Description: Originally this was meant to be a much more elaborate and deeper write but somehow I got stuck. The result wasn't the best..... I wrote it a couple of months ago and I've been trying to fix it since then ……..
I'd appreciate all kind of feedback and criticism ... I really need it.
A hoaxing Reflection -------------------------------------------
More than once
I've wondered
How it must be
To see,
Through your eyes,
see what you see;
To be
In your shoes
And peer,
At my face.
Thereupon
I’d learn
The truth,
Which I need
To shatter the illusion
Held by the hoaxing mirror.
Hey! It's been awhile, Ethan. I believe there are a few technical repairs you could make to streamline the structure of the piece/eliminate uneccessary syllables and words
"More than once I've wondered How it must be To see Through your eyes, See what you see; To be In your shoes And peer At my face. Thereupon I’d learn The truth, Which I need To shatter the illusion Held by the hoaxing mirror."
Of course, these are only suggestions, you don't need to incorporate any of them in your work. I believe if you're going to devote more time to this write, expanding or restructuring the final few lines migh be beneficial to the impact of the poem. I enjoy the concept of stepping into someone else's perspective/culture/family dynamic/lifestyle, especially in light of the endless conflict the world is in. Good to hear from you again. Take care. Bill.
I am not that good in making good critiques, yet I think you should mention something about the other world inside the mirror. Something like "Your world looks chaotic, but it's nothing compared to mine". You could go a bit differently and say that the mirror is copying you, but in a way that looks wrong.
Also you could start a "dialogue" with the mirror, where you would ask questions about what the mirror sees, and what it thinks about what is sees. It would see everything in order, straight lines, etc. But then it would see the chaos that is hidden behind the perfect order and peace.
I would say more, but my time is up, I will try to add more later.
Submission Name: A hoaxing Reflection
