Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Alluding to Child Gamesdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: lori_tab
    ASL Info:    27/f/alabama
    Elite Ratio:    4.33 - 1752/1517/481
    Words: 268
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 1571
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 1451



    Description:
       Posting this again. I really wanted more feedback on it.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsAlluding to Child Gamesdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Cool air filled the lungs of the creatures that slept underneath the porch. Dead dogs and mice lay rotting in dry dust. Smells that varied from old bones to abandoned toys lived inside the nostrils of the crickets and rats that would make their homes here. They lived in hostility and listened to footsteps above their heads. Footsteps that varied in rhythm and audibility depending on the one who walked above. Pipes swept through the womb of the mosquitoes. Stagnant water from yesterdays rain. Minds could be lost here. The lack of sunshine was suffocating and only tolerable to those that needed little comfort in life. A small boy sat underneath the porch poking at a dead cat with a stick. The smell of the cat was gruesome but the boy welcomed it. It was a stench that would prove he had been in wonderful places, far beyond the imagination of men. The smell made him a boy, made his mother urge him to warm water as soon as he re entered the house. All along his plan was to seek comfort from his mother. To bathe in warm water and have her caring for him and holding his genitals with the cloth that would make him clean. This was the side of him that he would repress for the rest of his life. The side of him that only made itself known to his subconscious. Underneath the porch, where the boy could hide from himself and play with his dirty boyish penis, the cool air filled the lungs of the creatures that slept underneath wooden floors.




    Submitted on 2006-04-10 11:51:07     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      This still disturbs the hell out of me...

    But I guess it's natural.

    I can recall doing some sort of f*cked up stuff when I was young that I will never share with anyone...

    I admire that you can go to such a dark and disturbing place and bring something of substance out of it.
    | Posted on 2007-09-08 00:00:00 | by Raivn | [ Reply to This ]
      This captures something that I write about in a lot of my stuff. The world is an ugly place. It is absolutely discusting. It makes me sick just to take a tiny peek below the thin holographic reality that our lies and wants and feelings has constructed. One day I will dive in.

    Pieces like this give people the eyes to see under this world, to see how dirty it is. Our parents built this place for us, just as their parents built it for them and just as we will build it for our offspring. Our friends built this for us. Our loves built this for us. Our thoughts built this for us.

    And we let it [censored] happen. Most people can't see reality most of the time, and when they do, it scares them so bad that they never go back to it. They hide in their televisions, in their games, in their lies.

    We do it to. People like us have that rare set of eyes that allows us to see it. We know its there, just like everyone else does. We hide from it just like everyone. But we go back. We always go back, no matter how much it hurts.

    When I first read this, I thought "Damn, I wish this broken up into paragraphs." It was hard to keep my place when I was reading it, I kept getting lost in the piece. But now I think that it is better without being broken up. It keeps it flowing. It doesn't give you a break from the world you toss the reader into. It puts them into a 'sink or swim' situation.

    It bugs me that you used 'sewer rats' instead of just 'rats'. Was this an attempt to liken under the porch to a sewer? I don't know, it just feels out of place.

    The place you describe reminds me of your old house in paint rock. Maybe you still live there, I have no idea. It seems like Jim said you didn't. Regardless, that porch that was facing the road at the bottom of the hill that had that doorway or something that let people under there. You know what I am talking about? I think about that place when I read this. Did it inspire this partially?

    "This was the side of him that he would repress for the rest of his life. The side of him that only made itself known to his subconscious."

    This is the child in that thing I wrote, 'Dance, my Acoustic Soul'.

    We need to get together and talk again for a few hours. We will probably scare one another with our minds.

    "Underneath the porch where the boy could hide from himself and play with his dirty boyish penis the cool air filled the lungs of the creatures that slept underneath the wooden floors. "

    I'm not sure that sentence makes sense. It should probably be two sentences, or have some comma's or something.

    Be careful if you go back to the world you visted when you wrote this. It hurts.
    | Posted on 2007-03-05 00:00:00 | by Derrick Thomas | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi Lori:

    This piece although compsoed in form of a story has great details about how children view the world and the way they explore it.

