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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Of Loss and Longingdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: drowning_queen
    Elite Ratio:    5.44 - 245/270/52
    Words: 87
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1471
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 582



    Description:
       It's a pantoum...

    For those who are now confused--

    A pantoum is a Malayan closed form of poetry. In it the second and fourth lines of a quatrain are repeated as the first and third lines of the next quatrain. Typically there are four quatrains but some use variations with more or less. The final quatrain compostion is dependent on the length and line structure, however, and is much better suited to a four quatrain piece. In a four quatrain pantoum, the 1, 3, 10, and 13 lines are used to close. Some say the first line must close but other sources say they can be in any order you choose. And there is some debate whether it must rhyme or not-- I say not.

    And of course most of you have now skipped this description so just enjoy the damn thing.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsOf Loss and Longingdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Your face is on the hillside
    When blackbirds sing in winter
    And slowly songs are strung out low
    Along the pale horizon

    When blackbirds sing in winter
    Your eyes are gently closing
    Along the pale horizon
    My love lies softly dying

    Your eyes are gently closing
    And all the lilies wilting
    My love lies softly dying
    Your memory I am mourning

    Your face is on the hillside
    And slowly songs are strung out low
    And all the lilies wilting
    Your memory I am mourning




    Submitted on 2006-04-05 16:52:04     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      this is really a wonderful piece. it evokes a very strong emotion within me. it is sad, but, i love it. i also agree with bill that each of these lines are short like a person drawing their last breath. the only difference is that your words are not shallow as a dying mans last breath.

    i really did enjoy this work. i even reveled in your description. i don't know much about poetry so this was really wonderful to my mind. it thought me something new. i have only been writing poetry for (no lie) 5 days now. since i joined elite. you can tell by the mistakes i make. but in time i will ripen.
    thanks again for your praise on one of my poems.
    be blessed.
    ~john-paul
    | Posted on 2006-06-09 00:00:00 | by rev.jpfadeproof | [ Reply to This ]
      wow, this format is so cool. there's something so eerily connectable to the repitition. i think that's why they call it phantom, it's like a ghost that haunts me. damn. ok so i can't see myself doing anything like this soon, because well let's face it, i like making new formats to screw up. but i think this is a brilliant job, and just for the fact that you're doing new [censored], this is definately a fav.

    i think if ya start incorporating all your sides, you could do something spec-sex-tacular.

    oh and i'm waiting till you get me all bloody. it will follow me in my dreams.

    peace love and harmony be with you.

    lata
    skilless
    | Posted on 2006-04-23 00:00:00 | by Skillessbasterd | [ Reply to This ]
      simply beautiful and full of sorrow.. i commend you for trying your hand at a pantoum. i always find form poetry so challenging.

    such a melancholy song, low and painful. stunning work.

    peace,
    ~Cat
    | Posted on 2006-04-06 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]
      Sadness befits the pantoum in the manner love befits the sonnet (and you've done a fine job of describing an unhappy passage of time leading to the inevitable twilight of what may have been a beautiful day). "Your memory I am mourning" is a lovely line, by the way, and each of the other lines is soft and short as a last breathe being drawn. No nitpicks here. Very nicely done. Take care. Bill.
    | Posted on 2006-04-05 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
      Well, I applaud your trying such a highly structured poem. I only have one suggestion.

    Your memory I am mourning

    This line just doesn't sound right. Probably because the sentence structure is twisted. Why don't you try something like "Your memory I mourn." It says the same thing, but differently.

    Anyway, just a suggestion - and the only one I have for anything! Good job. mae
    | Posted on 2006-04-05 00:00:00 | by mae | [ Reply to This ]
      Pantoum is one of the rare forms that I really like and you've done well with this one. The trick seems to be the fine line between keeping the narration moving and using lines that are repeatable. Since so many lines are repeated they work particularly well for grieving pieces or addictive pieces where the mind naturally works in circles covering and recovering the same ground.

    Jack
    | Posted on 2006-04-05 00:00:00 | by JackBenny | [ Reply to This ]
      The title of this poem is very good, I felt it went hand and hand with the write and must say I found your description interesting and funny as well. Interesting in that you have just introduced me to a new form and also the its funny in that what you said at the end

    "And of course most of you have now skipped this description so just enjoy the damn thing."

    I guess you really have people that do that huh, I guess they are just lazy or something.
    I always read the description for in the description there might be some vital information as it concerns the work that follows, so I think it should be indeed read.

    After reading your description and then taking a look at you wrote I must say this piece is very good. I must try my hand at this sometime, I really did enjoy reading and this is a prefect
    pantoum as far as I'm concern. I adding this to my fav's list.

    Keep up the great work
    and take care

    Be happy

    Jason
    | Posted on 2006-06-21 00:00:00 | by Departed One | [ Reply to This ]


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