This site will self destruct in 2 months, March 17.
It will come back, and be familiar and at the same time completely different.
All content will be deleted. Backup anything important.
--- Staff
Roleplay Cloud -
 

Sign up to EliteSkills




Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password

The Indian


Author: Fraser
ASL Info:    26
Elite Ratio:    2.43 - 30 /55 /35
Words: 122
Class/Type: Poetry /
Total Views: 912
Average Vote:    4.0000
Bytes: 739



Description:


a hunter going after a deer


The Indian



The indian hunter stalks his prey
touching the quills on his arrow
crouching low as to not be seen
the deer is just coming into view
the hunter breaths slowly copying the beast
blowing out snorts of air
he is the colour of a bush
he looks and sees the deer bow its head to the pond
sharp his eyes are shut closed
focus he must have to lace this animal
he snaps back the bow and releasing the feathers
a crow squaks in the distance
the deer rests sleeping and dreaming up above
the hunter kneals down beside the deer
he says a prayer and thanks the wise man
satifaction streaks the hunters face
the kill has boosted his spirits




Submitted on 2006-04-04 18:25:43     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!




Comments


  It was really descripitive and I could picture exactly what was happening. I love the part where the crow sounds in the distance, I could almost hear it! But the only thing I might consider to revise would be the part where the deer actually dies, I got a little confused, because dying is unlike sleeping, you should add something that makes it seem more sudden and painful than a nap in the sun. But other than that I liked it a lot.
| Posted on 2006-05-12 00:00:00 | by shmurr | [ Reply to This ]


Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?



97863