Un-mommed by jer

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Submission Name: Un-mommed dots

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Author:	jer
ASL Info:	29/M/Detroit
Elite Ratio:	5.08 - 283/238/34
Words:	80

Class/Type:	Poetry/Misc
Total Views:	221
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	603

Description:
I recently read an article about poetry that uses the Fibonacci sequence for its syllable count. (1,1,2,3,5,8,13,...) Since I've been in a dry spell with stuff that I want to get out but that just won't manifest itself on paper, I decided to try it.

As a format, I rather like it. It has an interesting flow to it. The subject matter is nothing new, if you've read my stuff, then you've read this. :)

Un-mommed dots

-------------------------------------------

Sad,
Stunned,
No more...
...Can my voice
Be ignored by you.
...Can the children be hurt by you.
...Will your self interest destroy their precious young psyches.

Dead
Gone.
In body...
...you remain,
but you are ignored.
They no longer ask about you.
They no longer wonder when mommy will come visit.

Choice,
Self.
You chose...
...you not them,
one too many times.
Their wounds can now begin to heal
While you continue to inflict them upon yourself.

Submitted on 2006-04-07 22:17:51 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  i too recently started working with haikus, tankas and acrostic poems.. it is intresting ans chalanging.. this is something else to try since im going through a dry spell myself...
| Posted on 2006-06-06 00:00:00 | by mimi | [ Reply to This ]
  The last line in the first stanza, there's no way I can count it where I only get 13 syllables, even giving both "interest" and "destroy" only two syllables each.

One thing you might want to try with this format is to have the lines build on each other. I haven't read your other stuff, but your description implies that the theme here is one you use a lot (understandably!!), so this might be able to serve as a way to use this form to attack this form from a different angle. You sort of do this in the third stanza, so I'll use that as an example:
Self + You choose = You not them ... Then the next line is a bringing-together of the two lines before it: one too many times.

"Choice" isn't really one syllable, either.

Yay for finding new formats that help getting out of a writing slump

--Jasmine
| Posted on 2006-04-08 00:00:00 | by bitterlily | [ Reply to This ]
  this was great jer...i'm asuming this is about your ex...she doesn't deserve such wonderful little ones...they seem strong and you being there and being such a great dad probably help....i'm liking the structure here...its diffrent but really cool...how did mag...think abortion?....lol.....anywho...i may have to try this structure...looks fun....well anywho...i miss you jer.....i wish you lived closer.....hope your good....im me next time u see me online....love ange
| Posted on 2006-04-08 00:00:00 | by purplesun24 | [ Reply to This ]
  This was a interesting style of writing, I must try this one day. As for the subject, I gather you are speaking of abortion, and you are saying you feel it is wrong. I will say you did give a impressive message with such a complicated dictation of meter. As for my own thoughts, I will keep them to myself. But I do think you had a not to much melodramatics and some strong wording. Good work.

Maggie
| Posted on 2006-04-07 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]
  choice isn't one syllable? oh, that's what's wrong with my life! I thought it was one syllable and it's not. how many syllables is it? how many can I make before I'm out of syllables?

ha ha. just being funny. but my dictionary says it's definitely one syllable. and I'm an english major so I'm going with the old school ruling that it is one syllable.

anyway, how the heck are ya?
| Posted on 2006-04-17 00:00:00 | by sierramuse8 | [ Reply to This ]

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