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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: ..it's easy if you try..."dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: graeme
    ASL Info:    33/M/Maple Ridge B.C. Can
    Elite Ratio:    3.42 - 26/43/19
    Words: 384
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 682
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 2201



    Description:
       I think this is pretty lame. I might just stick to some free thought poems and such, but here it is. I wish I had the fluidity of others but I don't. Tell me what you think I guess...


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    dots..it's easy if you try..."dots
    -------------------------------------------


    "I mean, if shouting brought about change we could all be where we wanted to be without really working at it" he replied to her crazy rantings about the government (or other drivers, or the local news program, or whatever her latest rant was about).

    This apparently wasn't the response she was looking for. She shouted some more about how he never really listened to her (or how he didn't clip his toenails often enough, or how he didn't hang his jacket on the hook or whatever her latest slam agains him was).

    At least shouting could be easy to ignore, if it's loud it's not worth hearing, the cat asking for more food, he heard. The change from his jeans pocket in the dryer downstairs he could hear (though it's funny the neighbors could only hear the shouting, yelling, loud music).

    "I'll make an effort to be more supportive if you will make an effert to be less assertive" he found himself saying. She didn't like that, a whole new rant began, did he want a passive housewife, was that it. So he listened to the cat some more, at least its request he could satisfy.

    This wasn't a fight, that required two people shouting. Man that would bring about quite the change in her eyes, he thought. Imagine all the poeple, shouting for today, he sang in his head. His smirk was once again not what she wanted to see. He couldn't explain what he was thinking to her so he "wiped that smirk off his face" and began nodding to her rant.

    "No I don't want a passive woman, yes I do wish the government would be accountable, yes i'll try to clean up after myself..." and then finally he got what he wanted all along. She smiled, though it was one of those smiles that meant "I'll believe when I see it" or "I'll bring this all up again later". He sat down on the sofa, and turned on the TV.

    The local news was reporting on the latest government tax hike and how that was going to affect housewives accross the nation. He tried to change the channel but it was too late, she was off.




    Submitted on 2006-04-07 11:15:40     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      this was good. real. dont worry so much about being fluid...it resembles a common relationship, & while there's rarely anything conventionally poetic about that, it has a flow of its own.

    the only criticism i have is about the last line & "she was off" ....i'm just not sure i like the way thats worded, but i like the concept of it.

    thats all. i like. good work.
    | Posted on 2006-04-09 00:00:00 | by lovefatal | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked it. I thought you did a good job mixing the seriousness of the situation with some humor as well. The ending was good too. Classic.
    Yeah, it doesn't feel very fluid, it might be because of the parentheses and afterthoughts that seemed to be tacked onto the end of a lot of sentences. I wouldn't know what to suggest to fix that. I'm just trying to help.
    It was good though. Nice work!
    | Posted on 2006-04-09 00:00:00 | by timetopurge | [ Reply to This ]


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