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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: the Questdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: adnil
    Elite Ratio:    4.31 - 514/286/57
    Words: 308
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1162
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1921



    Description:
       I know this is a tad long and I more then likly will try and shorten it later on, but I had thought I would like to hear some of the thoughts of my fellow poets first and an all comments will greatly be appreciated thanks
    adnil


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsthe Questdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Little bear sat upon the mountain mesa
    Offering prayers to the four corners of the earth
    Though Little Bear wasn't sure he was ready
    For the responsibility of his birth
    His father had been a good an wise chief to the people
    He'd held their respect and love
    It wouldn't be easy following in his moccasins
    So to the great spirits above
    Little Bear chanted for guidance
    As the fire embers grew low
    A mist like fog seemed to surround him
    In the middle of it all a light began to glow
    Then suddenly she was standing there
    With a beautiful smile upon her face
    She said I heard your prayers calling...
    And I traveled through time and space
    I've looked within your mind and heart
    Saw into your yesterdays and your tomorrows
    So I shall send you a spirit guide
    Who shall help you in all things even sorrows
    As she slowly faded back to which she came
    Little Bear said, but how will I know what my guide may be
    She replied look to the horizon
    As the sun begins to rise and you'll see
    In the morning he looked across the land
    Greetings Little Bear...I shall always strive
    To bring you knowledge an wisdom
    So you and your people may thrive
    As Little Bear turned...before him was a magnificent Eagle
    Who gave Little Bear three feathers
    Telling him they stood for...courage, wisdom and honor
    And each time he proved to be worthy there would be others
    When had proven all he must
    He was then to make a headdress out of them
    For he was blessed by the spirits above
    And they would be like an anthem
    From that time on as legend tells
    All Indian chiefs wore the eagle feathers
    In praise and honor to the spirits
    As man and spirit walk together




    Submitted on 2006-04-05 01:22:56     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Very good as always Linda. Very good for a first whack at it. Might have been a bit longer than your regular write but definitely worth the read. Fairly good flow, rhythm and rhyme. Large amounts of imagery, giving life to your vivd descriptions. Also tought me a new word today , moccasins, thanks for that.

    Keep up the good work and have a blessed and wonderful day, alert me when you do the re write or revision or whatever. I would love to read that too.

    Your friend Jason.
    | Posted on 2006-04-05 00:00:00 | by Departed One | [ Reply to This ]
      I enjoyed this very much Linda. There is not much you need to do really. First, in the parts where there is speaking, add " so that we know which part is speaking and which part is the narrator. Second, I agree with Dave, you seem to lose the streak you had after you mention the three feathers. Maybe leaving out the extra stuff on what he was to do with the feathers and just state he recieved 3 feathers and cherished them, and say over time what they came to mean. I would leave out how he needed to collect more feathers. I would even say the girl gave them to him and why. And just let those 3 feathers symbolize the all that the rest were meant to. It was not to long at all. I liked it. I think your imagery was great, and the feeling of being there with him was very vivid for me. You did good lady! Just revise the latter part, and add " to speaking parts and you are set.

    Maggie
    | Posted on 2006-04-05 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked it for the first draft. The ending kind of started to tail off after the part where you explained the meaning of the three feathers. It seems that is where you either had a hint of writers block or really didnt know how to continue it to the end. I will be interested to read the revisions you make. Nice and soothing though. Thanks for sharing.
    | Posted on 2006-04-05 00:00:00 | by hyproglo | [ Reply to This ]
      Linda
    Very wells said
    I like this idea and I do believe this may carry some truth
    This is very creative and really does make a lot of sense
    I constantly ask myself one question
    The Good Lord created animals before people
    Surely there is a reason for this
    Ill never stop speaking to the World realizes this
    God Bless
    Ron
    | Posted on 2006-04-05 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      Since this is a first draft I won't really get into too much detail. I like the story you've got. Wondering if this might work better as just plain ol' prose? Your choice, just thought I would mention it.

    Peace,

    Joe
    | Posted on 2006-04-05 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ]
      since this is not the final version i as yet cnnot give a final coment on it ..although ican help you out a bit .Firstly i noticed some typos

    Then suddenly she was standing their(there)
    Looked within your mind an(and) heart
    And they would be like a(an) anthem


    these lines just dont sound write , in my opinion they can be improved

    She said I heard your prayers calling...

    So I shall send you a spirit guide

    As she slowly faded back to which she came


    its a good poem , a tale of folklore .i like it when poets mix in elements of their culture into their poetry , it helps them create their own identity.I will really comment when you as you say are done
    | Posted on 2006-04-05 00:00:00 | by tinashe | [ Reply to This ]


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