Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Homedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: lori_tab
    ASL Info:    27/f/alabama
    Elite Ratio:    4.33 - 1752/1517/481
    Words: 173
    Class/Type: Misc/Serious
    Total Views: 1041
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 929



    Description:
       In terms of feedback I am looking for honest observations. I guess how did this make you feel, did it remind you of anything, what does is mean to you? This is just really suppose to be a sad setting, a place that has almost died. Do you think of anything else that has almost died? Could this be a metaphor for anything else?


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsHomedots
    -------------------------------------------


    A silent morning passed by without knowing that it was there for the flowers to wake up. The flowers lived in a dilapitated house outside of the ageing town. They were covered in dust. Dust that lay at the foot of the bed waiting for someone to disturb it. Waiting for mellow feet to break each particle up and send them flying in the air so they could dance where the sun was peeking through the cracks in the shutters. Morning passed into day and the flowers dropped their heads. They yawned and waited with the dust for someone to diturb them. No one would walk through except a few field mice that scattered about looking for cheese so they could share it with mold and decay. In the corner of one room termites chewed through water soaked floors. Cats ran in and out of the gaping holes they left. After the morning left they could not convince her to come back. Darkness settled in the house and the flowers withered away.




    Submitted on 2006-03-31 12:13:18     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      i thought this was awesome. definately one of the best things i've read from you. the images were beautiful. and i think anyone can take the ideas presented here and relate it to their home and their lives. it is like a you put down some cans of paint on the floor for people to come in and paint whatever they want. very awesome indeed. be happy.

    peace, love, and big squeeshy hugs.
    | Posted on 2006-04-06 00:00:00 | by Solomon Disease | [ Reply to This ]
      This was a great peice Jaz. To me it seemed like you alluded to the flowers being human, and they had been abandoned. No one took care of them, or wanted to see them. I might be wrong I don't know. I especially liked the line,
    "Morning passed into day and the flowers dropped their heads. They yawned and waited with the dust for someone to diturb them."
    They seem so hopeful taht someone will come, it's sort of sad really. Anyway it was very good.
    Keep writing.
    | Posted on 2006-04-05 00:00:00 | by Draigon | [ Reply to This ]
      I can't say this makes me sad, and overall I have trouble connecting it with anything, it gets close, but then just doesn't work.

    The flowers are stuck at this house, and they are waiting for the morning to come see them again? Metaphorically, the flowers are someone/something who has been waiting for quite some time for someone/something else to come along. That's why the dust has gathered, remaining settled, and the house is falling apart.

    I can see the image of the field mice rustling through the grass and passing the flowers in search of food. The food, mostly untouched. Goes along with the rest of the stuff, since everything else seems completely abandoned.

    Of course, amongst the whole abandonment theme, there's also the bit with life continuing despite the troubles of others. The mice continue on their quest for food, the termites continue their eating, cats come in and out doing whatever it is cats do. And the flowers and dust continue to wait for something that will never come back, "After the morning left they could not convince her to come back."

    Really, to me, this feels more like an opening to a much larger story. Or an opening scene for a play...
    I just didn't get much out of this emotionally. More of a vague picture that could use something more, and I'm just not sure what.
    I know the wording could be better, "A silent morning passed by without knowing that it was there for the flowers to wake up." While one can gather an idea of what this is supposed to mean after a few goes at the sentence, it's structure just makes it tough to completely get it on a first go. That can be a good thing, but a very bad thing if a person just gives up on trying to figure the sentence out. The main part that bothers me is, "without knowing it was there for the flowers to wake up." Was it there so the flowers would wake it up? That's how the sentence structure makes it seem. "A silent morning passed by without knowing that it was there to wake the flowers." Would work, or however you want to change it to make a bit more sense.

    The third and fourth sentences seem like they could be combined. Also, the fifth sentence could probably be combined with the thrid and fourth, as it seems to be a sentence without an object. These past two sentences I have written could be combined.

    I really liked the last sentence though, it is my favorite.
    | Posted on 2006-04-02 00:00:00 | by Sir Jimeth | [ Reply to This ]
      It makes me think of the house...It makes me so sad to go in there now, and see how it's gone to decay and filth...Some of my best memories are in that place...When we went down there yesterday, I just thought...I kind of feel like this house now...All the good was stolen or taken away...and all that's left is a shell of the good that used to be...I like the flowers too...Very pretty
    | Posted on 2006-03-31 00:00:00 | by Raivn | [ Reply to This ]
      It makes me think of the house...It makes me so sad to go in there now, and see how it's gone to decay and filth...Some of my best memories are in that place...When we went down there yesterday, I just thought...I kind of feel like this house now...All the good was stolen or taken away...and all that's left is a shell of the good that used to be...I like the flowers too...Very pretty
    | Posted on 2006-03-31 00:00:00 | by Raivn | [ Reply to This ]
      This was very sad. I liked how you personified the flowers, made them almost human, with human hopes of the sun coming back and someone coming to shake the dust from them. It was so sad when the sun decided to just stop coming and leave the poor flowers in the dark to die. Great job, this made me sad...thats a good thing:)
    | Posted on 2006-03-31 00:00:00 | by Glassy Eyed | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    97210

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    In a Corner written by jeniecel
    Mystery Read written by kyserin
    Verse: written by Daniel Barlow
    None the Wiser written by endlessgame23
    Honeymoon written by TheStillSilence
    going,,,"Skin." written by teika5
    Loop-di-Loop written by endlessgame23
    a leaf of shadow and edge written by Daniel Barlow
    Starseed written by endlessgame23
    Twin Intercept written by Daniel Barlow
    Things They (Don't) Say written by TheStillSilence
    FamiliarDemons ©™ written by kyserin
    Coversheets written by TheStillSilence
    Relentless. The Visceral Fracture. written by Daniel Barlow
    Compartments written by TheStillSilence
    Night- time written by Daniel Barlow
    (Untitled Song) written by TeslaKoyal
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    To the Artist written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth written by endlessgame23
    The World written by jjd
    Day 6 written by TheStillSilence
    Beauty Rest written by jackz
    Deep written by Janesaddiction
    Adoration written by TheStillSilence
    Sword in the Water written by Wolfwatching
    Florida's Autumn Solstice written by closetpoet
    // Seasonal Song written by ShadowParadox
    Not the Devil, but the Wind written by endlessgame23
    The Want written by Daniel Barlow

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry