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Invisible


Author: Pietro
ASL Info:    30/m/cebu
Elite Ratio:    8 - 302 /177 /37
Words: 78
Class/Type: Poetry /
Total Views: 1563
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 540



Description:


hmm, beauty is a universal theme, and wholly a visual one. interestingly, i originally posted this elsewhere, colored the text white to blend in the background, indeed, one had to highlight it to be read.

*thank you to charmedidentity and bitterlilly for their sharp eyes on the tehcnical aspects.


Invisible



What if I were to be blinded,
and would only perceive beauty
of the olfactory?

What then of your invisible side
that I chase-
and hug the air
to feel your beautiful waft?

Sighs become my exaltations,
and I would grope
to feel phantoms,
and pursue the scents of shadows-
so I can gaze upon
your beauty once more.

Hungry
I take it in;
a gustatory rumble.






Submitted on 2006-04-03 14:38:22     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  beauty is to be absorbed by the senses...it is something we taste, touch , feel, see and smell...not something we put up on a wall to gape upon...

it deeper than we often go..surface beauty is not what counts...

this is nicely structured, in content and visually appealling...

jacob
| Posted on 2011-07-23 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]
  As usual, you know and use your words well... I see no reason to nitpick on this one, except that I like nitpicking, so I'll mention at least that I am quite on the fence about the word olfactory. Sometimes I read it and it's quite perfect and other times it just doesn't work. At all.

My main complaint is that there's no imagery. Well, there is imagery, but this poem doesn't want imagery, so that's the problem. It wants smell-ery.... what does this beautiful person smell like? Normally when we go on ad nauseum about how visually beautiful a person is, we compare them to other things, we describe them, we talk about how ugly everything else is in comparison.... and here you are talking about replacing the visual with the olfactory but you do none of that. Maybe try? Again, I really like this poem as is, and I don't think it should be any longer---succint, sweet and to the point is good---but it might give you an idea of which parts want to be tweaked.

Oh, and the "i" in the second line of the second stanza should be capitalized.

--Jasmine
| Posted on 2006-04-04 00:00:00 | by bitterlily | [ Reply to This ]
  hey thats pretty clever what you put in your description...having to highlight it to read it...however, i wouldn't have realized i needed to do so and would have left some smarty pants comment on a blank post lol.

it is sad to know that the standards of today are only skin deep. the most beautiful person in the world isn't always the curvy blond with 10 tons of makeup on.

anyway, very nice job on this...and i actually like the formatting here. it just looks visually pleasing, which is kinda funny, because this is about invisibility lol..
| Posted on 2006-04-03 00:00:00 | by MmR | [ Reply to This ]
  I like the way you describe how senses play a BIG part of emotions. You put in some great descriptives and great wording. I almost envy what emotion you put into play here ... showing that beauty is more than skin deep but that it isn't blind; or at least I that's what I thought when I read it. Great piece!
| Posted on 2006-04-03 00:00:00 | by lmen | [ Reply to This ]
  This is well put. I enjoyed the idea of the senses in terms of beauty. How would you know what beauty really is if one of your senses especially the sight would be gone? Many people can describe beauty in terms of the outer layer but they can only think it to be beauty once they see it.

Many people argue that beauty comes from the inside but how many people who are beautiful inside are feeling less worthless because they are not as beautiful outside as they are inside. I think more people should be blind to really understand beauty because no matter what they may believe, they always fall for the trick of outer beauty.

You.ve said it wonderfully clear and the imagery are amazing. I think the following sentences are beautiful. I enjoy these the most from the entire poem:

and I would grope
to feel phantoms,
and pursue the scents of shadows-
so I can gaze upon
your beauty once more.

The use of other senses to know what beauty is. That's really a great idea.

Although i did enjoy your ideas very much, i found your structure a bit disturbing. I really don't get the structure behind this piece. To me, that was the only thing that discouraged me to read on. I also found that these ideas could have been expanded and that you could of created a story behind it instead of vaguely trying to create a story but not really being sure as to what it truly is. and you've made a slight spelling error with "exhaltations".

Still it was wonderfully thought and I am glad that you were able to write this.

Take care.....
Irina
| Posted on 2006-04-03 00:00:00 | by charmedidentity | [ Reply to This ]
  truly, i'm sure half the world would not know how to identify beauty if they were deprived of sight. I really don't know what to say here. Very creative piece you've made. It's a shame you can't do the same here as you did wherever else you posted it.

Mari
| Posted on 2006-04-03 00:00:00 | by Mariqueri | [ Reply to This ]
  this.
is pretty amazing.
i love the concept - beauty through smell. people are always like, "it's what's inside that counts," yet they probably judge beauty through sight as well. so to come up with the idea of beautiful scents and to express it so well is pretty cool in my book. i guess this is what perfumemakers try to do.

i just have to say "to feel your beautiful waft?" doesn't really work for me - first, you switch senses to feel and also, waft doesn't really work in this context. also, maybe you could find other words for beauty, and provide more specific examples, like the smell of your hair or something.

"Hungry
I take it in;
a gustatory rumble." is nice and powerful; it could almost be a minimalist poem by itself.

i think it would be nice if you also incorporated an element of sound in this, too. music, too me, is beautiful, and that's why it's so important to me. i think that would be interesting.

i like the "imagery" without images, hah, which is kind of hard to explain. but anyway, faved.

hmm, beauty is in the nose of the beholder?
| Posted on 2006-08-21 00:00:00 | by explosions | [ Reply to This ]


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