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Whispered Promises

Author: mimi
ASL Info:    30/f/ny
Elite Ratio:    3.66 - 597 /390 /111
Words: 101
Class/Type: Poetry /
Total Views: 610
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 714


What are you looking for in terms of feedback? Any background information behind the piece? Hints? Is this just to vent? Emotional state while writing?

Whispered Promises

Whispered promises.
Candle light dreams.
Humid august evenings,
and the certainty, the conviction
that comes with youth.
When the truth
isn't made of happy ever afters.
Sweet and Low moments don't equal
The raw sweetness of reality.
A kiss wont mend the broken fences
or pay the rent.
He offered you the moon,
Promised to lasso the stars,
so it could shine for you
and he could see your smile.
Tomorrow always comes
to shine florescent lights
to show the cobwebs
of whispered promises

Submitted on 2006-04-08 00:24:46     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  Well, Um....
You spelled "promises" wrong.
And "fences..."
Oh and... "cobwebs"

This is a rather.... weird writing. I'm not sure if I like it or not. You seem to know how to put words together, I like that.... but I dont know, theres a few things about this poem I just don't like. I'm sorry, but I can't stand it.

Work on using your imagination more, I always tell people that. Things will turn out a lot better and express your true self, when someone is reading something of yours, they should be able to look straight into your mind, and that's what you have to think about while writing.

This poem would sound a lot better with rhyming verses, and split them apart in seperation. I hope my critique helps, and I am not saying that you are a bad writer, because I do see talent in this peice, you just have to work on it a little more.

| Posted on 2006-04-28 00:00:00 | by necrotic | [ Reply to This ]
  I really liked this piece, it was very...i don't know. Dark, realistic maybe? I really liked this part
"Sweet and Low moments don't equal
The raw sweetness of reality."
It gives the poem a light hearted spot which works well. This piece seemed very self explainatory(sp?). I liked it, great job

| Posted on 2006-04-08 00:00:00 | by Glassy Eyed | [ Reply to This ]

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