Description: i know it is a tedious subject, but i thought I'd give it the old try...nit oicking details and if you get a good sense of the history of the place making up so much of its present day mystique, it is actually a pretty run down and dirty place.
San Francisco -------------------------------------------
something more than the post card views
of the famous bridge of china town
of cable cars of winding streets
of fishermans wharf of the barbary coast
of beatnik cafes and the summer of love
of golden gate park of the strip joints neon flash
of the missions trail of the mexican war
something more calls the traveller
to keep returning here
the stranger sampling all is made aware
of an insistent enervation affecting mood
through hectic cars blurred crowds push
there is a newness an urgent surge
adding energy to the wheel of thought
giving wider compass to its revolution
a radical cry an exuberant shout
a certain vitality a song bursting free
that escapes and echoes frantically
rebounding against victorian tenements
layered hillside slums bay view villas
and towering financial battlements
high glassy cliffs slice through
the lifting streaks of fog
encouraged by some spirit passing
will at sunrise sometimes reflect
ghostly heaps of blackened rubble
that once lay scattered
where now the pigeons feed
illusion weaves into the freeways traffic chant
echoes of buffeted canvas sails
blown taut above listing tar stained hulls
below the wooden masts
sleeping vessels creak and moan
now lost in dreams forever
left to rot when their riotous sailors
spilled into the glittering mother lode
building a drunken babylon
that collapsed and burned
in a splendid raging conflagration
looking down today from any rocky hill
into such busy confidence behold
how serenely placed between clouds and sky
and a glittering grey-green sea
this city holds its heart
high aloft like a signal flare
marking the end of a seekers quest
promising even a turbulent outcast
a quiet shelter from restless schemes
somewhere in the plunging quilt of streets
love is found life exchanged faith renewed
lies told bodies fall and hands reach out
like quicksilver sinking into fissures
tantalizing expectations bleed away
leaving a lightning bolts path in memory
here love is an old desperate need
a fairy tale dream a dizzying belief
and on the streets every smile seeks
reassurance that everything still remains
and in darkened tenement rooms
under ceilings cracked and aged
every kiss tries to reunite the lost
who will forever search for peace
and above beneath and around it all
the slumbering earth wraps a hand
loosely around time itself
throwing every minute
into an overburdened eternity
because the next second
might really be the last
the sun the fog and the sidewalks
merge into a milky twilight haze
and this city awaits tomorrow
for contributions offerings
embellishments of the myth
at night the moon still brushes
the skyline with silver light
the power here is graceful
brooding in the alleyways
brazen where civilizations
spill together and blend
like a thousand cans of paint
thrown suddenly to the floor
and those who are chasing after beauty
believe it still can be found
blooming amid this city
whose grandeur is vapor
whose souls refuse to grieve
and somehow cling to good
Hi there, You are really devoted to Cali. This is good, I love pieces like this. I call them "add 'em ons".lol! Why? Because there really is no end. You can actully keep adding sentence after sentence and continue describing the subject. I love it! Take care, wanda
I could imagine this being read in one of those beatnik cafes it has that kind of energy one associates with the beats. I love the flow. It has such energy. You grabbed my attention from that first line of ‘something more than the post card views’ and paint a picture of a city that brings it alive and recalls its history too even if it is a 'pretty run down and dirty place.' The catalogues of disparate buildings and vehicles like the cable cars of winding streets and sleeping vessels that creak and moan in dreams of riotous sailors. It is a feast for the senses, one can hear song bursting free to escape and echo against victorian tenements and ‘layered hillside slums’ and one can see the glass curtained architecture of towering financial battlements as high glassy cliffs Albeit, I imagine that you intended leaving a gap between ‘morecalls’ and you have three t’s in scattered but only one ‘l’ in traveller plus you have an added ‘d’ in pigeons and desperate in misspelled. These are minor nit-picking details, whereas, this is definitely amongst my favourites of your poems. hugs nessie
That was amazing. Truly great imagery. I liked one bit especially:
and above beneath and around it all the slumbering earth wraps a hand loosely around time itself throwing every minute into an overburdened eternity because the next second might really be the last
The idea that earth can control time (in the view of the people, since that is all they know), and the people realize that any minute could be their last (and not only souly theirs, but everyone else's as well). I think that's everywhere, and you have captured the people from San Fran especially well.
You're descriptions of not only the places, landmarks, and stores, but of the people. And I quite disagree with Amber, I think these lines:
the sun the fog and the sidewalks merge into a milky twilight haze and this city awaits tomorrow
especially added some mystique to your poem. I love the imagery, it really makes me wonder why I try to write poetry (as someone once said to me). As for the punctuation, I think it's best that you didn't put any. It has a natural flow, almost as if you know where there is a comma or period. And sometimes, parts flow into another invisible verse, and it could be interpreted two different ways, and maybe that's what you're going for.
I definitely like that you 'scrambled' all of your stanzas together and gave to guidance to the reader--it made it more free. It's experimental and I'm glad someone took a risk of not doing a traditional piece. That's creative.
Okay, that was kind of long, but I really enjoyed it and oddly, I have no critique. It's not that it's perfect, it could be improved I"m sure, I'm just not the one to tell you how.
Well you most definetely had so much imagery and description here, it almost takes away from the rest of the piece. Like i would read and get entangled in all the describing words, that i completely lost my train of thought of where the piece was headed. So after reading this a few times over and over trying to get a good feel for the piece i think it could be calmed down a bit. Its not the i don't think your descriptions are bad or anything it just gets to be a little to much at certain parts of this poem
the sun the fog and the sidewalks merge into a milky twilight haze and this city awaits tomorrow
Those three lines are the ones that seemed to give me the most trouble, other then that though i think this peice went very well considering there were no commas.... and well i liked it better that way too! Well hope i wasn't to harsh on this one. Ciao for now, Amber
Well I have to say you really captured the essence of San Francisco. I've been there quite a few times(Last year was the last time) and it is a very unique place. I actually just posted something about the bridge in SF on my journal so finding your poem fits exactly in with my current state of mind. You have a style of tell it like it is and you tell it so eloquently. I enjoyed this one a lot. Great Job