    I enjoyed the easy flow of descriptives that paint a vivid picture of the area and time as well as what is going on in all aspects of this world in a child's mind.

    Excellently written.

    I don't think breaking it up in stanzas would give it the power in contains with details.

    Kudos,
    Caramel
    | Posted on 2007-01-04 00:00:00 | by CaramelCandy | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi Lori:

    This piece although compsoed in form of a story has great details about how children view the world and the way they explore it.

    I enjoyed the easy flow of descriptives that paint a vivid picture of the area and time as well as what is going on in all aspects of this world in a child's mind.

    Excellently written.

    I don't think breaking it up in stanzas would give it the power in contains with details.

    Kudos,
    Caramel
    | Posted on 2007-01-04 00:00:00 | by CaramelCandy | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi Lori:

    This piece although compsoed in form of a story has great details about how children view the world and the way they explore it.

    I enjoyed the easy flow of descriptives that paint a vivid picture of the area and time as well as what is going on in all aspects of this world in a child's mind.

    Excellently written.

    I don't think breaking it up in stanzas would give it the power in contains with details.

    Kudos,
    Caramel
    | Posted on 2007-01-04 00:00:00 | by CaramelCandy | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi Lori:

    This piece although compsoed in form of a story has great details about how children view the world and the way they explore it.

    I enjoyed the easy flow of descriptives that paint a vivid picture of the area and time as well as what is going on in all aspects of this world in a child's mind.

    Excellently written.

    I don't think breaking it up in stanzas would give it the power in contains with details.

    Kudos,
    Caramel
    | Posted on 2007-01-04 00:00:00 | by CaramelCandy | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi Lori:

    This piece although compsoed in form of a story has great details about how children view the world and the way they explore it.

    I enjoyed the easy flow of descriptives that paint a vivid picture of the area and time as well as what is going on in all aspects of this world in a child's mind.

    Excellently written.

    I don't think breaking it up in stanzas would give it the power in contains with details.

    Kudos,
    Caramel
    | Posted on 2007-01-04 00:00:00 | by CaramelCandy | [ Reply to This ]
      ART .../. THIS screams art ../. an in vain ../. i love your work ,,../. even if one's work-habits are unclean ../. this misc of story-telling is what of great ladu'tuides of grife an agony

    my fav part was: The lack of sunshine was suffocating and only tolerable to those that needed little comfort in life.A small boy sat underneath the porch poking at a dead cat with a stick. The smell of the cat was gruesome but the boy welcomed it. It was a stench that would prove he had been in wonderful places, far beyond the imagination of men.

    this is going on my fav list and a "wow" vote

    bloodstone
    | Posted on 2006-07-17 00:00:00 | by Bloodstone | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    98568

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    a leaf of shadow and edge written by Daniel Barlow
    Live In Between written by teika5
    The Curtain Call written by faideddarkness
    A Sense Of Things written by Daniel Barlow
    Compartments written by TheStillSilence
    Things They (Don't) Say written by TheStillSilence
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth written by endlessgame23
    (Untitled Song) written by TeslaKoyal
    Day 6 written by TheStillSilence
    The Human Harmonic written by Daniel Barlow
    Starseed written by endlessgame23
    Meaningless Meanings written by ForgottenGraves
    Twin Intercept written by Daniel Barlow
    Not the Devil, but the Wind written by endlessgame23
    Coversheets written by TheStillSilence
    Ciggarettes written by Poetic_tragedy6
    In a Corner written by jeniecel
    Honeymoon written by TheStillSilence
    Verse: written by Daniel Barlow
    Loop-di-Loop written by endlessgame23
    Adoration written by TheStillSilence
    Night- time written by Daniel Barlow
    Mystery Read written by kyserin
    Hyle written by endlessgame23
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    The Want written by Daniel Barlow
    Florida's Autumn Solstice written by closetpoet
    Keep written by TheStillSilence
    // Seasonal Song written by ShadowParadox
    Delicious Stews written by elephantasia

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry