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The world embraces upon your face
All my tears seem to fade
All my dark, grey skies seem to clear
As your body comes near
We started off friends with no tell of the end
We didn't even know where we'd began
You make all my dreams and fantasy's turn into
Finally we have a world we do not want to trade
Because the big picture as yet to fade
All of the pieces are swept under the bed
Where all of our past lies dead
After all we have been through we are still holding
It's nobody else just you and me
For it is you that sets my soul free.
| This is my first comment in quite a long while so it'll probably be crap but anyway, here goes. I think this is a very nice piece but to write in the first person about someone else is quite unusual, so kudos for that. At first, this piece looks to have a simple rhyme structure but then it sort of... I dunno... evaporates, lol, sorry, thats harsh, I mean, "the second half doesn't seem as well structured as the first." |
However, I found the last 3 lines to be the most captivating. So simple, and yet so meaningful in their delivery, almost lyrical in that sense and yeah, as you can tell, I really liked the last 3 lines, lol. Good job with this poem.
|| Posted on 2006-04-12 00:00:00 | by JimweiZERO | [ Reply to This ] || That's a really awesome poem I liked the part|
"All of the pieces are swept under the bed
Where all of our past lies dead"
I'm not sure what you were talking about but it sure does paint a good picture and it makes you think
|| Posted on 2006-04-11 00:00:00 | by Say what? | [ Reply to This ] || This was a really sweet and romantic poem. |
"We started off friends with no tell of the end
We didn't even know where we'd began"
I loved those two lines. The only thing I would change is
"After we have been through we are still holding
I think there might should've been an all in there after 'after'
|| Posted on 2006-04-10 00:00:00 | by Glassy Eyed | [ Reply to This ] || this poem was sweet, well done on the write...|
the first half of the poem was well structured, but after a while it kinda wasnt, basically im agreeing with "jimweiZERO"...
"Finally we have a world we do not want to trade
Because the big picture as yet to fade"
"It's nobody else just you and me
For it is you that sets my soul free."
these are the best parts of the poem... well done and keep writing...
|| Posted on 2006-04-16 00:00:00 | by seriouscutter19 | [ Reply to This ] |