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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: You Aredots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: andrya
    Elite Ratio:    4.87 - 508/419/62
    Words: 141
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 1168
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 906



    Description:
       Thanks to Edthepoet for the help in editing!


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsYou Aredots
    -------------------------------------------


    You are the stars when the sun shines,
    and the light when it's night time,
    The breeze when the humid summer air
    surrounds and drowns me.
    The quiet desperation in a carefully contemplated sympathy speech,
    which somehow, remains politically detached from the voice who whispers it.
    You are the ripples on a clear lake surface,
    and the waves in an ocean, which reach their glassy bodies on the crystal sand, and as quickly as they come,
    roll away with an unfailing, endless murmur.
    You are the unfinished words of the silent poem, and the incomplete painting of what was once crafted with an absolute, unadulterated outlook on life.
    From this captivating rendering of you, I recall the hunger to experience the simple, the modest, the plain, and embrace the beauty of experience.
    Because, my beloved,
    you are.




    Submitted on 2006-04-01 23:16:30     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      Your poem speaks greatly on how you see the little things inside the person you love, which is what real love is truly about. The poem flows greatly until this point: Recall a hunger that you make me feel,
    to experience the simple, the modest, the plain, and embrace the beauty of experience.
    Because, my beloved,
    you are. because there's no real lead into it, the words need to be added before this or change a word or two to make it smoother.

    For example: From these captivating rendering of you, I recall the hunger to experience the simple, the modest, the plain, and embrace the beauty of experience.
    Because, my beloved,
    you are.

    Very good write
    | Posted on 2006-04-06 00:00:00 | by edthepoet | [ Reply to This ]
      This was some powerful wording! It read close to a sonnet, but more of a prose. I think that your imagery was excellent. The flow was good, and easy, like the breeze you spoke of. I think that by using objects that the reader can easily visualize, we get the depht of how much this persons mean to the poet. In other words you were saying is that this person is the start and completion to anything in life. And they are everything. Very good work.

    Maggie
    | Posted on 2006-04-03 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]
      Great images...

    I think poetry needs more of this.

    A delightful glimpse in pictures and feeling that wash over the reader and then lift them to be carried away on its wave.


    You are the unfinished words of the silent poet, and the incomplete painting of what was once painted with an absolute, unadultered outlook on life.

    How would it work with poem in place of poet? Most of the images are of inanimate objects. It might be more consistent. No need to change it, just thinking.

    Also should it be unadulterated
    nice job

    Chrystine
    | Posted on 2006-04-02 00:00:00 | by beatthedrum | [ Reply to This ]
      The writer gave the reader the impression of an artist painting on a blank canvas. The colorful splashes of description gave warmth and depth to the subject she brought to life through her mind's eye to the gallery, in love.

    The landscape could hardly hold the image she created, it was so brilliant.

    This poem shined with adoration and intimacy.
    | Posted on 2006-04-02 00:00:00 | by The Gadfly | [ Reply to This ]
      I like this piece, the words you used to describe what you were feeling were just incredible. I love the part about being drowned by the breeze. It fit so well and flowed perfectly. The only thing that was sort of choppy was the line about sympathy speech that part kind of left me in a tongue tie but i still liked it. Well hope to hear from you soon and thanks for submitting this one it was very beautiful. Ciao for now. amber
    | Posted on 2006-04-02 00:00:00 | by amber_in_wyomin | [ Reply to This ]
      Oh wow, such imagery and descriptive vocabulary. I like it alot, but at the start
    i dont really get what you are saying you said:
    You are the stars when the sun shines,
    and the light when it's night time,


    Did u mean

    You are the light when the sun shines,
    and the stars when it's night time,

    ??

    just a question

    anyways

    I don't think i have ever read anything by you so i will look out for anything else u write and be sure to read it

    Peace Out

    Me xx
    | Posted on 2006-04-01 00:00:00 | by MysterydarkPoet | [ Reply to This ]
      Beauitifu. I like this alot.. the imagery, the metaphores, the aliiteratin all make this a beautiful love poem.
    I would suggest chaging th eformat a little bit. Shorten the lines so they stand better on their own,.. and after clear lake, I do n't know if you need surafce.. where else would the ripples be?
    well hope to read more of your stuff
    | Posted on 2006-04-20 00:00:00 | by mimi | [ Reply to This ]


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    97436

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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