Description: there's really nothing to see now is there?
a little shading for my memory -------------------------------------------
all the walls i built
they crumble all before me
concrete mixed in guilt
even when i'm so adoring
today i slit my wrists
with the shards of glass
from my broken heart
no more smiles left to miss
no more smiles that can't last
no more beautified scars
i'm bleeding on my white rug
all the purity is stained with confusion
i'm dead inside the thought of love
it was all such a beautiful delusion
in the background i hear
children dying
mothers crying
i'm so lost in imagination
this reflection was so clear
i'm just lying
i'm just dying
this depression is just fear
i'm so done with desperation
here in my castle
i'm so broken
don't you tell me
it's so easy
to smile
just because
it's easy
for you
"all the walls i built they crumble all before me" Possibly take out the "all" in the second line? Maybe it's just me, but with the first one, it seems a bit repetative.
"concrete mixed in guilt" i REALLY like this line. The only thing might be to change around the wording. Depending on what you mean to imply to the reader. The way it reads now makes it seem that it was mixed IN guilt - like guilt is a container. This is fine if that's what you mean, but when i read it, i think you meant that it was mixed together with the guilt, in which case i have a possible suggestion - "concrete mixed with guilt"
"with the shards of glass from my broken heart" this is good, too. once again, though the wording could use a bit of adjustment. perhaps "with the shards of my broken heart" or "with the shards of my broken heart"? "Shards is a good choice of word. It is harsh and rough and helps put more emotion into it than saying "pieces" or something like that.
"beautified scars" is a nice use of an oxymoron.
Stanzas two and three both end with "beautiful blank". A bit distracting, but not bad.
"don't you tell me it's so easy to smile just because it's easy for you" is a wonderful way to end it. You are talking about all your pain through the whole thing, then you pull this out at the end - that the other person is not feeling the same.
Don't be offended by my anal-retentive english studies - it is offered only as constructive criticism.
The feeling is there, but could be stronger.
Don't take this poem and rewrite it based on what me or anyone else says & let it turn into a work that is more someone else's work than yours. use comments only as a helper, not as gospel.
you have talent, despite your name. lol. just think about your choice of wording. you have good choices for powerful words, just maybe the arrangement of those words?
Submission Name: a little shading for my memory
