Crown of Thorns by Natalia Petro

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dots

<< | >>

Submission Name: Crown of Thorns dots

--------------------------------------------------------

Author:	Natalia Petro
ASL Info:	18/Female/Denmark
Elite Ratio:	5.35 - 62/50/18
Words:	138

Class/Type:	Poetry/Misc
Total Views:	190
Average Vote:	4.0000
Bytes:	946

Description:
This came from a challenge set out by some teachers at my school. I'm not quite sure if it is yet as good as I would like, which is where you come in. Any feedback is welcome, critique especially so.
NB: This has been changed a bit, with help from the two comments already posted.

Crown of Thorns dots

-------------------------------------------

Freedom had never been as free
As the moment is ceased to be.
It felt as if the wind had soared;
Never to roam this earth abhored.

The land itself shall howl and rage
Against its now forgotten cage.
For never can it liberate
Itself from its unnoticed fate.

The devil soon will show his horns
On which he holds this Crown of Thorns.
No one can from his fight escape
Which from his freedom took its shape.

Freedom, why would you create,
This monster to eradicate
The man whom on this earth does live?
Why can you not him forgive?

Sins have been the battlecall
Oh, this does Mother Earth appall.
Once she is free of life, at last,
She hopes man will let past be past!

Submitted on 2006-04-07 14:11:05 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
I think the title would of been better "Crown of Thorns". Usually when you try to find a title, it has to be something that people will want to discover. To me, if i see a title like that, I would love to know what goes on but since i've been reading a lot of freedom poems, i was thinking "let me give this a shot".

The first few sentences directly made me see a rhyme scheme. Usually, to me when a poem is not forced, i don't usually see the rhyme scheme at the beginning but your first few sentences were right there. To me, it's a bit forced.

Freedom has never been as free
As the moment is ceased to be.
It felt as if the wind had soared;
Never to roam this earth abhored.

Your first paragraph is not a hitting line-something that will make a reader want to go further although you have tried to relate that feeling to a natural event. There is something wrong with the way you have structured your sentences. Or maybe i am just confused because here my understanding of what freedom has been has been taken away.

The land itself shall howl and rage
Against its now forgotten cage.
For never can it liberate
Itself from its unnoticed fate.

Here it seems like you are talking on behalf of the land- the anger that it feels and how people are taking advantage of it and is condemning it. I am thinking here of pollution. But then, i'm not really sure. I'm thinking how people are polluting the land that it shall never be the same and that it is heading towards something worst than what it previously experienced.

The devil soon will show his horns
On which he holds this Crown of Thorns.
No one can from this fight escape
Which from his freedom took its shape.

Here, i am thinking that evil shall spread its roots from the underworld and roam the earth and the shall be defeated. The last two sentences need reconstruction. your tenses are wrongly used here. And i think most people because of that will misinterpret the message. So change that....

Oh Freedom, why would thou create,
This monster to erradicate
The man who on this earth does live?
Oh, why can you not him forgive?

I don't realy know why all of a sudden you would want to use "Oh freedom". It's out of place because of the way your piece is constructed which makes it out of balance in my opinion. Eradicate has been mispelt so check that too. Again the last two sentences has certain tense flaws in it and will be misinterpreted again if not confuse the mind of the reader.

Sins have been the battlecall
Oh, how this does the earth appall.
Once she is free of life, at last
She hopes man will let past be past!

This piece made me think from a feministic point of view- how guys have the bad habit to trap you from who you really are. It's like being in a relationship with a guy who has control over your life. And when you finally have this person out of your life, you can only hope that the past will remain the past. I don't know. It's my interpretation.

Yet overall, this was an interesting write with many ideas and a lot of effort. There was a lot of reality here and that needs to be highlighted. So thanks for sharing that. I wnjoyed it very much.
Take care....
Irina
| Posted on 2006-04-07 00:00:00 | by charmedidentity | [ Reply to This ]
Natalia, this poem needs a lot of work. I think here the form is restricting you. Usually I don't tell people that, but the way you're trying to follow the rhyme scheme is warping your ideas and your syntax too much.

"Freedom has never been as free
As the moment is ceased to be.
It felt as if the wind had soared;
Never to roam this earth abhored."

the second line here is particukary rough. Do you mean "As the moment it ceases to be"?
Also, you shift tense in the third line from present to past and it gets confusing... the ideas don't flow from one to the next..

"No one can from this fight escape
Which from his freedom took its shape."
These two lines are confusing as well.
Who is 'his' Christ? The devil? You've mentioned both in passing.. sort of. Perhaps just capitalizes His would clear it up if you mean JEsus?

And then you use 'Thou' out of no where and that seems out of place as well. 'You' works just as well there, and is actually a better choice because it follows your sound patterns better.
I'm not trying to critique your beleifs or anything so I hope I haven't offended, I just think that for something that means as much to you as this poem obviously does you should leave so unfinished. Consider using a more modern syntax maybe as well.
| Posted on 2006-04-07 00:00:00 | by DavidHirt | [ Reply to This ]

Full Anime Episodes Streaming Free
5 million youtube videos all rated over 4.7 stars with 40+ ratings

[ Copy this | Start New | Full Size ]

Enter your search terms Submit search form

Web www.eliteskills.com

[ Chrispian ] [ Write Forum ]
[ Friends ] [ SNESroms ] .

[ Quick Signup ]
[ Lost Password ]

January 10 07
131,497 Poems
Posted

I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

[ Angst Poetry ]
[ Cutters ]
[ Famous Poetry ]
[ Poetry Scams ]

FontSize:
[ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]

This user has been inactive for more than 5 days.