Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Every night again I seedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Darth Zeus
    ASL Info:    21/F/Vacuum
    Elite Ratio:    7.31 - 369/226/34
    Words: 180
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 1485
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1044



    Description:
       If you'd read my journal, (of april 9) you'd understand my intention. This is a dream, a nightmare, And the title was actually the very first line, but without that line, it fits better. only the title makes it a dream.
    The final words are based upon Hamlet's speech, which I learned myself by heart (the first bit then) For those who don't know it, I'll write it down.

    To be or not to be: that is the question.
    Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
    the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
    or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
    and by opposing end them? To die, - to sleep-
    no more, and by a sleep to say we end
    the heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
    that flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation
    Devoutly to be wish'd.

    This is a kind of experiment. With free verse here and there.
    Tell me what you think


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsEvery night again I seedots
    -------------------------------------------


    The image of you lying next to me:
    I feel your pace - the blood stopped running.
    My tears wet your face which is turning all grim.
    Your eyes stare into the deep dark nothing,
    There, where your life, your soul, has gone to.
    There, where all my dearests have gone too.
    You were the last one to leave me,

    Here are my final words for thee:

    To be or not to be. To be dead or alive,
    Tis what I question myself when
    you lie here by my side.
    Is it nobler in the mind to suffer,
    when there are no arms left
    to fight this last trouble out of my deep sea full?
    This was my thousanth' natural shock-
    Let me end the heartache. Your death
    makes it devoutly whish'd.

    But I would die here, right on the spot.
    Not by a knive, no gunshot or deliberate action.
    For my misery only, would take its toll
    And bring me back, by those I belong to.
    My end would not be by myself.




    Submitted on 2006-04-10 13:17:06     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Again, another amazing work from you Janneke..
    What can I say that I have not already.. Amazing imagry and wording, truly beautiful. This work is truly powerful.


    "Here are my final words for thee:

    To be or not to be. To be dead or alive,
    Tis what I question myself when
    you lie here by my side.
    Is it nobler in the mind to suffer,
    when there are no arms left
    to fight this last trouble out of my deep sea full?
    This was my thousanth' natural shock-
    Let me end the heartache. Your death
    makes it devoutly whish'd.

    But I would die here, right on the spot.
    Not by a knive, no gunshot or deliberate action.
    For my misery only, would take its toll
    And bring me back, by those I belong to.
    My end would not be by myself."

    I love this entire work from start to finish, there is not a word out of place, nor would I change anything if I could. I relate very much to this work, as I have done this same exact act before.. Let me explain..

    Again, it seems your beautiful work was misinterpreted... Somehow, it is being see that you are talking to a completely different person..
    In reality.. you are gazing into the mirror.. speaking these "last words" to yourself..
    You're not suicidal, and you do not want to die.. but you are.. no less. Slowly consumed by the darkness, misery, pain and despair..

    You are an amazing writer Janneke
    Keep up the amazing work..

    Much love,
    Eric
    | Posted on 2006-05-07 00:00:00 | by Vampirism | [ Reply to This ]
      An interesting write. I like the imagery you used and you used a feeling good word choice. You structured carried this off as a fairly unique write and I like how you modified the Hamlet speech to work with this. Hamlet as always been one of my favourite Shakespearian play, a very tragic piece. Anyway, rather than me ranting on let give me opinion on this piece.

    As I stated before I liked this, especially because I felt it to be unique. This seems to speak about the fear of death and the fear of dying alone, beening left to suffering with no one there with you, aleast thats what I gathered from my reading. On the whole a good write and an enjoyable read. Keep up the good work my friend and have a blessed and wonderful day.
    | Posted on 2006-04-13 00:00:00 | by Departed One | [ Reply to This ]
      This is really Good
    I believe you were referring to mthe fear a lot of people have of dying alone
    Everyone wants to be surronded by loved ones when they go that goes without saying
    But sadly sometimes
    We Cant Always Get What We Want
    God Bless
    Ron

    And Thank You for pointing out my mistakes in A Cry For Justice
    I have corrected the mistakes
    Thank You
    God Bless
    Ron
    | Posted on 2006-04-12 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      Well, first I think you need to figure out how you're using punctuation and do do it consistantly. I'm never quite sure when you are ending ideas or phrases. You use periods at the ends of some complete thoughts and not others... like in this stanza.
    "The image of you lying next to me
    I feel your pace - the blood stopped running
    My tears wet your face which is turning all grim.
    Your eyes stare into the deep dark nothing
    There, where your life, your soul, has gone to.
    There, where all my dearests have gone too.
    You were the last one to leave me"
    If you are using a period after 'grim' doesn't it make sense to also use one after 'me' in the first line? Also, after the 'me' in the final line of that stanza.
    Other little language inconsistancies.
    "But I would die there, right on the spot
    Not by a knive, no gunshot or deliberate action
    For my misery only, would take its toll.
    And bring me back, by those I belong to.
    My end would not be by myself."
    If you are lying next to the person, shouldn't the word in the first line be 'here' and not 'there'? and in the second line, 'no' seems wrong. I think you might want to use the older diction comepletely there and say 'not by knife, nor gunshot nor deliberate act'. I also think the comma between 'only' and 'would' is unnecessary. And I don;t think you need a period after 'toll'... it adds a break in thought that doesn't go there.
    In the second stanza, 'wish'd' is spelled wrong. there is no 'h' after the 'w'
    I think you also use more commas then you need.

    I hope this is nit picky enough for you.
    | Posted on 2006-04-10 00:00:00 | by DavidHirt | [ Reply to This ]
      This was good. I think that your flow was good. I also liked the wording. But I thought you did not really speak of the nightmare, but rather vaguely spoke of the person or that haunts you. I'm not saying add full details, but if you say that this eludes to a nightmare, tell more of how you felt and maybe give the reader a better taste of visual of what you see. I think the part about hamlet was nice, but it did not really fit this. Good work.

    Maggie
    | Posted on 2006-04-10 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    98571

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Untitled - September 19, 2017 written by homeless
    'Cause You're Mine, I Walk the Line. written by Torie
    Untitled - 8/2017 written by homeless
    The Phoenetians and Us written by Torie
    Dreamt written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Exult written by saartha
    Roots written by Chelebel
    Tidal written by OneDarkFlame92
    Outside the Chain written by Wolfwatching
    Untitled - May 14, 2017 written by homeless
    Jar (working title) written by rev.jpfadeproof
    More written by homeless
    Hazy Half-Moon written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Luchinushka written by HisNameIsNoMore
    No More Damn Love Poems written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Starry night written by rev.jpfadeproof
    BlackBerry Bushes written by Daniel Barlow
    Forgetting You written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Summer of Peaches written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Untitled 2 written by homeless
    One Time Is Good written by Daniel Barlow
    I Wonder If written by Wolfwatching
    Orange written by saartha
    After a Dream written by KeeperOfLight
    Wisp of You written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Untitled - 12/12/2017 written by homeless
    Blank Page written by Chelebel
    Sleeping Giant written by MyPeriodical
    Fizzy Love written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Don't Tell Me You Love Me written by homeless

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry