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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Eclipsedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: vitoko
    ASL Info:    24/M
    Elite Ratio:    4.4 - 690/442/104
    Words: 62
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 882
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 380



    Description:
       well another one when i was drunk


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsEclipsedots
    -------------------------------------------


    Dream with your shelter of soft clouds.
    Miss the gray rainbow between your tears.
    Live with the agony that evil brought
    Because i will be the one who will love you after death.

    You will come when the dawn revive
    With your dark dress.
    And I will be the sun kissing your moon.
    And our love will resuscitate between eclipses.




    Submitted on 2006-04-06 16:53:03     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      This is beautiful, you should often get drunk and write ;)

    "And I will be the sun kissing your moon."
    that was definitely a favorite line

    I found this poem very eye-catching and with such appealing words and sense, definitely a good poem!

    | Posted on 2007-09-17 00:00:00 | by Ani | [ Reply to This ]
      Well,
    you mus thave some talent if you can write like that when drinking.
    I know I could never.
    " And I will be the sun kissing your moon."
    Was my fave line.
    Swanne
    | Posted on 2006-04-10 00:00:00 | by Swanne | [ Reply to This ]
      Victor, you're starting to get it right! neat, neat, neat! I liked this a lot.

    The last line of stanza one:

    "Live with the agony that evil brought
    Because i will be the one who will love you after death."

    I would change to

    "Live with the agony that evil brought
    For I will be the one who will love you after death."

    In stanza two, make the full stop a comma, or drop the "and" it's not a good word to start a sentence with.

    Excellent stuff, very good indded

    be happy

    Graeme
    | Posted on 2006-04-08 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]
      Great poem for writing while you were drunk. Lol. It had awesome imagery! The lines just sounded so beautiful. I will be the sun kissing your moon. That was awesome. I think you have a way with words. I have nothing bad to say about this. Brilliant job. Going on my favs.
    inkpen
    | Posted on 2006-04-08 00:00:00 | by inkpen | [ Reply to This ]
      Okay, how sad is this? Your poems you write while you're drunk sound better than mine do when I'm sober.
    I love the imagery you've used. I'm espicially fond of the, "And I will be the sun kissing your moon.
    And our love will resuscitate between eclipses."

    it's beautiful. keep up the writing!

    -jess
    | Posted on 2006-04-08 00:00:00 | by wildchild | [ Reply to This ]
      your were drunk!?!..maybe i should get drunk and try to write something..this was great!..purty good for being drunk..the flow was really nice...i liked the image of the sun kissing the moon, it was really cute and lovey..lol..anyhows i really liked this poem..keep it up! ^.^

    --Lucy--
    | Posted on 2006-04-07 00:00:00 | by rainbowXrazors | [ Reply to This ]
      mmmÖ.i donít know what to say about these two poems , theyíre good ,I like them , but I didnít love them as much as I did with your others. I guess Iím used to your great awesome poems that a good one didnít seem to be satisfying . anyway , I think if youíre gonna write while youíre drunk , you should improve them later when youíre solver
    ( itís just my opinion , I may be wrong )
    p.s : I liked recoil of the hate more than the other one :)
    have a nice day
    ~~Drakoniss~~
    | Posted on 2006-04-07 00:00:00 | by drakoniss | [ Reply to This ]
      You really do pretty well when you're drunk, maybe I should try that some time. It's depressing yet, fasinating all at once. I think that's what got me. really like this one alot.
    | Posted on 2006-04-06 00:00:00 | by firefoxvixen | [ Reply to This ]
      oooooooo! this is so....omg...
    so me..and my love for...the_dark_anjul...

    i think that when you are drunk your true emotions come out and ppl see you for you..and your feelings for what they are.
    xoxo
    me
    | Posted on 2006-04-06 00:00:00 | by 2Numb | [ Reply to This ]
      maybe change revive to revives and resucitate may be spelled wrong but i don't know how to spell it so i can't help you with that. any way thats ok thanks for sharing
    Vynom
    | Posted on 2006-04-06 00:00:00 | by PryncessVynom | [ Reply to This ]
      well I didn't like this as much as some off your other stuff still liked some off the lines "you will come when the dawn revive" is a great line anyway thanks for commenting on my stuff.
    reedo
    | Posted on 2006-04-06 00:00:00 | by reedo | [ Reply to This ]
      I think some of his best stuff has come to him while drinking...although if you live like that you will end up wollowing in yourself like Edgar Allen Poe...allthough he had his drink mixed with a bit of insanity.....I think your poems are amazing i love each and every one...the darkness mixed in with the sweetness....Your my Robert Browning....please dont stop.
    | Posted on 2006-04-06 00:00:00 | by Amanda Lynn | [ Reply to This ]
      Not another drunk poem! lol. You are killing me her. To sugary and strangely morbid. I think your flow is way better in this piece. Actually this piece is just way better than the last one I just read. BUT, it was not as good as your other poems. I have no idea how you can save this one...because there were some good lines in it. All I will say is, give up writing while you are drunk. lol.

    Maggie
    | Posted on 2006-04-06 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]


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    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
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