibly true. It is hard to say if we are fortunate to be so awake, or cursed because it seems much easier to sleep through our lives. None the less, I am happy to be alive and awake, no matter the consciequences.... Thank you for reassuring I am not alone.
    | Posted on 2006-03-30 00:00:00 | by Chas | [ Reply to This ]

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