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    dots Submission Name: The Bell of Immortalitydots

    Author: shoggoth
    ASL Info:    24/m/croatia
    Elite Ratio:    4.74 - 80/84/30
    Words: 123
    Class/Type: Poetry/Vampire
    Total Views: 1010
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 811

       a vampire-poem I wrote some time ago ..

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Bell of Immortalitydots

    Some will show their simpathy and some will let their laughter
    An erotic bite out of spite writes the starting chapter...

    The finest wine now seems as mud
    After tasting human blood
    Lustful drops caress her tongue
    The Bell Of Immortality Has Rung

    Doomed to tremble near the light
    Sowing horror through the night
    Mortals bow before her will
    A choice to make - recruit or kill

    And so the sand glass turns to stone
    As mortals decay to the bone
    Her skin still gritty, soft and pale
    Preserved to write this neverending tale

    As she dives into the gloom
    The potent gift transforms to doom
    Where the spirit once stood tall
    Now linger shadows, enshrouding it all

    Submitted on 2006-03-31 15:51:13     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Since everyone else is working on theme, I'll make notes on the form.

    It seems like you were going for rhyme and rhythm here, but your major success on the former made the latter suffer. Lines would suddenly add syllables unnecessary and would jar the reader from the established rhythm.

    This is the scheme I heard:


    which is very confusing, because the piece - due to rhyme - feels like it wants to have discernable rhythm but stops.

    Some alternate word choice that would help:
    in the line "Preserved...", cutting 'Neverending' to simply 'endless' would cut that line's length to 8 beats, making it the same as the rest of its verse, while also focusing the reader to the core of the word instead of bogging down.

    In the final verse, removing the 'it' near the end gives the line more power, and brings it closer to the rest of the stanza's rhythm; you could even make it simply 'shrouding all', and it would equal the rest and have a nice bit of alliteration with 'shadows'.

    My suggestion would be to figure out which form you would prefer - like 7/8/7/8, or 8/8/8/8, etc - and making the rest of the poem conform.
    I do like the introducing elongated couplet.
    | Posted on 2006-05-14 00:00:00 | by secretpoet | [ Reply to This ]
      I don't get what everyones big obsession with a 'perfect format' is I didn't see a problem with this format.....it didn't seem overdramatic and it didn't seem emotionless so it didn't ruin the write. *gasps* damn ron for saying he doesn't believe in vamps -.- lol. OK seriously though I really liked this, there was some kick ass imagry and meaning to back it up and some of the lines were just ok but some of them were amazing,
    "An erotic bite out of spite writes the starting chapter..."
    that just makes such a perfect starting sense for the reader...like a narration.
    "A choice to make - recruit or kill"
    wording wise it wasn't overly elaborate but almost none of the vamp writes that I have read mention the fact that every time it is a choice, even if they decide it before they even see the person.
    "The potent gift transforms to doom"
    I really wish I had thought of that, it's so perfect how you made two seemingly contradicting points when describing the gift as potent. so overall awesome writes, it had a really bleak feel to it that made my mind go into this almost comatose mind set.
    | Posted on 2006-07-15 00:00:00 | by silent_death12 | [ Reply to This ]
      Hmmm... found your theme rather interesting and was expecting a bit cliché piece of work yet I found this strangely unique in its own right. Your rhythm, rhyme and flow were fairly good and I commend for that. Your use of imagery was also very good and I also liked that, for I was able to get vivid images in my head as I read this.

    Keep up the good work and have blessed day.
    | Posted on 2006-03-31 00:00:00 | by Departed One | [ Reply to This ]
      The finest wine now seems as mud
    After tasting human blood

    A choice to make - recruit or kill

    Man, those were great lines.
    Kind of give off a hint of how lonely being an immortal can be towards the end there. Having to pick who to choose to be immortal and who to choose just to devour. This is one of the best vampire writes I have ever read on here.
    Good job.
    | Posted on 2006-03-31 00:00:00 | by hyproglo | [ Reply to This ]
      My Friend though I dont believe in Vampires per se
    I do want you to know you really wrote this well
    I had deep visions reading this and you stuck to theme perfectly
    This is a very good write
    God Bless

    Please if you get a chance Please take a look at some of my writes and let me know what you think
    Thank You
    | Posted on 2006-03-31 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      I agree with all that secretpoet said, form-wise.

    The introducting rhyme impressed me as well . . . ever heard of an Epigram? I think you would be good at those.

    The last stanza gave me chills - it's just so close to the theme of my manuscript "Shadow of an Amazon" that I would swear there was some kind of divine inspiration, lol. That's what kind of captured my attention, to tell you the truth - there's a lot of vampire poetry on ES, but not many are written as eloquently as you have written this one. It's gracefully done, especially considering how easily a vampire poem can get cliché or over-dramatic.

    On the other hand, it seems to promise more than it delivers. I would not suggesti changing anything, persay . . . I would almost suggest following up with a series of poems . . . but I know that is much easier said than done, lol.

    lmao, if I don't stop this you'll think I'm some kind of stalker, hehe . . . *suddenly is reminded to clean out my stalk list because it is full*
    | Posted on 2006-07-14 00:00:00 | by Starless Knight | [ Reply to This ]

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