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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Broken Heartdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Suicidalchild51
    ASL Info:    15/f/wa
    Elite Ratio:    3.19 - 402/332/83
    Words: 288
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 179
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1782



    Description:
       ok this is about one boy breaking up with me and totally breaking my heart... thinking I could never live another day without him... but then finding a new guy who changed all that.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBroken Heartdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Torn, Shattered,
    Cut in two,
    This is what i am,
    All because of you.

    I had to love you
    I wanted you around,
    You said you loved me too
    But left my heart apon the ground.

    Its so hard without your love.
    I thought we would last,
    Now im dazed and confuzed,
    My future is my past.

    I cry all the time,
    My mind has gone crazy,
    All these pillz is makin my hazy.

    I try to forget you
    Forget the way i felt,
    But to remember all those things you said,
    That made me heart melt.

    When i used to cry,
    They were tears of joy,
    That i could be with,
    The most wonderful boy.

    Now when i cry,
    Its like a sad song,
    That no one can hear,
    But through a pipe or a bong.

    If you could only feel
    The pain i felt,
    When you told me it was over
    Shoulda seen the way i delt.

    I cut my wrists,
    I blacked my eyes,
    No boy could change,
    The feel I felt inside.

    I went alone
    For four months straight
    Trying to get my life
    Rearanged.

    You left me behind,
    You got a new girl,
    Your love was lost,
    My head was a whirl.

    But I Got a new boy,
    Your not in my life,
    he saved me from you,
    He pulled out the knife.

    He healed all my scares
    Hes the all i could ask,
    He lets me beat him up,
    Even tho he could kick my ass.

    We're better then us
    Hes better then you
    Go suck his dick
    Cuz finally we're through








    Submitted on 2006-03-30 14:24:59     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      It was okay, i like your dark style.
    It draws me to a poem that much more.
    I think your writing stuff thats too over used.
    like with your heart lying on the ground, and the cut my wrists and black my eyes thing.
    I believe that there is alot to heart break and to suicide and if you can find the right words and the right story to tell you can make it beautiful. I believe you just kinda rambled on and dragged it out longer then it needed to be. . maybe a little bit shorter and add more visual and longer sentence's. . then you can shorten it up a bit. I agree with the errors and the counting the syllables or else it doesn't flow right. Your rhymes were fairly decent but some of them were just two forced and over used alot. Widen your vocabulary, it draws so much more to the poem. Anyways it was an awesome start i hope to read more from you darling.

    Amberinaa*
    xoxox.
    | Posted on 2007-02-17 00:00:00 | by -amberina | [ Reply to This ]
      good start i really lliked this. i kno its been a little rocky but one thing a person doesnt forget is how muhc fun and good times we had together an one learns to forget the mistakes made by eachother. time is hard but im sure that the fun we once had can re-emerge again. so good write and keep this up. *smile*
    an [x] to an {oh}
    Raeanna
    | Posted on 2006-05-05 00:00:00 | by bleedinbabygrl8 | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a really impressive start. You have a few grammatical errors but its really emotional and extremely powerful. I love the strong rhythm but I think sometimes you need to count the syllables in the line to keep the beat straight. Overall, I loved it!
    | Posted on 2006-03-30 00:00:00 | by secretsuperstar | [ Reply to This ]



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