“Jesus, Lars, stop looking in the water and help me find some food!” Jimmy was always tense and had to keep everything on schedule. This angered Lars. He just stared deeper into the stream and grew proud that he was able to stay strong, while Jimmy grew weak and feeble. Jimmy had yet to learn the secret of survival, and Lars was never going to tell. Jimmy kept yelling, but Lars tuned him out, and stared deeper into the river….
Ever since the wreck, I have tasted death more than the others, but I have yet to die.
Most of them thought we were all brothers; bound by the journey that brought us here.
They all seemed to be bound by what they had witnessed. They counted the days on the shale.
Lines were etched in with their knives. Counting the time; the days, the months, and death.
I have learned time is death here. There are wrong times, and right times, wrong times and right times, to do things, and every time, regardless of the time; time did not mean a thing.
Time is an escape. Time means nothing when time stands still. Forever. Eternity.
Their knives etched into the shale. Counting the time, wasting time, killing time.
Time is on my side, yes it is. It has been seventeen months and all this time I still can’t get that freaking song out of my head!
I have found the best way to kill time, is to do just that. Kill time. Kill time is my favorite time.
I think it is almost kill time.
The remains of the last time are running out. This will be the last time.
Well, maybe not. I still have my time. I could go piece by piece until I no longer feared time.
I don’t need to worry about that anyway. I still have time. I’ll save that for another time.
This time will be the best. My knife counts time. My knife kills time. Gone forever. Eternity.
Time seventeen. I can’t wait. The rush of time!
Get ready Lars. It is your time. This is your last time, besides your time.
“Jimmy,” whispered Lars, “It’s time.”
“Time for what,” quivered Jimmy.
Time stood still. Time stood still. Time was erased. Time was hungry.
“Time to eat.”
| Don, I like the eerieness of this piece... the character of Lars is rather fascinating and your use of the vagueries of language are well used. As far as story goes, though, I find it hard to believe that a character as weak as Jimmy is the last one with Lars. That he hasn't figured out what happened to the others.. that none of the others figured it out before being killed to be eaten. I'd like to see some interaction, I guess, between the two besides the disdain Lars feels for Jimmy.|
That being said, I don't think it can be changed or the whole feel of the piece will be destroyed and the feel is really what you're going for here.
Sorry I haven't responded to you sooner, but critiquing stories has never been something I've been good at.
|| Posted on 2006-04-22 00:00:00 | by DavidHirt | [ Reply to This ] |