Our story is set in a poor Russian town,
Where we follow our arrogant protagonist down
To rehearse his first murder, a rich pawnbroker crowned
With prestigious title: meanest old bag around.
Raskolnikov, our “hero”, backs out, thinks he’s nuts
To even consider the terrible crime.
He walks into a bar, meets Semyon the drunk
Who’s so screwed up that he actually pities the guy.
(On a side note, Raskolnikov sucks to pronounce
And isn’t the best word for poems by far.
So I denounce from here that his name will be “R”.)
So Semyon has lost all his money to booze
Including that of his daughter, a forced prostitute,
And the funds of his wife, who’s contracted TB,
R. takes him home to beg for his wife’s mercy,
And out of sympathy, gives them money.
R. gets back home, gets a letter from Mom,
Anouncing his sister’s engagement to this rich jerk, contrived
by the fact that Dounia lost her job
When her boss tries to seduce her, an all-around loser
Unfortunately before the first sexual harrasment suit.
And R. already can’t stand this new guy.
Fast forward to murder, yeah, he really goes through it.
His lack of cash and sanity drove him that way.
(Not to mention the lack of plot-line if he chose not to do it.)
So he’s killing the callous old pawnbroker chick
And then (oops) her sister. (She got in the way.)
(On a note reprise, from here to the last hundred pages or so
Gets pretty slow, so I’ll quickly summarize.)
R. becomes guilty,
Investigated by Porfiry,
Distracted a bit by some false accusations.
The drunk dies, the fiance flies
After R. kicks him out, and there’s some major hesistation
On his part as far as confessing the crime.
So for a while he goes crazy
With the social skills of Dick Cheney
And even briefly debates suicide.
R. gets a fixation with the dead drunken dude’s daughter,
Remember the prostitute mentioned before?
He confesses to her, but check out this twist:
Dounia’s old psycho boss, who lives right next door, listens in.
Svig, the villian, blackmails R, and almost rapes Dounia
Who pulls out a gun and then leaves.
Svig, plagued with nightmares and knowing he can’t have her,
Walks out and kills himself in the street.
In the end, the hooker gets R. to confess.
After, like seriously, the 10th feeble attempt.
Then she follows him to 7 years of Siberian camp,
And they love each other, she’s no longer a tramp.
Though the love thing happens too fast to take seriously.
So that’s it. In summary, the count for this piece
Is 5 dead, 10 confession attempts, one sudden love affair,
An arrogant protagonist, insane Russian names, and countless pulling of hair
To force myself in getting my way through the text.
Kidding. It wasn’t that bad, had a good moral at least.