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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: My Souldots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: vitoko
    ASL Info:    24/M
    Elite Ratio:    4.4 - 690/442/104
    Words: 161
    Class/Type: Prose/Longing
    Total Views: 777
    Average Vote:    3.5000
    Bytes: 1012



    Description:
       well i wrote this this morning .. well it is a bout a man .. that didnt get her lover eventhought she loved her.. but now he is dead and he loves her so his soul is with her


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMy Souldots
    -------------------------------------------


    The gull took me to your bed,
    where you moan my name
    to that innocent guy.
    You never thought that you could give
    your ephemeral caresses
    to someone that is not me.
    Now, I am flying to see your agony
    as you do not sleep between my arms.
    My death was your sentence to solitude.
    Why did you let me die
    without knowing your love
    for me
    even though you knew
    i loved you?.
    Now your love is rotting
    in your bloody hands.
    And you say good-bye to him
    with a cold hug,
    and then you lay down in your bed
    looking to the stars
    and wishing one of them were me,
    you say you love me.
    And me, my soul is sitting
    in your carpet saying
    "“even though you killed me with your lies, I still love you”"




    Submitted on 2006-03-30 17:23:59     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      This is very passionate and intense. It has meaning and depth that draws the reader into the story. The story is well writen but switching out some of the smaller words for more dramatics words would make a better impact. I think that you are a really good writer. Keep it up.
    Katie
    | Posted on 2006-12-02 00:00:00 | by Lover girl | [ Reply to This ]
      wow this was quite powerful piece. I like your uniques of writting. Most people write about original stuff but your work is very different. You know? I loved it. take care.
    -Christina aka miss POETRY
    | Posted on 2006-04-13 00:00:00 | by POETRY | [ Reply to This ]
      A beautiful piece, Victor! So sad, tragic even...but beautiful. (Reminds me of ever-so-many operas). Keep it up!
    | Posted on 2006-04-07 00:00:00 | by rememberplaydoh | [ Reply to This ]
      I really like your storyline here. This is a creative, emotional tale, one that is bound to be impressive. I think you can get a little more out of the language though.


    Poetry has its own set of rules and free form like this throws most of those away. That allows you to pick any word and I mean any word to better communicate with your readers. I think you can shed some of your little words here to get a more dramatic effect.

    For instance:

    You never thought that you could give
    your ephemeral caresses
    to someone that is not me.


    Distills down to

    You swore you could never caress another

    Then if you like you can add the dramatic stab:

    You swore you could never caress another
    in that special way you caressed me.


    The end result is about the same number of words, but we've made it denser and there's more there.


    First person poems can be tricky, but if you're going that way, use your extra power. As you tell the tale, you can narrate emotionally.

    Why did you let me die
    without knowing your love
    for me
    even though you knew
    i loved you?.


    Could be

    Why?
    Why did you let me die believing myself unloved?
    Now, here in this unfulfillable twilight,
    I know you loved me
    As you knew my love for you.
    Now your love is rotting
    in your bloody hands.


    The idea is to use every tool at your disposal to bring out that drama.

    I think I'd better go now. You've come with such a good theme that I think I'm having too much fun playing with it.



    Steve
    | Posted on 2006-04-03 00:00:00 | by Lost Sheep | [ Reply to This ]
      This is rather intense and so romantic, and it did indeed have a haunting feel to it. I trully enjoyed this. This was one of your better works, I must say. I loved the imagery and the flow. Free verse was perfect for this. I love the way you ended it proving she still thought of you and how you never left her side even after death. This was some great writing Victor!

    Maggie
    | Posted on 2006-04-03 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]
      This write does have a very haunting feel to it
    I like the idea and you definately captured the theme
    And By the way I of course do not judge you any different because of your religious beliefs
    My friend I am actually a little of all religion
    All I know is that it is a fact to me there is such a thing as God
    I have never once tried to convert anyone
    I am just trying to spread the Love A Peace Loving God has given me
    God Bless
    Ron
    | Posted on 2006-03-31 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      very mournful and haunting - I thought you did well on this piece with your wording and the flow - love so powerful but wraught in sorrow on different planes.
    good!
    love,peace,joy&smilez 2 share
    tif
    | Posted on 2006-03-31 00:00:00 | by Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      awww vic this is so beautiful, you've made yourself into such a powerful, intense writer. I'm not sure who this is for and I don't like to assume such things but I'm so sorry that you are hurt, you know that every time I hurt you I would go and cut? *is not something I would generally say outloud but it might make u happier* cuz u know I never deserved you and i prolly still don't. you've probably moved on and found someone else by now nyway right?
    peace
    | Posted on 2006-03-30 00:00:00 | by silent_death12 | [ Reply to This ]
      man this is sad... i don't really know what else to say, i thought it was going to be all seductive and sexy and it made me think bad things. Anyways thought the flow worked well, i could detect a rhyme scheme so hopefully i didn't just over look it ya know? Anyways gotta run love! Ciao for now, Amber
    | Posted on 2006-03-30 00:00:00 | by amber_in_wyomin | [ Reply to This ]
      This had a beautiful yet dark feeling behind the words, very much something that I enjoy. An impressive piece all around, raw and painful ... I loved it great job!
    | Posted on 2006-04-15 00:00:00 | by nox_angelus | [ Reply to This ]
      Very dark and intense. Your use of imagery in this was very good. You seem to love issues of lost love esspecially through the lost of such love by a tragic or sad circumstance.

    Keep up the good work victor and have a blessed and wonderful day.
    | Posted on 2006-04-03 00:00:00 | by Departed One | [ Reply to This ]


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