Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: All that you hold deardots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Senna27NZ
    ASL Info:    33/m/New Zealand-UK
    Elite Ratio:    5.42 - 251/184/26
    Words: 134
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1605
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 893



    Description:
       Ever have something precious that you wanted to remain a secret lest other people try to change it forever? Maybe a girl, a friendship, a place or even just a song you didn't want the radio stations to find out about incase they played it to death.

    If so then I hope you can relate to this.


    Thanks to rws for suggestions


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsAll that you hold deardots
    -------------------------------------------


    Northern birds sing a strange song;
    soothing and sweet, as though nothing were wrong
    Carried on the breath of the winterís cold
    chilling the body as it warms the soul

    Bucolic view of the compass noon:
    snow covered lanes lit by wounded moon
    Auroras dancing through sackcloth sky
    whilst song shatters silence as dawn grows nigh

    A tune to tempt neophytes, new to this land
    forsaking their summers
    slave to winterís command
    For who could resist a northern songbird
    armed by melodies sweeter than previously heard

    Do not venture up north where the cold winds blow
    stay in the tropics, choosing sand over snow
    Lest you speak of the song to all your friends
    Lest their noise should bring sweet song to an end










    Submitted on 2006-04-06 22:31:00     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Hey Jay,
    long time no seen. Sorry haven't been around. Just wanted to check on you, see what other marvelous work you have created fo us to read. I liked this one very much although the title didn't really intrigue me that much, still i found your words very deep and very passionate as though you were living in what you wrote.

    I miss the north so much cause i am living in the south and here we don't have snow and we don't have winter and we don't have different birds singing different songs and things are just so quiet here but i really miss the north. you've made me miss it even more.

    I found that certain lines were out of balance such as the first and third stanza, maybe try work on that. Other than that, it is always a pleasure reading your work.
    Talk to you soon
    Take care.....
    Irina
    | Posted on 2006-05-22 00:00:00 | by charmedidentity | [ Reply to This ]
      " Ever have something precious that you wanted to remain a secret lest other people try to change it forever? Maybe a girl, a friendship, a place or even just a song you didn't want the radio stations to find out about incase they played it to death.

    If so then I hope you can relate to this.


    Thanks to rws for suggestions "


    >>> Yes, I do relate - almost too painful that I would rather not admit it....<<<






    All that you hold dear
    -------------------------------------------



    Northern birds sing a strange song;
    soothing and sweet, as though nothing were wrong
    Carried on the breath of the winterís cold
    chilling the body as it warms the soul

    >> As though there were nothing wrong.....
    how can something cold still warm the soul? That is a mystery that something of true value can make precious<<<

    Bucolic view of the compass noon:
    snow covered lanes lit by wounded moon
    Auroras dancing through a sackcloth sky
    whilst song shatters silence as dawn grows nigh

    >>what has wounded the moon... that it and the sun shall never together be?<<

    A tune to tempt neophytes, new to this land
    forsaking their summers
    slave to winterís command
    For who could resist a northern songbird
    armed by melodies sweeter than previously heard


    >> the melody of the heart is what compares and goes beyond any natural beauty, reflecting it yet having a life of its own<<<

    Do not venture north where the cold winds blow
    stay in the tropics, choosing sand over snow
    Lest you speak of the song to all your friends
    Lest their noise should bring sweet song to an end"

    >>>Mmmmm....... this is like the story of my life. Some things are wrecked because of people interfering and manipulating in what I have or think or feel.

    It is too beautiful it hurts. And being held down makes it even more painful.

    And so the song remains unsong, save from the confines of a beating heart......

    <<<<










    | Posted on 2006-05-04 00:00:00 | by CrypticBard | [ Reply to This ]
      I really enjoyed it. As I read I was taken away to my secret place. Heaven forbid i find another in my space. Its a private matter wonderfull bliss and a song of happiness. true one wants to share but the risk of changing, hmm does one dare. yes i can truly relate to this piece u did a well job gave me a sigh of relief. Thank u much Please feel fee to visit the Majestic Mountains for that is my sacraed place where i keep all my friends and families. Protected by time. where none can steel
    | Posted on 2006-04-11 00:00:00 | by Gannondalf | [ Reply to This ]
      At first it reads as a beautiful nature poem.. but further reading shows a heart won over by a certain "songbird" from the north (lucky girl).
    I really enjoyed the subtle meaning and the journey you took me on with the descriptions and images..
    and I could be wrong.. but I get a sense of "bittersweet" admiration (perhaps moreso from the last stanza..and also, the last line of the first).

    Several good lines here.. for example: "snow covered lanes lit by wounded moon" - that one held my attention a bit longer than the rest.

    Nice work.. well written.

    ~Sandra
    | Posted on 2006-04-11 00:00:00 | by Intricate1 | [ Reply to This ]
      Sounds as if you've been enthralled by a northern songbird yourself (and only an experienced ear such as yours could possibly appreciate such beauty). Competition? Baaaad! Seriously, most writers are generally secretive (and especially protective of a loved one..or a muse). I've taken a few liberties with the last stanza to demonstrate some tightening that might be beneficial to the rhythm of the piece (with my additions in parentheses and the syllables I'd drop in brackets):

    Do not venture [up] north where the cold wind(s) [does] blow
    stay in the tropics, choos(e)[ing] sand over snow
    Lest you speak of the song to all [of] your friends
    Lest their noise should bring the song to an end

    I'd also suggest reworking the first stanza (which seems a line too long); perhaps dropping or integrating the line 'as though nothing were wrong' into another line. Overall this is a beautiful theme with a very fine use of language. Nicely done. Take care of yourself. Bill.

    | Posted on 2006-04-07 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
      Well not to sound too 'unprofessional' (haha) but ...awwwwww! lol. I really think that was so sweet, and beautifully written. I love how she is the song bird, and her 'song' -herself- had to be kept secret. I know that feeling so well. Personally I don't like people that much, and one reason for that is because one way or another they always try to get too far into things that just aren't their business. (We, as a human race, tend to screw up the good things while we're at it.) I'm an extremely secretive person... Anyway, I am going to be putting this one in my favourites, because I know I'm going to want to read it later. The imagery was spectacular (and I don't say that word very often) mostly because not only did you get into the appearance of a place, but the feel of the place aswell. I might aswell have been standing in the middle of the snowy field, trying desperately to hear a secret song that I probably would never hear. Excellent job.
    | Posted on 2006-04-06 00:00:00 | by stefhy | [ Reply to This ]
      I really like this one
    I believe you were speaking of how beautiful the North is and how you are a little afraid others will invade her beauty and take away all you hold dear
    This is exceptionally well writtem
    And was ajoy to read
    Excellent Work!!!!
    This is a favorite
    God Bless
    Ron
    | Posted on 2006-04-14 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    98198

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry