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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Recoil of the Hatedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: vitoko
    ASL Info:    24/M
    Elite Ratio:    4.4 - 690/442/104
    Words: 81
    Class/Type: Prose/Misc
    Total Views: 878
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 481



    Description:
       well i wrote this when i was totally drunk last saturday... i dont know ..


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsRecoil of the Hatedots
    -------------------------------------------


    My desire for loving you
    took me to crucify myself
    between your skin and lust.
    This night will be
    for marking me your sorrow
    for not loving me
    when the light walked though
    your obscurity.
    Dream because your bed
    is waiting for the waves
    of your flesh.
    Suffer when i own your flesh
    full of lust and love
    because you will feel
    the recoil of the hate
    that is in your soul




    Submitted on 2006-04-06 16:39:50     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Btw-

    though should be "through" your obscurity..
    and just wanted to let you know the begining is deep and wonderful but the ending kinda destroys it..I know this can be more than what it already is..that's why I'm letting you know..find that spark!
    | Posted on 2007-09-17 00:00:00 | by Ani | [ Reply to This ]
      Ok I love your drunken talent..but something is missing in this poem..the spark of it..some of these people are right..you might wanna go over it and find that missing piece to bring the thrill..still very goood!
    | Posted on 2007-09-17 00:00:00 | by Ani | [ Reply to This ]
      Not my cup of tea this time.

    Crazy can be good, but it needs a spark of something to make it work, and this lost the plot a coupe of times, enough for the reader to wonder too much, instead of swimming with the story.

    I can write while drunk, but it's only after many years of practise...lol

    be happy

    Graeme
    | Posted on 2006-04-09 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]
      Well........ I aggree you might want to look this over when you're sober... But kudos for making even a wee bit of sense whilst drunk...
    It has the potential to be pretty good, and puzzling though the first three lines are, I like the idea of it. In the end your passion will be your demise.
    Kinda cool, but it could be better.
    Rachel
    | Posted on 2006-04-07 00:00:00 | by sadtrapofgravit | [ Reply to This ]
      oh my god. this is..WOW. extremely beautiful.
    and lustful...and romantic.....and hard core. a big mix.
    you should dig deeper and figure out why it is you write like this..
    this is obviously your desire...you write about this enogh...
    xoxo
    me
    | Posted on 2006-04-06 00:00:00 | by 2Numb | [ Reply to This ]
      I agree somewhat with maggie. I was kinda thrown off at some of this. Atleast you did ok while drunk though. I cant write anything when Im drunk. Might be because I drink alot. Well, nice job anyway dude, try write it sober.
    | Posted on 2006-04-06 00:00:00 | by irish storm | [ Reply to This ]
      I disagree with you MS totally...i think his imagery is perfect....i think he needs to work on the punctuation ...other than that i love them..."Dream because your bed
    is waiting for the waves
    of your flesh" this line is so eroticly perfect....Good Job!!!

    AL
    | Posted on 2006-04-06 00:00:00 | by Amanda Lynn | [ Reply to This ]
      this was kinda of trippy, okay more like creepy. I think you may want to rewrite this in a sober state of mind. Nice imagery, but it made no sense to me at all. Amazingly, you kept a nice flow. This needs, more clarifictaion, a better flow, and less melodrama. I'm sure you can handle that. lol. Not bad for being drunk as a skunk.

    Maggie
    | Posted on 2006-04-06 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]


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