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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Simple Joydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: DeepsLighter
    ASL Info:    17/f/Brazil
    Elite Ratio:    7.89 - 97/62/14
    Words: 112
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 910
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 641



    Description:
       hm so ... this is actually an english assignment but i enjoyed the challenge of having to write a poem about dreams and it having to begin w/ "I dream..." so ... well here it is .. hvn't handed it in yet ... just wanted the thoughts of all the poetry ppl out there ...
    i'm not to fond of this poem ... i mean, i like the idea that i'm trying to set out, but i don't like the way it set it ... so if u could all take sometime to see if there are big/small mistakes that u see that could be easily fixed so that this poem will seem just right.

    btw, i feel that sometimes its the small stuff in life that bring joy ... of course different people have different definitions of joy ... also ... i added a little bit about the seasons in there ...

    enjoy


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    dotsSimple Joydots
    -------------------------------------------


    I dream not of flames and fire,
    or of rainbows and sunshine.
    I dream not of heat and steam,
    or of bitter and cold.
    I dream not of perfection or imperfection,
    or happiness and sadness.

    I dream of the kiss of the cool breeze on my cheek
    on a beautiful spring day.
    I dream of lying on beds of flowers with clouds above,
    shading me from the bitter sun.
    I dream of kicking leaves shed in Fall,
    and finding the magic in an action so simple.
    I dream of the warmth from a small bite of chocolate,
    or the simple joy from a friendly smile.




    Submitted on 2006-04-10 16:16:53     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      I like this one a lot... its so simple, but it means a lot. I know that I can relate to it. I could say that a little more description would improve it, but I really don't want to say that... I like the simplicity...
    | Posted on 2006-07-26 00:00:00 | by Adaria | [ Reply to This ]
      Good write. :)
    Not very fond of your first stanza, had a feeling of disjointment while going through it. However, your second stanza blew me away. :)
    I myself love the simple things life bring, (which is my favourite topic recently) and it felt real great reading through that :)

    A few suggestions :)
    "I dream of a cool breeze on a spring day."
    How about something like "I dream of breathing in the cool breeze on a spring day"?
    It allows the reader to feel exactly "where" the writer is coming from, and how exactly the breeze has anything to do with the writer! haha
    Similarly, I'd add in descriptions of the writer's part to play in the poem, like:
    "I dream of lying on beds of flowers with clouds above,"...
    I'd seperate the last two lines by changing the last line to something like...
    "I dream of the simple joys of a smile."

    My four cents. ;) (adding the last two I gave)

    Bann
    | Posted on 2006-04-11 00:00:00 | by unREMb | [ Reply to This ]
      Deeps,
    Im quite impressed...believe me, this is well condensed and gets your thoughts across well. It definitely has the poet's spirit in it.
    whether it be for english class or not, you definitely did well with it. I enjoyed it profoundly...its a little sad too, because I believe the same thing that sometimes the most simple and quiet of good things is the best thing one can ask for.
    A smile, or friends, or sleep and dreaming
    indeed I commend you deeply
    jc prescott
    | Posted on 2006-04-10 00:00:00 | by jcpdandalice | [ Reply to This ]
      Well, I think for starters you need to figure out why you have only one line for the fourth stanza. If you're writing in couplets, you should write in couplets. A sensitive reader is going to wonder what is so special about that one line that makes you set it by itself. I would add a line saying what that breeze is doing, just like your following stanzas do.
    "I dream of beds of flowers with clouds above,
    SHADING me from the bitter sun. "
    What is the breeze in that lone line doing?
    PErhaps you could look at all the following stanzas in that light? What is the object in the first line of the couplet DOING in the second line of the couplet?
    An alternative would be to simplify the couplets to one line phrases... just giving your reader the image... keeping it that simple. No comment... just view, to let the reader take it as they will. This might be a good choice.
    | Posted on 2006-04-10 00:00:00 | by DavidHirt | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey Deeps,

    "I dream not of flames and fire,
    or of rainbows and sunshine.
    I dream not of heat and steam,
    or of bitter and cold.
    I dream not of perfection or imperfection,
    or happiness and sadness."

    This is a powerful and pleasant poem in it's most simplistic style. I dream not of evil nor goodness but of the simple joy in life- the simple daily routine of waking up to light, seeing friends, eating a chocalate-- the things most ppl seem to take granted for.

    Beautiful message, deeps
    -stacey-
    | Posted on 2006-04-19 00:00:00 | by idlewriter | [ Reply to This ]
      i thought this poem was a bit light in its composition.

    the emotion was there somewhat, but i thought if you would've upped the lyrical intensity just slightly, that this piece would've been even more powerful.

    i understand again that doing so would have taken away from that theme of simplicity you had going on.

    but this is a nice piece overall. the simple joys in life that some of us would take for granted, and then tomorro seel our souls for just to experience once again, for today we haven't that opportunity and chance anymore *sighs*

    Loquacious Mind
    | Posted on 2006-08-07 00:00:00 | by Loquacious Mind | [ Reply to This ]


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    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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