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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Now do it!dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: vitoko
    ASL Info:    24/M
    Elite Ratio:    4.4 - 690/442/104
    Words: 87
    Class/Type: Prose/Death
    Total Views: 894
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 564



    Description:
       well i didnt write this for any special woman or something .. well yesterday i was reading torimbaud and well this came out frim reading him.. i hope you enjoy it .
    well and i want to say that i am heppy
    i love you jessie


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsNow do it!dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Your sweating hands
    just rend my skin,
    which covers my wounded soul.
    Now, embalm me
    with your lust and loathing for me.
    That is what you have
    in your nauseous mind.
    Drag me through
    the thorns of black roses.
    Look at my suffering,
    which raises your rotten ego.
    Your tears are like acid,
    which burns my weak bowels.
    Once for all, destroy me
    to be a futile remain
    in your desires for glory.
    And then, burry me next to
    your lovers`gravestones.




    Submitted on 2006-04-01 09:48:33     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      sweat dude this cool it got flow but hey i wouldn't campare too love or yourself too much kinda creepy but hey it's cool - poeapprentice
    | Posted on 2006-04-08 00:00:00 | by poeapprentice | [ Reply to This ]
      I love your words...your vocabulary is outstanding. i think that this is really well done and obviously about your love for Jessie..and longing for a relationship.
    good job.
    xoxo
    me
    p.s. come and check out mine.
    | Posted on 2006-04-06 00:00:00 | by 2Numb | [ Reply to This ]
      I like it! I think it's great, although I'm not sure if the word "ego" exactly fits into the rest of the poem,but hey that's just me. I don't really write, so I wouldn't know. But I like how descriptive it is.
    | Posted on 2006-04-05 00:00:00 | by AllyKatR | [ Reply to This ]
      i really liked it i think it was great and thanks for the comment on mine and i think that you have great skill
    | Posted on 2006-04-05 00:00:00 | by robbie | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey Victor. Thanks for the invitation. I am glad that I could make it. This is a very touching write, but I think that you should be putting this under the love category. I also feel that some of the descriptions you used were completely different from the ones you started out with. I am not sure if that is a good thing, but I didn't fancy it too much. It did create some interesting imagery though, so I am not completely against it But a good write on the whole,
    Thanks for sharing
    Abbas
    | Posted on 2006-04-04 00:00:00 | by abuzzbuzz92 | [ Reply to This ]
      hey victor!

    what came to my mind when reading this was a beautiful zombie-corpse comming back from death to haunt your dreams and every thought!

    a zombie-queen who lures you with drunkened lust to her grave to join with the rest of her lovers. awsome write!

    sarah.
    | Posted on 2006-04-03 00:00:00 | by vohomegirl | [ Reply to This ]
      this is so twisted! i love it! what else can i say beyond, 'love hurts'? though i'm not entirely sure it's supposed to be that painful. made me cringe a bit.
    you've got quite a gift for imagery and you've nicely made use of that gift. this is a very real piece even if a little gruesome
    thanks for sharing this with the rest of us... keep writing and let me know if there's anything else you really like that i might want to read!

    -jess
    | Posted on 2006-04-03 00:00:00 | by wildchild | [ Reply to This ]
      This was dark and deep.
    I like, I like...
    I also would like to take this moment to say that your way with words is improving...
    Wonderful vitoko.

    Swanne
    | Posted on 2006-04-03 00:00:00 | by Swanne | [ Reply to This ]
      Chilling, the way you wrote this. You descriptions created vivid images as I read this and the thought of such things happening
    to a individual is simply chilling.

    Nevertheless a nice write, keep up the good work and have a blessed and wonderful day.
    | Posted on 2006-04-03 00:00:00 | by Departed One | [ Reply to This ]
      Look at my suffering,
    which raises your rotten ego

    HA! Now that was good. Dunno...this reminds me of someone who was just "a notch on someones headboard", ya know? Probably because of the ending. This one has the vibe of suffering and there is nothing you can do about it for some reason...and I get the reason to this one is because of a lust of some sort. Anyway, just my thoughts.
    | Posted on 2006-04-03 00:00:00 | by hyproglo | [ Reply to This ]
      Victor, again you did well. Your metaphors were very good. The iagery very good, and the flow...very good. I think it was dark and twisited, depicting how toxic this relationship is. I do agree with Amber, I encourage you to branch out and try other topics besides love gone worng. You are talented, and I see this. I would love to see how you use your gift to describe other things besides love that hurts. Overall, this was very good. I'm proud of you.

    Maggie
    | Posted on 2006-04-03 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]
      I like how you described this hateful relationship. The images that you give off are disturbingly violent, and to me that makes it all the better. Your metaphors are very interesting too.

    Now, embalm me
    with your lust and loathing for me.
    That is what you have
    in your nauseous mind.
    Drag me through
    the thorns of black roses.
    Look at my suffering,
    which raises your rotten ego.

    I like this because it shows anger, and this is where it seemingly begins to show. I also noticed that your whole piece seems to be going between anger, love, and imploring for the "crimes" that will be commited against you. Very well done. Thanks too for the comment on 'Dance Away'. Keep writing.
    | Posted on 2006-04-03 00:00:00 | by BrokenAngel | [ Reply to This ]
      so i do like this piece, the description went well and all but i really think you should write on something different i feel like your writing the same thing over and over with different words. Don't get me wrong this piece flows well and everything but i would like to see something different from you. there my only critic.. talk to you soon love! Ciao for now, Amber
    | Posted on 2006-04-01 00:00:00 | by amber_in_wyomin | [ Reply to This ]
      this was extremely well written vic. for one thing your imagry was perfect and there was an almost twisted sense of emotion intertwined along with it. the only things I might suggest to touch up on are the flow and make it a bit longer but then again there's a such thing as too much of a good thing so I thought over all this was a great write!
    peace and love.
    | Posted on 2006-04-01 00:00:00 | by silent_death12 | [ Reply to This ]
      This one my Friend is really well done
    I like the idea of writing about the pain one feels in trying to better their soulmate
    That pain is very real and sometimes as in this case fatal
    I Loved this!!
    Great write
    God Bless
    Ron
    | Posted on 2006-04-01 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked this piece a lot!..the beginning would have to my favorite part...the entire poem seeped of pain and maybe resent, i guess..i can't really put my feelings into words right now, so pardon me, i'm sorta lost today..were all lost at some point..anyhows, i thought this was an AWSOME right!..and glad to now that your happy! keep up the great work!

    -Lucy-
    | Posted on 2006-04-01 00:00:00 | by rainbowXrazors | [ Reply to This ]


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