death day by dismentled

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Submission Name: death day dots

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Author:	dismentled
ASL Info:	24/M/"South of Heaven"
Elite Ratio:	4.11 - 619/553/204
Words:	115

Class/Type:	Poetry/Venting
Total Views:	258
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	804

Description:

death day dots

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I can feel
the sun shining,
as my smile fades
my memories
are waiting to,
wreck the day
my scars surely forming,
fore they never healed
is to wrong to be honest?
is it wrong to feal?

Sometimes I just
want to die
sometimes I just
want to kill
sometimes I wish
I could cry
Sometimes I wish
I couldn't feal

I can feal
the pain rising,
from down below
everything that
I was hiding
didn't want to know
I watch leafs forming
slowly turning green
what must it be to live,
to feal so serene?

an existance thom which I confide
only to await my inevevitable death day

Submitted on 2006-04-07 20:57:32 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  now I'm forced to ask, and I"m sure I'll feel like a retard upon hearing you're enlightenment on the matter; but what is it with you and refusing to have anything spelled "ee" (i.e---> 'feal', etc.) ? i don't know it doesn't really bother me, actually it's oddly comforting but i wanna know. (its kinda like how i told you i'll start speaking to myself in languages i didn't know it knew; it sonuds kewl as hell but i wish i knew what i was saying!) This was pretty emotional, or maybe just as opposed to what Im' used to from your writes; springtime is sad like that isn't it- at least in the winter you're not the only thing feeling dead and out of place. then again, i usually have at least two days a year that i feel that kind of peace that only really comes from being truly okay for a little...*sighs* yep, that leads to my outpouring of hopeless romanticism
<3 jess <3
| Posted on 2006-12-06 00:00:00 | by silent_death12 | [ Reply to This ]
  Because most of your pieces, whether purposely or not, come out lyrical I would say that the punctuation is not necessary - I believe your formatting provides for ease in reading.
This piece seems as though there is a lonely person crying out to something but not really sure what it is & wondering why he is as he is. You show darkness but then you bring in some delicate color thinking on the leaf - I liked that !
love,peace,joy&smilez 2 share
tif
| Posted on 2006-04-10 00:00:00 | by Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
  this could be the makings of a great song...the only thing i can find wrong with it is the punctuation seems off makes the reading of it feel wrong...all in all a very good poem :)
AL
| Posted on 2006-04-09 00:00:00 | by Amanda Lynn | [ Reply to This ]
  dont we all wish we couldnt feel
die feelings die

this part is awsome its coo that yah turned to the feelings of the leaf

"I can feal
the pain rising,
from down below
everything that
I was hiding
didn't want to know
I watch leafs forming
slowly turning green
what must it be to live,
to feal so serene?"

Da Grim Reaperesssss
| Posted on 2006-04-07 00:00:00 | by DaGrimReaperess | [ Reply to This ]
  well first i just want to point out, that Feal should be Feel. in the first stanza 9th line i think it's spose to read Is IT Wrong To Be Honest. Also in the second to last line i think "thom" should be from...i know these are little nitpicky things, but people notice these things more than you realize.

secondly, i really like this..i think what actually pulls this all nicely together is the second stanza and its repetition. that part is what pulled me in and made me want to keep reading. the only thing i would suggest is maybe add a little more punctuation in there so the flow is more easily recognized.

well done on this, take care
| Posted on 2006-04-07 00:00:00 | by MmR | [ Reply to This ]

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