Through Crimson by giventofly

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Submission Name: Through Crimson dots

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Author:	giventofly
ASL Info:	19/M/Seattle, Washington
Elite Ratio:	5.22 - 74/75/27
Words:	168

Class/Type:	Poetry/
Total Views:	226
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	1239

Description:
This was one of my very earliest works which I wrote soon after someone very important to me died in a car accident. I think the message is rather lucid, but the style is likely a little different than you have seen. Say what you will, but it's so old that any writing advice would probably be obsolete.

Through Crimson dots

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Beauty glides through the chatter
Into a readied veiw.

Eyes,
Smile,
A finger undulating wave.

Disqust,
Cowardess,
He turns tail and runs, motionless.

Days,
Weeks,
A month or two,
All filled with her invisible presence.

Culmination leads to anxtiety...
Always.

There they sit.

A smirk,
Pupils chase away pupils.

Awkward,
Misplaced,
He drowns in the silence or wishes he could.

An ill-concieved question
sneaks past a voice caked with dust.
A syllable into the passenger window
Gives way to an awestruck gaze.

Then, all comes to a shattering halt.

A hole ripped in the "safety glass",
A dangling seatbelt.

His bloody hands fumble for a latch.
His body spills from his bucket onto the asphalt.

Desperately peering through crimson
He sees his world, lying in shambles.

He knows.

What is left of him falls to the hot pavement,
And a heart beats in the chest of a dead man.

Submitted on 2006-03-30 13:49:36 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
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3: meh!
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5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  HOLY CRAP! Amazing!

For an "old" poem of yours, this is one stellar write! It's not all the time I find a poem that strikes me like this. I absolutely love this one. You really described the feelings of the person. The denial (they aren't dead!), the emptiness (it's not the same without them), etc. And your description of the accident is very well done as well.

This line was a real interesting one:
"Disgust,
Cowardess,
He turns tail and runs, motionless"

I can just see the other driver, unharmed, driving away from the scene of the accident instead of getting out and trying to help. Horrible, horrible. Is that what happened with this incident? Did the other driver just drive away?

I am adding this to my favourites list because I am truly amazed at how good a job you did with this.

Keep up the good work!
| Posted on 2007-09-24 00:00:00 | by manwithnoname | [ Reply to This ]
  You did a good job with the pauses in this piece. "There they sit." It came at a good time and they all just add to the suspense of what seems to be darker poetry. Some of it sounds a little cliché, like drowning in silence, but the overall tone of the piece mixed with your wide-spread vocabulary are all nice to hear. I like it. :)
| Posted on 2007-02-06 00:00:00 | by awastedsky | [ Reply to This ]
  I must agree I thought this was a wonderful write, I liked the style words leading to sentence and it did have a sort of flow without the structure... Those words as well struck me the whole way you led to that one line was terrific I must say BRAVO... Very sad topic to write about but the sharing of pain always makes me feel better lol like they take a little bit with them... Wonderful write... Anthony
| Posted on 2006-03-30 00:00:00 | by Kersofmia | [ Reply to This ]
  omg! wow.
that was my initial impression.

i must say the most powerful part of this whole poem is at the very end.

W.O.W. i dont know why, because i saw it coming but the last few words is like a HUGE slap in the face.

"And a heart beats in the chest of a dead man."

it's almost that when i read these words they took my breath away...i dont know. i just thought they were very powerful. ...very good ending to this poem i must say.

as of the style, i liked it. it was unique and i enjoyed that a lot.

i like the small, short stanzas. very brief, they are almost choppy but it makes the flow of the poem move along quite nicely.

overall i thought this was definitely a great write. ...i liked it a lot.
| Posted on 2006-03-30 00:00:00 | by vintagepepper | [ Reply to This ]

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