Cool piece,its very weird.When i read your description i was expecting something about how nice a place you went to,which in your depiction in the first stanza it kind of tells me as much,but I got from this more the sense of alienation.There are lines in the poem such as:
"roads providing irregular borders
to this irregular dream"
or:
"dust confuses thinking feet"
These whilst good interesting phrases in themselves,
enforce that sense of alienation,of being in a place
far from home which brings me to my next point.
I thought it was cool how you give a sense of panic
in the part were you say "maybe ive gone to far".This is a feeling I can imagine myself getting as I'm quite a home-bound kind of guy,i wouldn't mind traveling but Ethiopia is so far away id feel a little nervous not to mention home-sick.ltd be like going to space or something(well no thats a terrible comparison lol).
I like the way you structured it too,the evolution of the single lines from "I think im flying" onwards is pulled off very well.Ive seen it done wrong and I think I actually have a poem attempting it but not quite pulling it off so its good to see that it can work in add to a piece rather than seem gimmicky:-)
I like your use off assonance too,I'm not sure if you meant it(please correct me if I'm wrong) because from my own writing it tends to be more of an off-hand thing that naturally happens rather than me thinking about it consciously,and ive never asked anyone whether they plan to do it each time they do.
Anyways good piece,cant think of much to say thats negative or very helpful,the only thing id say is i missed the point were you say:
a green and gold quilt
ruined by an occaisional
field of green
The use of green twice confused me whilst it is a cool description of the landscape,anyways thats probably me being silly and Im sure theres a logical reason.
I've forgotten how you make me smile, dear girl. You've seen so much, and how exciting to add this to your resume.
"dust confuses thinking feet and walking minds go astray"
I can recall, as a young girl, walking along the dirt roads that led in all directions from our little house in the forest. Those two lines sum it up perfectly; caught up in a path, in your mind, that you don't realize how far you've gone (or come) until you snap out of that trance. And now I recall the kindred I found in you. If this is the beginning of my catching up with you, I can't wait to read more.
Not sure how much of this is intentional and what may be the result of writing on the run over there. Sounds like a beautiful trip. To sell something is to Peddle. To ride a bike is to pedal. Not sure if peddal means anything in English. And arent should be aren't except when it shoudl be am not. Actually I think that stanza should simply end with ...should be... and leave the aren't impled. What do you think? You were the one there! Lucky. Now in more seriousness, when you repeat the word "irregular" in S1, I think that works. I don't think you should try to play it again in S2 with "drones" though. I'd change one of those. I like the "I think" bridges between strophes. in the third full stanza I think you could ditch the conjunctions, ands, and just leave the four lines standing on their own.
dust confuses thinking feet walking minds go astray dirty faces peddle wares smiles with broken teeth...
"dust confuses thinking feet and walking minds go astray" I really like this image. It is a great use of juxtaposition and r eads very well. "dirty faces peddal wares and smiles with broken teeth..." I'm not exactly sure which way you mean this to be read. Are the dirty faces peddaling smiles, or do the faces smile with broken teeth? Also, the end of "thrashing crashing meets thoughts and rocks reminding me how insignificant i should be but arent..." Aren't is the wrong word. You want to Use 'am not' because in proper grammer and verb form you would read: "I am not, You aren't." Aren't is the negative 'you' form of the verb. There is no conjuction for 'amm not' unless you use 'ain't' and we've all been told that it's not a word. Why there isn't a conjunction for 'am not' I don't know. English is a crazy language. Also, I think you may want to add the apostrophes to your conjunctions unless there is a really good reason you haven't. It tends to look sloppy otherwise, or like you did a poor cut and paste job and didn't check it afterward.
it's got that stepping through liquid imagery feel as if the sights of ethopia are painted in the heat haze air trapped by the poem inside the mind. a melted postcard.
ooh there seems to be a lot of hatred towards "aren't". awww the poor little word certainly has my sympathy - it may not be grammatically correct but it reads like it should be - which is all that's important.
the one thing that i didn't get though, was this:
"a green and gold quilt ruined by an [occasional] field of green"
the repetition of green just confused me - i could understand "a golden quilt ruined by an occasional field of green" or "ruined by ... a field of brown" or something... you know? maybe i'm missing something or reading it wrong.
Wow Jaydee, I'm kicking myself for not reading more of your work yet. I've really been missing out. I love how you use "ruined" to say, distrupt. At least I think that's what's happening there. And irregular dream? That's such an awesome little phrase/term. Wonderful really. If you haven't noticed, I'm fond of the word dream. There's just something so... dreamy about it lol I'm not so sure I understand this second stanza, but I like the speaking of water, and than the little piece that follows is about floating? Nice work. I actually am not sure if I like the two "drones." Maybe another word can be used? Oh the next stanza, I LOVE this!
dust confuses thinking feet and walking minds go astray
Switching up the verbs--awesome! That's so cool... I wish I had thought of it lol This stanza is followed by another wonderful transition. The 4th stanza's "thrashing crashing." Hmm... maybe if you seperated it with a comma? Just a thought. I really like the
reminding me how insignificant i should be but arent...
That's wonderful. Simply wonderful. The end summarizes the whole piece using the transitions. Nicely done. I like this a lot. And I still really love the title, that phrase, "the irregular dream." Nice write. I'm looking forward to reading more.
i definently think the title fits this. most people probably wouldnt see these things as beautiful, you know the type that think cancun is how all of mexico really is, the real ignorant ones. anyways i love how you bring us an honest image of this place, the murkey water, the broken teeth that are still smiling, all of it is wonderful imagery. but what i loved most, is that you find so much beauty in this place, that like i said before, many probably wouldnt see. excellent write! -steph
Nice job with this. I enjoyed the descriptions you used and the flow was definitely like a daydream. Some minor things - spell-checker. I also thought 'thrashing crashing' didn't really work here cause you're trying for a more ethereal quality to this, and it kind of sticks out. Not quite sure what to suggest to replace it, but maybe play around with this a little. Anyway, just me 2 cents...
Submission Name: the irregular dream
