Broken for you by diamonds_2

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Submission Name: Broken for you dots

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Author:	diamonds_2_dust
ASL Info:	15/m/Eugene Oregon
Elite Ratio:	3.47 - 105/161/35
Words:	133

Class/Type:	Poetry/BrokenHeart
Total Views:	228
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	944

Description:
ask later

Broken for you dots

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Once again, here i am
holding my heart in my hand
and i'm wanting you to have it
but i don't understand

why i cant speak
and totally freak
every time that you pass bye
and i want to cry...

Here i'm broken and shattered
but it doesn't matter
i'm willing to break again...for you...
i've had more than enough
but i'm willing to love
i'm willing to break again...for you...

Lonely nights are like a dream
they dont feel real when you are next to me
and despite my loner nature
i crave for your company

Here i'm broken and shattered
but it doesn't matter
i'm willing to break again...for you...
i've had more than enough
but i'm willing to love
i'm willing to break again...for you...

Submitted on 2006-04-07 13:24:25 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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||| Comments |||
  I'm with Naymless, the second stanza needs to be revised. It did not sound right or fit in with the rest of the poem in my opinion. Everything else was good, and I would not change a thing. This was very good. It seem as if you are craving this girl who is out of your reach, you had her once beforem but now, you see how much she means to you and you can't bring yourself to say anything, so you suffer in silence. Not bad work.

Maggie
| Posted on 2006-04-07 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]
  This is a very lovely piece and each feeling of suffering is evident to a fine point, wonderfully written. Every stanza screamed of the passions that were overlooked and that's what makes is so great. There's only one thing I'd change

why i cant speak
and totally freak
every time that you pass bye
and i want to cry...

I admit the second stanza is essential to this piece but something about the rhyming seems... so not right, in other words I'd change the rhyming scheme, rhyming is a very good way to make your poem better and stand out more, but it puts a leash on the writers imagination and creativity. Over all you did a very good job, this is a wonderful work of art. I'd give it a 8.5 out of 10, spread your words like fire.

Sincerely yours with a bloody kiss,
Naymless.
| Posted on 2006-04-07 00:00:00 | by Naymless | [ Reply to This ]
  This write speaks great truth
It is also extremely sad
I think I am one of those people too who are afraid of Love because they feel love as in a romance brings pain
I pray you find the peace your looking for
God Bless
Ron

Please if you get a chance Please take a look at some of my writes and let me know what you think
Thank You
Ron
| Posted on 2006-04-07 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]

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