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Author: sudie
ASL Info:    18/ f / virginia
Elite Ratio:    4.33 - 182 /195 /51
Words: 32
Class/Type: Misc /Misc
Total Views: 882
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 273


this poem was derived from a picture..wish i had a copy to post with it


Softly freckled
futile girl.
Patting mother
pads the fury.

Sullen smock from
dirty linen
hides the scars
of heckled child.

Dankly dirtied
porcelain doll
lays on legs
of little one.

Submitted on 2006-04-02 11:44:43     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  so it was a picture? Well, if it was a picture you were going off of then I really like this. And since you said it was a picture, then i really like this.

I like the minimalistic writing style. It would've been easier to connect if I had seen the picture, but since you can't do that...oh well.

I think if you're describing something someone can already see it's fine to be somewhat non-descriptive. It's your interpretation of the picture. Anyway, I liked this.
| Posted on 2006-04-27 00:00:00 | by gargleafg | [ Reply to This ]
  I think you failed to express most of what you wanted to by keeping this minimalistic.

"Patting mother
pads the fury."

Those were pretty good lines, I'd suggest changing the first 2 lines and the last stanza for this poem to work.
| Posted on 2006-04-02 00:00:00 | by machine dream | [ Reply to This ]
  Hmm, I wish you had the picture to post, because in all honesty, I'm very confused.

"Softly freckled
futile girl.
Patting mother
pads the fury."

Why is the girl futile? What is she doing in the picture that makes you come to this conclusion? Is her mother patting her to calm her down?

"Sullen smock from
dirty linen
hides the scars
of heckled child."

OK, this gives a little more to go on. Now to determine whether or not this stanza is saying that the child is being abused. That is the implication I get from this.

"Dankly dirtied
porcelain doll
lays on legs
of little one."

I honestly don't get this stanza at all. The last two lines just don't make sense to me. Did you mean maybe "porcelain doll legs lay on the little one" or something along those lines, because the way it is written is confusing. And how can the legs be porcelain if in the previous stanza you mentioned the child having scars? I would like to read this again should you revise it, and if you could find the picture post it and maybe it would help to make some sense of the poem.


| Posted on 2006-04-02 00:00:00 | by Phoenix2004 | [ Reply to This ]

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